Readers, sometimes life throws lemons at you, in which case it is very advisable that you self-medicate with rophynol and reacquaint yourself with PornHub.
While the exact source of the conflict remains unclear, rumor circulated about a Jack Colt receiving a ‘hug’ from the aforementioned sex icon, while Bob Albatross received nothing.
Output from the two FTVS editors dropped immediately to zero (0). The shock propagated very quickly in the FTVS office through various coital and non-coital channels, leading to a complete halt of content output. Similar to Corey Haim, FTVS has been rendered inert.
One hundred and six (106) hours after the crisis (aka Kurtelgate) began, the two heroes understood business could perhaps remain mixed with pleasure on the condition that the mixing is to be performed simultaneously (i.e. group sex). Video of the altercation is below, and FTVS is glad to report it is back online, sort of.
Readers, sometimes we just need a little bit more 80s Negro action in our lives. FTVS does not really need this because of course Grace Jones and Carl Weathers are both interns in our office.
Readers, this interview tested the extreme limits of lust and erotogenic mutuality. While our readership has come to expect nothing less than the most groundbreaking catechisms and inquests from the brilliant yet seductive FTVS staff, we surprised even ourselves with this dialogue, entering a previously unattainable arena of sexuality and theology.
The hedonic, erotic connection between FTVS and Deniz Kurtel is strong, perhaps too strong. Read on, but first be sure to lay down, for this interview will cause a rush of blood to the (phallic) head so robust you will likely faint at least three (3) times.
Let us commence.
Deniz, trusted sources indicate that you are the spawn of “mining magnates turned championship racehorse breeders”. This suggests FTVS has read about you in a Dominic Dunne article, or has seen your family caricaturised in a Bond film. Please give us five (5) sentences about your upbringing in the Anatolian Peninsula. Also, are you expected to marry an aristocrat (please note that the blood of FTVS industrialists Bob Albatross and Jack Colt is very blue)?
I lived in Turkey till I was 18, and had a very close relationship with my parents growing up. My mom’s world consisted of making/teaching/sponsoring art, and she took me and my sister everywhere she went so we grew up in her art world. My father was obsessed with the sea so we spent 3-4 months of every year on the boat, definitely the best times of my life. I didn’t have so many friends and spent most of my time out of school taking all sorts of lessons, studying piano, riding horses, didn’t feel like so much fun! I’ve been to more parties with my parents as a little kid than I had with my friends growing up (which I believe I made up for afterwards) so the main style of dance music that was etched in my head during my upbringing was 80s electro and disco. Not sure if I’m expected to marry anymore, although I’m sure they’d be pretty happy if I married anyone!
Interesting, yet subtle. It is a coital refreshment to witness a woman of both fomenting intellect and sexual perspicacity grace the highest echelons of the electronic music circuit. Not since DJ Irene has the FTVS boner/brain dialectic been so rigorously stimulated. Please review this video (see below) and share with us what you feel you have yet to learn from the sensually virile DJ Irene.
I need to learn some cool dance moves.
Yes, yes you do. As you are certainly and cogently aware, one FTVS founding editor refused an impotent scholarship offer to pursue his PhD in Political Theory at a famous university on the isle of Manhattan, while the other is completing his PhD in Economics somewhere in California. The point, if one can be found, is this: is it both necessary and sufficient to have a PhD to impress you, Ms. Kurtel? In other words, if the objective is to explore your physical and metaphysical curvatures, must Bob go back to school and acquire his doctorate? Or would you settle for Jack and his sexually banal yet quantitatively astute PhD?
If the objective is to explore curvatures you might be better off exploring someone else, as I’m pretty flat physically — and metaphysically.
Both our mind and member disagree, but we must forge onward with this discussion. FTVS is quite certain, of course, that you are the Iannis Xenakis of the 21st century. How did your time at Columbia’s ISERP shape the mostly correct theology of your music?
Really funny … I’m sure there is a lot that influenced me indirectly but one direct influence I can remember is being inspired by studying mapping in set theory in a math class to map sound (first other people’s music, and then my own music) to color, using LEDs. I’m working on implementing this on my live shows.
We digress. You will recall that the FTVS readership yearns for human interest stories from the exotic world of techno music’s most esteemed vendors. Accordingly, who is more nectarous when dealing with the sweet babies: Jamie Jones or Seth Troxler? FTVS observes that both men are in possession of inspiring hair follicles. Do you know if the carpet matches the table cloth and napkins, as we say in San Francisco?
I’ve seen Jamie more than Seth (who I’ve seen once) on the tour so far so I’ve been seeing quite a lot of sweet babies wanting to deal with Jamie (true story!). And the carpet definitely matches the table cloth, oh and napkins of course.
For sure! I’m afraid there’s no time for a sleepover though as we head to LA right after. Maybe next time.
No, this time. Tell us about 2010 for Deniz Kurtel. Tell us about your album and your art. Tell us everything. Also, have you heard of sexting and what is your mobile phone number?
Album is almost done, it will probably be out sometime in the summer. I’ve built my LED installation that I’m using for a few of the main shows during the RebelRave tour, which I’m working on improving as I go along. I’m doing some of the RebelRave dates in the US till Miami WMC and in Europe till June. We’ll see what happens after that. Perhaps some cool projects with Gadi’s new label Double Standard. Sure I’ve heard of sexting. My number is 888 382 3483. +69 if you’re dialing from San Fran.
That was the best sext you have ever had. You are welcome for this interview Deniz. You have achieved maximum coital satisfaction and your toes will continue to be numb for perhaps 24 hours. We look forward to seeing you at Mighty in San Francisco on Friday night, and will gladly join you in your bunk on the tour bus for the ride to your gig on Saturday evening in Los Angeles.
Friday February the 5th was the 2010 meeting of the National Bureau of Economic Research (NBER) at the Federal Reserve. Naturally, FTVS was in attendance. Yes, dear readers, we crashed one of the most significant economic meetings of the year.
Specifically, the libido-teasing focus was on Economic Fluctuations and Growth. The latest in economical research was presented, analyzed, criticized, and for the two New Keynesians who happened to be present, sodomized.
To my surprise, crashing an exclusive meeting at this supposedly secretive organization was no more difficult than soliciting sexual favors from an FTVS intern. I was greeted by a gentle female in the bank’s lobby who kindly asked me to choose among a rather large collection of exotic sounding name tags. I curated the one that read “Kenichi Ueda (IMF)“, a natural fit, considering my proclivity for all things Nipponese.
I sat for an hour, watching twenty or so persons arguing over an array of Greek letters and mathematical symbols arranged in a way that made absolutely no sense. It was beautiful display of complexity with a subtle touch of masochistic sexuality. I had entered a new world, and the natives, while docile, were incomprehensible.
What Economics is all about, I still do not know. What is clear however, is that this group of frontier Economists remains nonplussed with how the Obama syndicate has sought to arouse the domestic economy. All but unanimously, there was agreement that the Stimulus Package is a misguided program, not unlike a broken penis too skewed to the right, which misses the unmissable stimulation point of the great American vagine (known as the “G-spot” in fornication, and “Growth” in Economics).
As any al-Qaeda operative will tell you, an endorsement from FTVS is more influential than Allah’s consent and seventy two (72) unsullied virgins. FTVS does not endorse al-Qaeda but does genitally and theologically endorse the upcoming RebelRave event in San Francisco on February 26, and perhaps also in Los Angeles the proceeding eve. Even the most nescient of sexual Luddites will recall that RebelRave is the touring incarnation of the resplendently titillating Crosstown Rebels record label.
Headlined by the perpetually agreeable and coitally amenable Damian Lazarus, with procreative support from FTVS favorite Jamie Jones, not to mention 2010’s wet-dreamed statistician Deniz Kurtel and the fearless sexual icon Seth Troxler, this event will posolutely make the sweet babies rave, squeal and ostensibly gush with glee. It is without saying that FTVS editor Jack Colt will be in attendance to assist the said babies in reaching maximum satisfaction.
Occurring at Mighty, San Francisco’s most diaphanous nightclub with San Francisco’s most pulverizing soundsystem, the event is hosted by the lasciviously prurient Listed Productions family. RebelRave TV, Crosstown Rebels pornographic documentary series, will be recording segments of the Bay area event, soon to be aired on Comcast’s A&R Channel.
FTVS has never led its readership astray with our steroidal recommendations. As such, it is both extolled and demanded of you to buy tickets ahead of time, because this fervid slut of a show will sell out.
Will the Nipponese ever cease to dazzle our pale-colored round-eyes? Will this great nation ever fail to erect our stereotypically yet comparatively larger reproductive accoutrement? FTVS does not know. What FTVS does know, readers, is MegwinTV may well be what Johnny Knoxville could have accomplished had he properly harnessed Spike Jonze’s geometric ontology.
In the spirit of professionalism, FTVS lets the MegwinTV website do the talking:
“We, Samurai, are making original comedy movies in Japan!! We’re pleasure that people over the world enjoy our movies!! Come to our web site!!”
In other words, mankind is able to fly, and mankind is able to she-bop the goo-gun. Which is more profound? Thankfully this is not important, because these gifts can be merged.
Quite literally, Fortuna encourages us to coalesce these two activities at each and every opportunity. It is our sacramental duty as 21st century men and women to disregard TSA and PETA warnings and flog the bottle-nosed-dolphin whilst engaging in commercial airline flight.
But if you feel like times couldn’t be worse, gain some fucking perspective — had the Nazis won the war, you’d most likely be dancing the Sprachinseltänze or Bandltanz with a star on your sleeve to Hofbräuhaus Electro at das Avalon this Friday night. Instead, thanks to Fortuna’s generous ovaries, America defoliated Germany after she date-raped France, repeatedly, and this weekend is your chance to fully appreciate the sexual meaning of this historiographical gang-bang.
Friday night is at Temporary Space 2 with Monseigneur D’Julz alongside Droog for what might be the last week of hibernation before the return of the Culprit Sessions at the gloriously erected Standard Hotel Rooftop. Yes readers, Friday at TS2 might be your last chance to get all Nic Cage on the nubuile, Korean sweet-babies that abound at this fine venue.
Saturday is at San Francisco’s oldest underground dance institution, The Endup, with German part-time baker Dixon leading the uber sexual Seth Troxler in shorts as tights as Fortuna’s glory hole is gaping. This, to put it simply, should be experienced.
An extravagant end of the week you might think, but considering there are only two kinds of FTVS readers in this cuntish recession — the employed kind for whom things are looking brighter, and the unemployed kind for whom things are looking increasingly like the inside of Satan’s rectum — FTVS urges you to swipe the plastic.
The greatest doctor once said “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” FTVS staff, on the other hand, jovially advocates for the golden quartet; it usually and perhaps always contributes to the procreation of groundbreaking FTVS content.
Can you imagine what would become of the FTVS Exclusive Interviews, and sometime Uninterviews, without this potent potpourri of all four (4) ingredients? Of course you can not, it is too depressing.
The point is, and of course, has always been, that the groundbreaking internet rarity below contains exclusive footage of the drug itself talking to you, dear reader.
Glorious readership, a bedazzling revolution is upon us. Vagazzling! The trend that’s causing the nether regions of celebrities to twinkle like the starry snatches they are will certainly illuminate non-celebrity naughty bits in time. Like Reaganomics, FTVS applies gravity’s logic to cultures of genital adornment. And so, we are certain that vagazzling — the art of dressing up your nectar hole with rhinestones and cheap crystals — will soon percolate down to the less fortunate.
With absolute precision, FTVS predicts that within a decade vagazzling will become as banal as ear-piercings and as comfortable as Juicy Couture sweatsuits. Oh god yes; a girl’s prom preparation will include picking out a prom dress, and scheduling appointments with the manicurist, hair stylist, and the certified vagazzlist. Condoms will be made to withstand the friction of Swarovski-crystalled (vagazzled) vaginas. Vagazzling artists will show their art at vagazzling conventions. See minute 2:40 of the clip below to taste the rainbow, and the brilliantly vagazzled future.
The following conversation between a father and his 13-year-old daughter will certainly occur in the not-so-distant future:
Daddy, can I get vagazzled?
No.
Why not? I’m almost 14!
When I was your age, girls wanted to get their ears pierced. I’ll let you get your ears pierced.
What? do I look like mom to you? I wanna get vagazzled!!!!
Dear readers, the not-so-distant future will be glorious!
Paul Valery wrote Les opinions des personnes qui n'ont pas refait leur esprit selon leurs besoins réels et leurs pouvoirs vérifiables -- n'ont aucune importance qualitative. His aphorism captures the will of FTVS to bring to the masses quality, informed, and unapologetic reflections and commentaries on the state, potential state, and future state of the world.
FTVS is BA, KP, and JC. Three educated young men currently residing in the USA who spent the last three years actively studying the human condition by living and traveling together. We have occasionally fornicated with each other's women.
