PSA Slut: FTVS Summer Hianus

Readers, FTVS output has been more flaccid than a Palestine-destined flotilla as of late. Sadly, our lack of journalistic ejaculate will continue through the summer months, not unlike a bitch in heat. Why? Because FTVS is returning to school for the summer, and when school is in session, FTVS is not.

We shall be back soon. Probably in October, once the refractory period has lapsed. Of course, staring at Mark Harmon will expedite the period.

Also, we are attending Matthew Dear at Mighty tonight. San Francisco will have her alpha lips drenched in juice, for the curly-haired Detroit-born techno maven will deliver us from evil and help us pitch the fur bucket in the cunt.

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Party Slut: Kontrol Your Boner, Craig Richards Comes to SF

Readers, we apologize for our flaccid output of late. The FTVS editorial board has been busy with less urgent matters. Advising BP on how not to control premature yet robust ejaculation, mentoring the Israeli military on how not to crash a boat party, our schedules have been tight, perhaps too tight. And yet, we interrupt our leadership in international affairs to discuss more pressing matters.

Of course, it is the five (5) year anniversary of Kontrol, San Francisco’s most fervidly theological monthly. Who better than to help ring in this festive, fisting aural enema than monsieur Craig Richards — Fabric resident DJ, sexual icon of tech house and minimal fanboys the world over, and the less cartoonish, smiley half of Tyrant. While dear Craig may never smile, he certainly plays narcotically coital music.

Tickets are we don’t know how much. We do know that Craig will be playing with Galoppierende Zuversicht and the entire Kontrol family until 6am PST, so the fiscals, like prophylactics, are of no concern. See you at the End Up. Free handjobs for all.

Culture Slut: Louis CK Explains the Catholic Church

Readers, we who are not Catholic have misunderstood the Church for too long. While FTVS Founding Editor Jack Colt may have been raised under Catholicism’s gentle, tender umbrella — spending his youth polishing the proverbial calysses — the Church’s eschatology (scatology?) has always left us discomposed. Perhaps a symptom of our plebeian, vile sensibilities.

It is time, dear reader, to clarify the opaque, and lay bare the obstructed. We let FTVS Senior Religion Correspondent Louis CK explain:

Culture Slut: Iranian Government Denies Holocaust, Conducts Its Own

Earlier today, the FTVS bureau was forwarded distressing images of men in uniform partaking in what can only be described as the worst crime against humanity since the creation of FTVS. In this world of complete theological disarray, Iran demonstrated that infamy knows no bounds, by ordering the systematic and hermeneutic destruction of millions of bottles of imported libations. Yes, dear readers, cases of Absolut Vodka (Orange flavored, we would be remiss not to add) were crushed with extreme prejudice, like Sarah Palin’s vagina at an interracial gang-bang.

FTVS has no choice but to declare war against the Iranian government, and is currently negotiating with General Stanley McChrystal, an FTVS angel investor, on the most appropriate punishment. There is of course the atomic bomb, but the Iranian culprits shall be given much worse: FTVS will oversee the logistics of parachuting one hundred thousand (100,000) crates of David Guetta’s Just a Little More Love across this unholy nation.

Yes, dear reader when the going gets tough, the tough get tougher. FTVS has also contacted Oscar-winning director Steven Spielberg to write, direct, and produce a trilogy of films documenting the alcoholic genocide for future generations to remember that humans, much like over-sized rectal eels, on occasion go too far.

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, Third (3) Edition: Mr. C

Readers, rather than letting FTVS do the talking, we will now do what Noam Chomsky should have done in 1971: we will shut the fuck up and let the Michel Foucault of electronic music say his piece.

Dearest Eezer, please share with us your most intoxicating and intoxicated story involving the sweet narcotics and the sweet babies.

Do the narcotics and the babies have to come together? When I’m on narcotics and don’t really like jelly babies or any other candies come to think of it. And now I’m trying to think of narcotics that are sweet. Hmmmmmm?

However, there’s a guy in the place with a bitter sweet face and he goes by the name of Ebeneezer Goode. You wouldn’t want him standing behind you in a sweaty dark room though.

Do you regularly consult the cabal of Lotharios on 4four for advice on a) how to sex up the finest women b) how to become a fortuitous disc jockey c) how to travel the world and get paid to make vaginas dance? FTVS has not learned this from 4four, but has learned that soggy crackers is a very popular game with the site’s regular users.

I do regularly consult those said Lotharios. It’s a bit like listening to your Mom or your wife though, you always do the opposite to what you’ve been told.

So, A) I think most of them are virgins, or just not that proud of their other halves so generally offer little in the way of any decent advice on the fairer sex. B) There are actually a few fortuitous DJs that frequent 4four, but it’s mostly full of keyboard warriors who have never munched carpet or have anchovy on their pizzas, which clearly renders any advice completely irrelevant. C) See answer B.

I’ve also heard that Soggy Crackers is popular game in the cyber world of Lotharioland, they definitely don’t play crispy biscuits and their eye sights are going awry …. Bless!

FTVS is aware that you began observing the housing market at just the time the housing market crashed. Which economist most informs your purchasing decisions? Are you a genius entrepreneur and is the Fed consulting you?

It was actually a year after the market crashed we began observing, when the market hit it’s low, don’t you just love synchronicity? The £ had momentarily jumped back up to $1.64 from $1.45 when I transferred funds across and now it’s plummeted back to $1.45, all the luck of the Devil of course. It’s the wife that informs me of my purchasing decisions (well her purchasing decisions actually) and bloody fine decisions they are too as she does indeed wear the trousers in our house (which is great as I get to wear the skirt). Yes I’m a genius, yes I’m an entrepreneur but never in the same sentence and yes I think I’m Billy Big Balls (or was that Charlie Cohones)? Do you know who I think I am? And yes I have the Fed as my personal consultants. I can get them to consult for you for way less than half price, maybe even for free, but you have to do them, well, special favors.

Tell us about your relationship with our dear friend Francis “Big Frankie” Harris. Has he told you about the whale cock? FTVS fears his production output has decreased because he now spends too much time reading our website. This is completely understandable.

You gotta love “Big Frankie”. He’s probably my best pal in the whole wide world. Verga (spanish for Whale Cock) is one (1) of my favorite words. A famous philosopher once wrote “Esta la Verga Güey”. In fact I like Vergota even more as it’s simply that much greater. Also, I think Big Franks production output has increased hasn’t it, obviously inspired by the wisdom of that fortunate yet violently loose woman … the slut!

Tell us about Los Angeles. Is it treating you as it should? Are you still seeking to become an actor? Have you had any success? FTVS is making a movie about FTVS, titled “The Greatest Generation”. Come sit on the casting couch but don’t forget your mouth guard.

I love my new home city, it’s so laid back (well laid) and everyone is so friendly (when verga munching which I’m told is a delicacy). It looks like I may have nailed a Superfreq residency in Hollywood which will be an after hours, as well as our monthly Tuesday, Super Disco Freq at Short Stop in Echo Park, will know in the next few days about the after hours so keep your fingers crossed for me.

Yes, I’m still seeking to become an actor although settling in to Los Angeles is my first priority. The only success I’ve had has been getting cast in a very cool UK movie, great supporting role too so I’m stoked about that, again more info when it’s actually happening as in the movie industry, it may simply not happen any time soon, but now the summers coming I’ll be spending more weekends in L.A (if we confirm the after hours) meaning more time in L.A in general, so it’s now time to start networking now that I’ve found my feet a little in town.

The FTVS movie, I’d love to come sit on your casting couch but the mouth guard won’t be at all necessary and I give great auditions! More tea vicar?

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Tracklisting:

  1. Dexter Wansal – Life on Mars – Philadelphia International Records
  2. Canson – Sued – City Fox Ltd
  3. Deniz Kurtel – Yeah (Jamie Jones Shower Curtain remix)- Crosstownrebels records.
  4. Andomat3000 – Beatroot – Highrade Records
  5. Pawel – Dawn – Dial Records
  6. Room 10 – Los Gritos – Metroline Ltd
  7. Semtek – Bells – Don’t Be Afraid Records
  8. Pantha Du Prince – Stick to my side (efdemin version) – Rough Trade Records
  9. DJ Jus-Ed v DJ QU – All across the floor – UQ Records
  10. Moody Man – Freaky MF – KDJ records
  11. Raza – After Death – Coloured
  12. Read Truth – Evidence – RWL records
  13. Liz Torres – I can’t get enough – State Street Records
  14. Audion – Push – Spectral Sound Records
  15. Alex O Smith – Kosmos 1402 – Omars Detroit
  16. Divine – Native love – O Records
  17. Cerone – Supernature – Malligator Records

PSA Slut: Size Does Matter When Inserting Sea Animals In Anus

Eels, maximum pleasure, maximum danger.

Readers, FTVS is first and foremost a source of public health and safety, an almanac of medicality and biological guidance. It is why Kathleen Sebelius frequently stops by the office for a game of find-the-gherkin.

Ever since FTVS featured a glowing review of Shane Smith‘s documentary Genki and The Art of Eel Porn, FTVS readers around the planet have indulged in the sweet and deliciously electrifying rectal insertion of our black little friend, the eel.

Sadly last week, long time FTVS reader Hao Xing suffered a most untimely death after being subjected to a surprise insertion of a fifty (50) centimeter Asian specimen in his rectum.

Yes, dear reader, eels, like penises and dildos, come in different sizes and colors, and while they can all be very capable of massaging the prostate, larger eels are known to be capable of also eating the prostate and its surrounding tissues, which, in the case of our friend Hao Xing, can be lethal.

Of course, FTVS always advises you to play roulette with that heathen trollop Fortuna, and if sticking an eel in your fur burger is the only way you can achieve maximum satisfaction, then let nothing stop you.

PSA Slut: European Chickens Cause Homosexuality (Indeed)

A Man Fucking a Chicken, Lui Ding 2007

Bolivian President Evo Morales announced last week (at the World People’s Conference on Climate Change and the Rights of Mother Earth) that European chickens are the primary source of homosexuality and male baldness.

FTVS, as the last bastion of rigorous scientific geometry, decided to put this bold claim through an ascetic yet empirically normative test.

The test subjects were none other than FTVS Senior Editors Jack Colt and Bob Albatross. Careful inspection of the editors’ scalps revealed a receding hairline on Jack Colt, and a proceeding hairline on Albatross. A historiographical study of their diets and feces over the past twenty (20) years confirmed Colt was fed European chickens as an infant, while Albatross exclusively consumed only the finest Canadian poultry.

Thus, because Jack Colt was the sole editor to consume significant doses of Euro-trash fowl, it was he who was selected to proceed on with the study. Bob Albatross may or may not have tagged along for moral support.

Jack Colt was given 200mg of rophynol and was thrown in San Francisco’s famous Steamworks Bathhouse for twelve (12) consecutive hours. Careful examination of Mr. Colt’s prostate and rectum after the experiment revealed repeated acts of joyous homosexual intercourse.

In lieu of the above finding we advise all FTVS readers who may have been in contact with European chickens to stay at home and avoid any contact with male individuals. Alternatively, FTVS advises that you may instead want to buy a one way ticket to the Castro to better understand if you too have ever eaten the gay bird.

The point, however, is not the latent and blatant homosexuality that pervades FTVS editors. Rather, the point is that Evo Morales is amazing. And probably gay, if not bald.

Culture Slut: Tits Cause Quakes, FTVS Leaves for Haiti

Stop the shaking.

Readers, is it any surprise that a Persian scientist/religious hero has made the greatest scientific discovery since the Nipponese invented the LaserDisc? Of course, not.

A high-ranking Iranian cleric recently identified that it is in fact the exposure of the women’s tittays, vagizzles, and badonk-a-cheeks that causes earthquakes.

That is correct: those of you, dear readers, who enjoy parading in the Dar al-Harb whilst dressed like sluts (Fortuna) cause the tectonic plates to shift and rupture, not unlike how Jack Colt’s prostate shifts and ruptures at the sight of RuPaul.

In a masterful display of religious theology, the cleric, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, brilliantly catechized that:

Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes.

Hearing of this news, FTVS caught the first plane to Port-Au-Prince. Oh yes, FTVS is rarely where the action is not. Clearly, the heathens are in Haiti, and FTVS loves itself some big-breasted heathens.

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, Second (2) Edition: Max Cooper

At last we present you with the second installment of our countably infinite series of Essensual Mixes. This sequelized and heavily sexualized edition features the heir to Horkheimer, Max Cooper. The connection between Mr. Cooper and Fortuna is strong, if not obvious, like Michael Jackson and Macualay Culkin in the tub perhaps.

No one since the great Iannis Xenakis and the uber-sexual Deniz Kurtel has demonstrated the neuronal ingenuity necessary to span the basis of musical theology in such a linear and erogenous fashion. Recent Traum releases such as the Harmonish Serie, Stochastic Serie, and Chaotish Serie were purely deflowering if not entirely academic — in the sense that a professor has sex with his undergraduate students.

As this concoction evidences, Max is also a capable jockey of the disc; but enough of us, let Dr. Cooper himself do the descriptive:

This is a sonic representation of midgets on wheels suffering the obtrusive consequences of Goliath on heat, a coming together which can only occur with a careful oiling of musical progression. The lewd intrusion takes the audience and participants to unseen nooks and crannies of musical anatomy, as genres are split and sealed in a manner that breaks any idealistic laws of how a mix should be done.

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Tracklisting:

  1. Max Richter – Horizon Variations (FatCat)
  2. Noisa – Machine Gun – Amon Tobin Remix (Vision)
  3. Jay Shepheard – Add Arp (Retrofit)
  4. Slam – Azure – Radioslave Remix (Soma) – Max Cooper Edit
  5. Hot Chip – I Feel Better – Max Cooper Remix (TBC)
  6. Butch – Reshef – Gow Remix (Trapez Ltd)
  7. Max Cooper – Chaotisch Serie – Reset Robot Remix (Traum)
  8. Mijail & Victor Vera – Jungler – Loko Remix (Darkside Digital) – Max Cooper Edit
  9. Barem – Heyday – Ronan Portela Remix (Foundsound Records)
  10. Fabian Schumann & Black Vel – Rafael (Mangue)
  11. Dyno – Risvegli – Max Cooper Remix (Hell Yeah)
  12. Andre Kraml – Safari – James Holden Remix (Crosstown Rebels)
  13. Olivier Giacomotto – Gone Hunting (Definitive) – Max Cooper Edit
  14. Max Cooper – Ediolic Spectra (TBC)
  15. Stephan Bodzin – Vendetta (Herzblut)
  16. Max Cooper – Chaotisch Serie (Traum)
  17. King Roc – The Beginning (Process)

Party Slut: The Culprit Sessions Return

Australians call it the Sunday Session. Theologically inclined Los Angeleans call it the Culprit Session. Yes, dear reader, your hibernation can end and the water sports can begin. The Rooftop at the Standard Hotel Downtown LA this Sunday becomes once more the fertile hive of sensual sweet babies dancing to a loined musical curation.

What’s more, that first afternoon, Jack Colt will host a pleasure contest in the ladies restroom. Hydrate profusely, and visit the toilets to explore the outer limits of Mr. Colt’s flaccidity. Also, Konrad Black is Canadian but is not the media magnate in prison. Same same, yet only similar.