This is the first in a series of exclusive interviews. Exclusive because FTVS has never before interviewed these subjects. Interviews, because we pose mind-arousing catechisms to genealogical emissaries.

DJ Poontz, also known as Cristobal Urbina, is Montreal’s most celebrated mahatma. While most vulgarians are predictably looking to trite electronic acts such as Chromeo, Tiga and A-Trak for their mindless musings, FTVS sets its affecting gaze upon an individual far more foundational. Let us commence:

The Flag Turban is the new ketamine. Get on it, Ricardo.

Share with FTVS, and through FTVS, the world … how long have you been DJing? How commodius is your phallus? Whilst not being a lionized DJ or having your testicles garbled by strong viking women, what avocations inform your ontology?

I’ve been DJing in clubs since 1996.  I have a huge phallus, yet very small at the same time. I also have a hair on my testicle that touches the sky.  When I’m not DJing I work on my own music and, other people’s music and projects that involve sound.  I also work for the fine arts department at Concordia University as a Sound Consultant. I also collect stamps and collect the leftovers from vasectomies.

Don’t we all? You composed a revision aesthetic for the Dirt Crew, an agreeable effort to be sure. But since, you have not had any other objet d’art. Why? As a secular bastard dilettante, are you perhaps taking the minimal oeuvre too literally?

I have mainly been working on other people’s work (i.e. mixing and mastering), for example Doc Delay’s “Pity” which is out on Funk Weapons. I have actually been making a lot of music but the whole releasing thing has been left to the side.  As far as minimal, I’m in to stuff with lots of bass weather it be minimal,  stoner rock, noise, etc. I do live the minimal lifestyle though – I shave all body hair and do not wear clothing other than crotchless jeans. I masturbate minimally. Frequently, but with minimal result. Lastly, I greatly enjoy minimal women. They must be very short and very emaciated, and must not talk much.

Very forward-thinking response. Ponderous. Your signature sound is an inspirational potpourri of the gurgles of a thousand drowning philistines, mixed with latent sub-bass prostitutes, and a touch of precocious German pornography. Explain this.

Well as I mentioned before I have definitely got a thing for bass so I try and make my genres fit the bass mold.  Love to mix across styles and keep y’all dancing at around 124 bpm.

Thank you for that nauseating rejoinder. The honest motivation for this inquiry is because once you fall in love with us, which has already happened, you will provide us access to your very special group of friends. You know who we are talking about. No, not Dan Melon. The other ones – Mat Jonson, The Mole, Akufen, Seth Troxler … all those people. Is their love for you founded upon the aristocratic motions of your mustache rides? Perhaps more importantly, can you secure us guest list at any and all parties they entertain?

Hahahahaha, I’ll tell them you guys are coming … inside my mouth (yeah right I wish).  I think some of the above mentioned put up with me cause I don’t remember most things … ever. But if I remember to ask, they’ll probably put you on the guest list, except maybe Seth … I don’t know him that well. Also, Melon is the one you want. His balls are huge like a planet and smell like burps and daffodils and wet wipes.

That apostate Troxler will drink from the love muscle of Jack Colt. FTVS will investigate Dan Melon – he sounds very conceptual. What are your thoughts on Richie Hawtin’s plutocratic foray into garment architecture?

I like some of the stuff that comes out on Minus sometimes … as far as everything else I’m not one to follow what other people are doing too closely I’m more in to what I’m doing. Like right now, can you guess where my finger is? A hint: in a dark and sweetly odorous place.

Your answer is entirely blasphemous and unrepresentative of how electronic music percolates (mindless concern with the DJ has strong parallels to Messianic worship), but we applaud your attempt at unorthodoxy. Moving along to extremely important issues: what are your thoughts on DJ Hell’s recent ode to the flavorsome free market as an aspiring undergarment designer?

I wouldn’t want the Fruit of the Loom vegetables coming to get me … (I know they’re fruit but I’m a retard). In all honesty, I am very interested in designing underwear that do not let any moisture inside. Or outside. I will call them diapers. Or poo shorts. Poo poo.

Your candor is thirst-quenching. When will you design underwear? Will they be edible?

I try not to wear underwear and I encourage all women to do the same. Women can only wear them if I can put Rooster sauce on them and then eat dinner.

Curious. What venerated refrain is most gingerly abusing your palate at this moment?

My favorite song right now is this thing I made last week – I attached it to this interview. If you don’t like, I don’t care. I also really like the new Ernesto Ferreyra release on Cadenza, “Siluetas”.

Poontz – I’m on a boat:

Is it true that you are a vanguard in the electro house movement? Does this genre make you spill in your pants?

No. Electro house DJs should all be renamed as DJ Colon Eater because they defecate Nazi rhythms via poorly compressed soundwaves. The genre is a war crime and I will be filing a case at the International Criminal Court. Slobodan Milosevic was the first person signed to Ed Banger. He is Busy P’s dad.

Your ethic is profoundly satisfying. Tell us something that will tempt orgasm.

I recently drew the label for Musiquee Risquee #19 – it looks good. It’s the funky sax drawing and the other side is a trumpet. I wrote it with my pee pee.

This was an exceptionally exclusive interview, and thank you for the orgasm. You are most welcome for our genial contemplations. Do not forget to contact your friends. FTVS is nourished by a strong sense of superiority, which can only be sustained through unblemished affirmations of insolence.

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