Little Mike is the most revered man in the Berlin house and techno scene. While that guy at Beatportal continues to fellate the most unexceptional DJs and producers in Berlin, FTVS gains access to the man that is known as the Ronald Reagan of techno.

[Editor's note: please do not comment on how clever this interview is - we must move beyond the adulation of FTVS and, as Michael Jackson once said, get to the heart of the matter.]

Paco! Paco!

Hello Little Mike. You are quite petite, no? If your phallus were a cocktail, what cocktail would it be? FTVS  believes it would be a champagne martini. Does this inform your DJing? What is your function at Beatport?

If my phallus were a cocktail, I would be quite concerned. I enjoy having a non-viscous phallus that does not evaporate when it’s hot, or spill when it gets knocked over by some drunk German transvestite. So, with regret, I must admit that my phallus will never, ever be a cocktail. And in fact, I am quite offended at your retarded clown of a question. DJing, to me, is nearly non-existent. When I perform at a club, the last thing on my mind is the music. Igniting my nipples takes precedent to any actual musical knowledge or turntable ‘skill’ that most DJs seem to value. However, when I am forced to take a break from my naked, flaming, blistering nipples, I do use tech house and druggy techno to keep the crowd somewhat entertained until I have to dip my nipples in the gas can again. Beatport? I suppose my tasks are to get to the office and be the best employee on earth.

FTVS is interested in tongue-bathing your nipples. FTVS also once supported Phrunky Records, but does not anymore. Is it your fault? Did the label run out of cocaine? Poor investments? What about TyTek?

We brainstormed and created the label’s battle plan. Preparation took over  60 years. Ty and I decided to put Phrunky together (this was while I was living in Denver and still pretending to be heterosexual). Our main motivation has always been money. We had a knack for extracting the worst part of the music industry (the music) and combining it with the best part of the music industry (making money). We’ve been incredibly successful. I suppose Ty and I took a break with Phrunky to focus our attention on kite fighting and underground horse cinema. However, we’ve returned to the business with the label and partnership (we’re just friends), but with an added bonus: I live in Berlin now, and Ty remains in Denver. This is great, as it makes communication very seldom and general brainstorming sessions for our label essentially impossible. We’re expecting big things this year. Our shit’s not free, fucking music blogs.

If you were steaming beside Michel Foucault in a San Francisco bath-house, would he successfully convince you to diddle his penis, or would you go straight for the chocolate good stuff as if he were David Guetta?

Now, I must admit that I am not familiar with Michel Foucault, which will surely offend most members of the gay bath house scene (which coincidentally is the same scene in which I was first exposed to gay bath houses), but to be totally honest, anyone with a name as close to mine would get the free pass. I would also allow him to diddle my penis, flog my bagel and ultimately expand my wicker basket. However, mentioning someone as ruthless and violent in the underground dance community as David Guetta would make my otherwise jumbo chicken bucket into a balloon with the air deflated. And no one wants to deal with a flat balloon, am I right? Or a dead opossum. Now that’s the question you should have asked. This is stupid.

Michel Foucault is a post-structural pedant whose works fill our bookshelves, although we’ve never read him. Digression! We must continue this groundbreakingly exclusive interview. What, do you feel, is the paragon of venereal websites? FTVS passionately endorses Red Tube. It is democratic and premised on a foundation of absolute freedom. It also has many razor-shy geriatric women doing exciting things to big bald men. The FTVS appetite for absolute freedom and aged, fur-spackled women is insatiable. Tell us a racist joke.

Ok, you’ve got the wheels in motion. You’ve got me thinking. Websites like Red Tube, X Tube, Awkwardfamilyphotos.com and gayromeo.com are proof that God has a master plan. God had a plan for absolute freedom and he is the one reason the internet was created. Ask Shirley and the Phelps family. There is evidence that God was the one to create the internet, and naturally, with the internet, comes porn. And with porn, comes the self fulfilling prophecy. Racist joke? You’re the racist joke.

Who is Shirley? Very conceptual. You live in Berlin, according to very important FTVS sources. Why? Is it because there are many women and men in tight jeans and narrow scarves with tattoos on the inset of their fore-arms? FTVS is considering opening a Berlin bureau, and we expect you to assist in rent payments.

Yea, I’ve been living here in Berlin for nearly 3 years now. I have a British flat mate as well as a French flat mate.

Little Mike, after three years in Berlin.

In fact, before I moved to Berlin, I would call them ‘roommates’ and not ‘flat mates’. But now the idea of calling someone a ‘roommate’ just seems absurd. I moved to Berlin because I needed a change from the peace and tranquility of Denver life, and found a great difference here in Berlin with the city’s very relaxed and bohemian lifestyle. Not to mention it’s great to be surrounded by the overwhelming amount of people who are trying to find success doing something relatively boring. That’s great news that you’re thinking of opening a Berlin bureau. It would be cool for the city of Berlin to finally have a few more people from outside of Germany move here.

Who is more nubile, Magda or Heidi? Por que? FTVS is seriously considering soliciting them both for a day of water sports and sexual discovery. Please provide us with their email addresses.

Having met both Magda and Heidi, I must confess that both are equally as nubile, but in a less than experimental or indiscriminate way. I have seen them play music, yet I have also seen both females on the dancefloor. I think to really try to decide who is most nubile will only cause stress, heartache and pure misery, as they are both as fantastic and mysterious like the great galaxies beyond ours. In fact, our planet shares one thing in common with these ladies of dance, but what that is remains a total secret that only Anja Schneider, Michelle Owen and Monika Kruse will ever know. Sorry to name drop. I’ve met them all in real life. That’s how cool I am.

Why does the planet get to share everything good with the world’s most sexualized female DJs? FTVS does not endorse the planet. All it does is steal. Why are Panorama Bar and Berghain so trendy at this juncture in history? Is it to do with the fact that FTVS endorses these abodes? Do you taste good?

Ok, everyone knows why Panoramabar and Berghain are so trendy. Can you seriously not think of a better question to ask? Who are you anyhow to ask me such lurid questions regarding dance clubs and Berlin? You offend me with such pointless mumbo jumbo. I am now truly offended and feel pregnant with a dwarf.

This is a common symptom. There there. Do not fret. The dwarf shall pass. You should sample the birthing – perhaps it could be released on Sandwell District. What is the identity of the newly born dwarf in techno music, after all? These are questions that must be asked. But first, what is 4four? Must one be a repugnant thirty-something Toff to make use of this digital venue? That Fadas character is particularly irredeemable.

4four is the bastard offshoot of a once great message board called techhouseboard.org (RIP). What was once an outlet for great music discussion became a place to complain about everything and anything. It’s amazing in the same way as watching a car wreck is amazing. Fadas? I’ve read his material on 4four, and to be honest, I’m not impressed.

Tell us about your new music. But before you do this, we would like to have a guarantee that FTVS will be put on any and all guest-lists that you have access to. Subsequently, tell us why you DJ. It is a verite that most white males engage in DJing to secure vaginal exposure? Or in the case of David Morales, penile exposure.

Apart from recording my sneezes and using my pocket-sized audio recorders to get samples of random girls crying at Watergate at 9AM, I’ve decided to return to the studio. I have a remix coming out soon for Nic Fanciulli (if I can get around to finishing it), as well as some personal solo projects that will probably revolutionize dance music. My new groundbreaking idea is to have music with a steady 4/4 rhythm that keeps going, however I will add a bass line, some hi hats, some funky trippy effects and maybe even vocal snippets. I think it will take the club scene by storm. Why do I DJ? To be honest, it all started when I was at a local bar and accidentally bumped into a record player thing-a-ma-doo and hit the start button, and at the end of the night some dude gave me 150 dollars for doing just that. So from that point on, I’ve discovered the joys of hitting start on a record player machine and collecting a massive handful of cash at the end.

Your origin story inflamed the rash that is currently waging battle to my reproductive organ. Truly an awful, shitty answer. Furthermore, FTVS will take your partial omission to mean that you did get us on all guestlists. Please send us Nic’s phone number. He looks like a gummy bear – edible. We would like you to inform the masses, via FTVS, who is the most vainglorious, supercilious, arrogant DJ you have ever come across? Also, please take this opportunity to thank FTVS for its time, and to share with us your most wondrous sexual exploit. Provide a photograph if available.

Wow, FTVS, you’re really trying to get a rise out of our readers and spark drama in club land. Good work. However, since I’m clearly the most arrogant DJ you’ll ever come across, I must discuss someone who is the exact opposite of me. DJ Mudflap ‘Whiskers’ McKenzie (from a small town just outside Leipzig) has really grinded my gears as of late. He’s really twisted my crank. Not only does he smile and acknowledge the crowd when he DJs, but he seems to enjoy himself all in the same time. It is not allowed in DJ culture in 2009. You’re supposed to look miserable and hate everything about playing music for people. That’s how you know you’re good at what you do. Haven’t you been to a club lately? As for some evidence of my most wondrous sexual exploit, fuck you, this interview was shit and a waste of my time.

You are welcome, dearest Michael.

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