FORTUNA, THAT VICIOUS SLUT

It will surprise no one and was expected by everyone that FTVS would provide groundbreaking coverage of LovEvolution 2009. Of course we interviewed the most respected white men in electronic music. Adultnapper, real name Francis Harris, is both very honkey and very good at making penetrating techno. Labels such as Audiomatique, Bombis, Superfreq, Dirt Crew, Fabric and Poker Flat have paid him good sex for his work.

While the other less privileged media all took turns performing robust fellatio on Deadmau5, or asking LA Riots where they buy their jeans, FTVS provided a genealogy of moral petitions. Ruminations that excited our dearest Adultnapper in very muscular ways.

Let us commence.

Hello Adultnapper. We have a few questions. We do different types of interviews than most. Okay?

Okay.

We will show you pictures, and want you to tell us what DJ each picture reminds you of, and why. It is like the Rorschach test, but with more cock.

Oh god.

Absolutely. Here is the first picture. And please do not say they all remind you of Mr. C. Do not be a slag.

Uhhhhh … This guy reminds me of Danny Tenaglia. He’s got the Tenaglia look on his face. He’s kind of gurning. And he’s kind of short with a big upper body.

Very good, Adultnapper. Let us move on at an efficient speed. What DJ does this picture remind you of and why?

What am I looking at here? Oh my god. I have no idea. [acute laughter]

Some say it may be a whale penis.

Oh really? Huh. Well then … Tiesto probably.

No fair, that’s too easy. Let’s be more original.

I don’t know man.

Come on Adultnapper. Who have you spun with and been like, “that guy is killing it, he must have a whale cock”? Not Mr C. Definitely not Mr C. He’s done too much, well, everything, to have such a fortuitous phallus. What about Sven Vath?

I’ve never spun with Sven Vath. Okay, let’s go with Sven Vath.

Last groundbreaking question. What DJ does this picture remind you of and why?

This is ridiculous. [laughter]

Is it Yoji Biomechanika or whatever his name is? Don’t be racist. Fuck you.

What?

You don’t know Yoji?

No.

He’s a tranny DJ from Japan that plays nu-nrg hard dance. What is wrong with you? Don’t you read all the blogs to keep up on the most important things in electronic music gossip? Are you one of those assholes that just makes music and doesn’t intensely scrutinize the minutiae?

No, I guess not. I read books though.

Asshole. Adultnapper, don’t you understand that following tranny DJs is very important? Let us not digress. We must move forward to maintain efficacy. Back to the picture. Do you need help with the photo? Perhaps it looks like Danny Howells. Fuck him though. Just kidding Danny. Please choose between your fellow LovEvolutioners – is this picture reminiscent of Lee Burridge, Craig Richards or Bill Patrick?

Well, this guy is naked, so it’s gotta be Lee Burridge. Wait, I think it has to be Junior Vasquez. Yep, Junior Vasquez.

Moving along, what is better – meeting David Guetta in a San Francisco bath house and playing a game of find the chocolate, or being Junior Vasquez, playing records in a million-dollar custom made DJ booth in New York on a Saturday night [Editor's note: both are equally homosensual]?

It’s gotta be being Junior Vasquez. I don’t want to be anywhere near David Guetta.

Okay, well this is FTVS signing off because Adultnapper is getting cranky.

I’m not getting cranky.

Yes, that’s right. FTVS will be reporting in depth coverage of Adultnapper being a cranky dick. Any final words?

Uhh I’m a dick.

Yes, Adultnapper is a fucking dick.

[MP3] Adultnapper – Tewa (Original mix) from Ransom Note Part 2

FIND ADULTNAPPER’S MUSIC HERE AND HERE

ikidnappedurmamasho says:

October 6, 2009 at 08:40

is that really a giant whale cock!?

Jack Colt says:

October 6, 2009 at 09:35

Yes, it is indeed a giant cock. However, this is only the second orca whale cock I see (I saw my first orca whale cock when my parents brought me to Marineland), and I cannot say for sure how it compares to the average.