A gang of Wiggers listening to the new Keak Da Sneak EP.

Confused by the semblance of the Wiggers and the Uighurs? Let FTVS explain.

The Wigger people are a thickly persecuted Turkic ethnic group sparsely habituating Western China. The Wiggers are to the People’s Republic of China (PRC) what the Palestinians are to Israel. Superlatively surveilled by that mongoloid President of theirs, Mr. Hu Jintao, and constantly strangulated by Mao’s visible hand, these denigrated Silk Roadies do all they can to keep it good in this bad world.

The Wiggers reside almost exclusively in the Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region of Western China. This effervescent tribe has been anomalously prominent (by anomalously prominent FTVS means maybe mentioned in passing once or twice) on the 24 hour news networks as of late. Why? FTVS wondered too.

The media first came knocking when insurgents organized yet another unsuccessful rebellion against the Sinese machine that has sought to oppress the Wigger movement for so long. More recently, our dearest Centrally Asian friends received attention when several Wiggers were holidaying at Guantanamo Bay (though these punctilious gentlemen have since been relocated to Bermuda, a place very similar to Turkmenistan).

A gang of Uighurs defying the Chinese government.

The Uighurs are a different ethnic group, mostly from North America, and are not to be confused with the Wiggers — we beg you, dear reader, to overcome your phonetic prejudice for the rest of this article (yes, Uighur and Wigger are uncannily similar in pronunciation, like vagina and vajina).

The Uighur people are an ethnically Caucasian yet aspirationally Negro minority group largely found in the United States of America, Canada and sometimes even Europe. They are the Quebecois of the Zhongguo: reprobated by their racial archetypes, and derided by the more robustly, phallusly endowed people whom they seek to emulate. You are surely familiar with the most well-known Uighurs: Eminem, K-Fed, Scott Storch, et cetera.

Thus, strong similarities exist between these two groups, beyond phonetic semblance of course. Additionally, the political marginalization of each group is largely analogous and thus reinforces the mundane confusion that is rampant in the uneducated circle of today’s youth. FTVS, one more time, takes it on herself to clarify the obscured with its clairvoyance.

The Wiggers and the Uighers, FTVS declares, must unite to confront the societal vicissitude that encumbers them both. Only then will this hermaphrodite of a world reconcile the reproductive parts of its whole.

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