Jeff Theimer is one of Santa Barbara’s (California, United States of America) favorite sons – he is like Jack Johnson and Robert Kennedy combined, but more famous. Mr. Theimer was once the Marketing Director at Santa Barbara’s alternative radio station KJEE. Soon after, this sensuous man dove headfirst into the belly of the sweltering beast, joining the publicity department at world famous Los Angeles KROQ Radio. However Mr. Theimer, an arbiter of decency and theology, drew fatigued of the cocaine fueled lifestyle of the Los Angeles underground, and yearned for something more connubial. He also wanted to be closer to Rob Lowe (FTVS is very close to this deeply sexualized ageless man).

For the last eighteen (18) months Mr. Theimer has focused his gumptious muscle one hundred (100) percent on his new venture as President of New Noise Media Group, which produced the first installment of the annual New Noise Santa Barbara Music Conference & Festival. In an effort to spur robust sexual healing in today’s lackluster, hermaphroditic economic climate, FTVS asked the man to share with you, dear reader, the five (5) golden rules for organizing a music festival. Sadly, Mr. Theimer fails to acknowledge the quintessential importance of Shetland ponies, watersports, and copulationally inclined groupies.

Rule #1: Expect the unexpected: No matter how well you plan, things will go wrong. Sound guys will not show up. Bands will pull out. Staff will get sick. Just learn to roll with it and expect that there will be things that for a lack of better words will be ‘faulty.’

Rule #2: Deal with the unexpected: Try to minimize the effect of your own and other peoples faultiness. Always remember: It’s just “rock n’ roll.” By that I don’t mean these things that go wrong don’t matter. I mean always remember that problems can be solved and you started the event to make sure people have fun and the artists, fans et al are as well taken care of as they can be in any given situation. Treat everyone (even when things get hairy) with respect and realize that sometimes, people suck. Your job is to smile and not take yourself too seriously.

Rule #3: Plan often, plan early and get good help: Pretty self-explanatory but try to organize and find good people who know what they are doing to help you. If you can’t pay them, make sure they get something out of the experience.

Rule #4: Take care and listen to your community and fans: Always ask yourself Is this good for the company? (credit: office space). But seriously, before you begin the process make sure that you believe what you are planning makes sense for those you hope to attract. If not, stop, drop and roll. Go back to Go. You will not get $200.00. Always believe in your product & be able to explain it in under 30 seconds to someone who probably does not care. If you don’t or can’t then stop everything. Not worth your time.

Rule #5: Use all the marketing help you can get: One of the biggest problems/hardships of a first year event is that you realize that… Wow. No one knows or cares about my great ideas! And why should they? You haven’t done anything yet! Help them see the vision – create a marketing plan even if you don’t have money. Figure out on paper who you think will care and then go after those websites, newspapers, blogs, etc by contacting them directly and offering them access to your festival or event. [Editor's note: FTVS was invited to New Noise and provided with the most exclusive VIP treatment that she is used to.] Utilize the web/social networks to the fullest. Understand that you are building a brand and not going to make a million dollars in your 1st year. It just ain’t gonna happen.

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