Earlier this month during the New Noise festivities, FTVS managed to surgically escape from that sodomizing heretic Michael Franti, and found acoustic refuge a few blocks down State Street at Velvet Jones. The evening at this couture venue consisted of an impressive and delectable musical aperitif of the punk rock variety.

FTVS caught up with FTVS obsessor Chuck Robertson, lead-singer of third wave and geometrically correct ska band the Mad Caddies. Jack Colt massaged sweet Chuck after their show, which was opened by none other than Pulley and No Use For A Name.

Like his fellow Solvang icon, Ranch dressing, Mr. Robertson revealed to be a deeply hedonic mixture of cream and green herbs.

[Jack Colt] Chuck, FTVS has been following the Mad Caddies for 11 years since 1998.

[Chuck Robertson] Nice man.

We think tonight the band reached a new milestone as No Use for A Name opened for you.

… Aaah well, it just because we are in Santa Barbara you know. Home town you know …

Are you trying to play it down, was it a big thing …

Nah, always respect whatever the band from the town you know, no matter whose.

Is it rude not to open for a local band?

Yeah, if we played with No Use For a Name in San Francisco we would have never headlined.

Chuck, here at FTVS we do interviews more surgically than most. We will show three pictures, and for each tell us which of your comrades from Mad Caddies the picture reminds you of and why. You cannot be reminded of yourself.

Exhibit A: Who does this picture reminds you of and why?

That reminds me of Boz … the facial structures. Notice right here, under the noise [Chuck caresses the picture with his index finger as he is explaining] and here, Boz has a very similar facial structure and Boz very rarely wears clothes.

So he is a bit of a nudist? Does he like the skin-flute to play in the wind?

Yeah, Boz is a bit of a nudist. He’s a minimalist. He only owns two pairs of pants and maybe three t-shirts.

That’s all he owns?

Yeah, when he comes on tours that’s all he owns. And he won’t pay more than $2 for a shirt at a thrift store so he likes to keep it simple …

Is this a way to increase Mad Caddies’ profit?

No, it is because he does not believe in paying ten times for something you could pay one time and you are also recycling and he’s a kind of a hippie nudist guy.

So Mad Caddies is a little green so to speak?

Well absolutely, and I have been smoking so much pot lately I might turn green if I am not careful.

Let us proceed to the next picture. Exhibit B: Who does this picture reminds you of and why?

Oh that is Eddie. Our trombone player Eduardo. He’s got fashion sense. He’s wearing …

A diaper?

…. French underwear. Oh wait, that’s a diaper. Oh yeah that’s a diaper. But I could see Eddie wearing that. Yep that Ed, I don t even need to explain why. Everyone will know it’s Ed.

Excellent. Moving on to the last exhibit: Who does this picture reminds you of and why?

Is that a whale penis??

Some people have said it is a whale cock indeed being stimulated by a man’s hand.

[laughing] … Well it does not remind me of anyone in the band but …

It must.

Right, it has too. Who’s gonna touch this whale’s penis?

Who is the whale penis?

I am gonna go with Keith. Trumpet player. [Chuck points his erected index finger to the base of the penis] I can see the trumpet here and [moving along to the tip of the penis] this looks a lot like Keith face right there. I see the dick and the head thing you know.

So, who would be the person holding the head penis?

Hmmm that would be our keyboard player Dustin, he likes to take care of Keith when he is drunk you know. I can see Keith here, he’s feeling a little soft, maybe Dustin is trying to hold him up to feel better and hard.

Indeed, it looks like it is getting hard

Yep, it s getting hard, he’s taking care of it. [Chuck turns to someone] Hey Brian look at this picture, who does this remind you of? I said it was Keith and Dustin holding up Keith cock. It’s a whale penis.

Brian: Oh … oh yeah, it definitely is.

[Keith arrives]

Keith, can you come have a look? Who do you see in this picture?

Umm …

We just recognized you.

[laugh] Is that right?

So if I were to ask you [Keith] this question first. Within Mad Caddies, who does this picture remind you of and why? Minus you, of course. [Editor's note: Keith has a striking resemblance to a giant whale dick.]

Well, Sasha’s [lead guitar] got the polish sausage apparently. I have never seen it but the ladies seems satisfied …

By a six foot long penis?

Yeah. The baby Beluga as they call it [laugh]

Back to you Chuck, you are, after all, the star tonight. What is going to happen to the Mad Caddies in the near future next week?

Well, we are gonna go on tour in Canada. We have not been there in a while. The whole country, BC to Quebec…

Is it scary? Watch out for your feet.

No, I love Canada, very friendly people. I am scared of the border guys though because I have a DUI. But hopefully they’ll be nice a let us home. And after that we will have some Christmas time and record a record starting in January, so hopefully released late spring early summer at the latest.

Some of your band member have applied for jobs at FTVS. Do you think this could potentially weaken the band?

Who did that? [Chuck looks concerned]

Keith might have. How do you feel about this?

Mmm … I feel proud … Yeah, proud that such a big, hmmm, dickhead like him could work for such a big company …

Major magazine, probably the biggest.

Major magazine. I think it is very important and I think it will be great.

You’re welcome Chuck.

Thank you.

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