Refreshing, with a slight hint of date rape.

Readers, it is eternally execrable that Ed Hardy connoisseurs are frequently misunderstood to be little more than well-tanned date rapists who push the modern boundaries of facial hair symmetry. Ed Hardy aesthetes discerningly adorn themselves in such voguish things as t-shirts with sparkles, and tigers, and of course, sparkly tigers. Profound, yet unequivocal.

Having conquered the garment market, FTVS is pleased to announce that Ed Hardy has forayed into the business realm that has beckoned it for so long. No, not professional sexual assault. No, not Persian bodybuilding gyms. Yes, bottled water. Let the prolific Ed Hardy communications department explain, in poetic cadence, of course:

“Water rains down from the heavens, from Clouds to Raindrops. Water provides life to all flowering plants, without which man would not exist. Water covers most of the world, and provides life to all alike. Water is the source of Agriculture, without which civilization would not have occurred. Water is always in a state of equilibrium and movement, always transmuting from gas to liquid to solid. Water is the lifeblood of all living things, without it there would be no life on Earth. Water is the matrix of life, binding us to all living things and the Earth. Water is Ed Hardy.”

Ed Hardy, a business genius with a deep understanding of the eluding laws of micro-economics, understood that a toned and tanned and shaved body ultimately relies on water. And by not supplying this intense hydration in a suitable format for the discerning arbiters of haute fashion, Ed Hardy understood, like a Nobel Laureate, that he was losing his market and ultimately decreasing his profit.

Of course, to sweeten the deal, it is important to know that rophynol also dissolves 2.457 times faster in this solution than it does in regular bottled water (a groundbreaking study by several UC Santa Barbara frat houses can confirm this as beyond factual).

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