Movie critics are not unlike chlamydia or gonorrhea: very exasperating and inconvenient when you are lusting for the full hermeneutic stroking of the mind and cock.

Of course, never has this been more palpable than when the film critic community recently took it upon itself to question the irrevocable supremacy of 2009′s greatest movie: 2012.

Make no mistake, dear readers, this film is more exceptional than a blowjob and lasts even longer. Tragically, that herpetic squadron of film analysts over at Rotten Tomatoes has castigated this masterpiece, directed by the superlatively homoerotic Roland Emmerich, having granted it a mere 39% on the Tomato Meter. Why? Because the “plot is thin” and the premise “silly“.

Yes, of course, because the world public was relying on this film to deliver an allegorical vignette of mankind’s constellation of philosophy.

Expanding upon this logic, FTVS hereby gives Schindler’s List a 5% on the Slut Meter because it failed to “deliver the laughs”, “lacked color film with nominal special effects” and “featured only many Krauts and Jews”.

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