Monthly Archives: January 2010

Culture Slut: Vagazzling is The New Ear Piercing

Glorious readership, a bedazzling revolution is upon us. Vagazzling! The trend that’s causing the nether regions of celebrities to twinkle like the starry snatches they are will  certainly illuminate non-celebrity naughty bits in time. Like Reaganomics, FTVS applies gravity’s logic to cultures of genital adornment. And so, we are certain that vagazzling — the art of dressing […]

Music Slut: Ralph Lawson January 2010 Mix

Readers, Mr. Ralph Lawson, honcho of one of the world’s most consistently erogenous record labels, 20:20 Vision, has concocted a delicious mix that will stimulate your coital muscles and your urethral openings. Of course, since FTVS first heard Random Factor’s On the Air EP before the millennial turn, Fortuna’s hermaphroditic boner has remained faithfully orthogonal […]

Product Slut: Apple iPad to Extinguish JazzMutant Lemur?

MIDI controllers are to live PAs what dildos and strap-ons are to lesbian porn and long bus rides: essential and very nice. Among the glamorous bunch, the Monome open source concept and JazzMutant are the choice of the riches. Until today, perhaps. A theologically and surgically resurrected Steve Jobs announced today the release of the […]

Economics Slut: Raj Rajaratnam Declares, “Tase the Fucking Midget!”, Saves Capitalism

Readers, in this age of indecency and acutely sodomizing atheism, it is supremely important that we continue to acknowledge life’s finer offerings, such as midgets and Tasers. None have grasped this maxim of dwarfs and electronic current weaponry with more agility than the corpulent and habitually jolly Indian capitalist, Raj Rajaratnam. RajRaj rightly acknowledged the […]

Music Slut: Sycophant Slags “Keep Off”, Featuring the Black Eyed Peas and David Guetta

FTVS paramours Adultnapper and Mr. C today released their newest collaboration as the Sycophant Slags. This suavely inebriated rocker features the highly-sexed Mr. C’s vocals spreading themselves across Adultnapper’s carnal compression, not unlike a seasoned prostitute taking a stroll on L. Ron Hubbard’s spaceship. Ariel Danziger is in command of the video, and is quickly […]

Music Slut: This is Acid, Rave Like It’s ’93 in LA This Weekend

A 303 on overdrive is not unlike a flock of prostitutes in a Javanese bordello staring at you on sweaty winter afternoon. More sexual perhaps, but equally invigorating. Congruently, it also brings with it the prospect of satisfying the most perverted and decadent of fetishes, albeit with the sweet prospect of a long-lasting rash and […]

Career Slut: Remi Gaillard, Internet Superstar

FTVS salutes ten years of online bravery by French funny man and Internet superstar Remi Gaillard. Mr. Gaillard is, to put it simply, a genius of theologically advanced humor capable of inciting comedic riot. While most socially cushioned French bastards regard an economical recession as an abnormally long paid vacation, the former soccer player used […]

al-Slut: Sheikh Issa Bin Sayed al-Nahayan Innocent! Drugs Guilty!

Hallelujah! Sheikh Issa bin Zayed al-Nahayan, brother of the United Arab Emirates’ president, was finally acquitted of a torture that he clearly had nothing to do with, aside from committing. Liberty incarnate, inshallah! Indeed, few as innocent, naïve and sweet as Sheikh Issa have known the scarlet taint of accusation. And for those who find […]

Charity Slut: Lindsay Lohan > Bono

Attention all attractive sex trafficking victims! It is time to jubilate and pay hommage to your most seraphic matriarch! Discharge your requital at Mother Lindsay immediately! Observe the clip below, and witness the rinsed-out hooker turned righteous social justice crusader disarm a real-life trafficker of  children with questions likely never before posed. “Didn’t you hear that children were […]

Music Slut: “It’s So Cold in the D” and “Smell Yo Dick” — FTVS Songs of the Year (2009 Edition)

Music, dear readers, is transcendental only on the rarest of occasions. More frequently, it is just disappointing and not worth the effort, like sex with a white girl. Unsurprisingly then, FTVS’s musical loins have largely gone sterile and flaccid since discovering Treal Lee and Prince Rick in September of 2009. Nothing compared… Until now. Indeed, […]