If only FTVS had the red shine.

–

God damn it readers, the holiday season left FTVS showered in gifts and golden liquid.

As world media outlets reported, FTVS headquartered herself at the Standard Hotel’s Rooftop Bar in Downtown LA on the New Year Evening and New Year Day to sample the offerings of the Culprit family. This sequence of events, extending over thirty-six (36) hours, was certainly the musical and celebratory equivalent to an evening long mouthparty.

The evening at this protruding Angelean structure in the heart of Los Angeles saw FTVS vigorously yet not quite vaginally indulge in a reunion with Mr. C, and of course converse with Mr. Zamias about the progeny of robust facial hair and sweetbaby mustache rides (though neither party remembers). Simultaneously, FTVS did her best not to spill drinks on Lee Foss‘ CDJs. Perhaps most importantly, FTVS was able to conclude that Mr. Andrei Osyka is decisively the most gentlemanly of all gentlemen. His cohort, Mr. Justin Sloe, comes in a close second, lacking only in gallant tenderness and blue eyes. The jury is still out on the third Droog.

Actual photographs and footage shot under the direction of Jack Colt documenting the aforementioned festivities have been confiscated by the Department of Justice. Johnny Cochran is working for FTVS to recover groundbreakingly incriminating materials. Incisive coverage will be revealed in the days to come, once prudence has been revivified. Understand this, you cuntish fiends: FTVS celebrated with extreme prejudice, and did not, as always, forget to not use condoms.

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