Monthly Archives: April 2010

PSA Slut: European Chickens Cause Homosexuality (Indeed)

Bolivian President Evo Morales announced last week (at the World People’s Conference on Climate Change and the Rights of Mother Earth) that European chickens are the primary source of homosexuality and male baldness. FTVS, as the last bastion of rigorous scientific geometry, decided to put this bold claim through an ascetic yet empirically normative test. […]

Culture Slut: Tits Cause Quakes, FTVS Leaves for Haiti

Readers, is it any surprise that a Persian scientist/religious hero has made the greatest scientific discovery since the Nipponese invented the LaserDisc? Of course, not. A high-ranking Iranian cleric recently identified that it is in fact the exposure of the women’s tittays, vagizzles, and badonk-a-cheeks that causes earthquakes. That is correct: those of you, dear […]

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, Second (2) Edition: Max Cooper

At last we present you with the second installment of our countably infinite series of Essensual Mixes. This sequelized and heavily sexualized edition features the heir to Horkheimer, Max Cooper. The connection between Mr. Cooper and Fortuna is strong, if not obvious, like Michael Jackson and Macualay Culkin in the tub perhaps. No one since the […]

Party Slut: The Culprit Sessions Return

Australians call it the Sunday Session. Theologically inclined Los Angeleans call it the Culprit Session. Yes, dear reader, your hibernation can end and the water sports can begin. The Rooftop at the Standard Hotel Downtown LA this Sunday becomes once more the fertile hive of sensual sweet babies dancing to a loined musical curation. What’s more, that […]

PSA Slut: FTVS goes Pay-Per-View

Dear reader, since the year two thousand and nine (2009), your life and loins have swelled freely with the most geometrically economical content on the internets. No longer! The time has come for FTVS to follow her intellectually inferior cousin, the Wall Street Journal, and capitalize on her entrepreneurial and coital talent. Starting today, the […]