Author Archives: Jack Colt

Culture Slut: Louis CK Explains the Catholic Church

Readers, we who are not Catholic have misunderstood the Church for too long. While FTVS Founding Editor Jack Colt may have been raised under Catholicism’s gentle, tender umbrella — spending his youth polishing the proverbial calysses — the Church’s eschatology (scatology?) has always left us discomposed. Perhaps a symptom of our plebeian, vile sensibilities. It […]

Culture Slut: Iranian Government Denies Holocaust, Conducts Its Own

Earlier today, the FTVS bureau was forwarded distressing images of men in uniform partaking in what can only be described as the worst crime against humanity since the creation of FTVS. In this world of complete theological disarray, Iran demonstrated that infamy knows no bounds, by ordering the systematic and hermeneutic destruction of millions of […]

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, Third (3) Edition: Mr. C

Readers, rather than letting FTVS do the talking, we will now do what Noam Chomsky should have done in 1971: we will shut the fuck up and let the Michel Foucault of electronic music say his piece. Dearest Eezer, please share with us your most intoxicating and intoxicated story involving the sweet narcotics and the […]

PSA Slut: European Chickens Cause Homosexuality (Indeed)

Bolivian President Evo Morales announced last week (at the World People’s Conference on Climate Change and the Rights of Mother Earth) that European chickens are the primary source of homosexuality and male baldness. FTVS, as the last bastion of rigorous scientific geometry, decided to put this bold claim through an ascetic yet empirically normative test. […]

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, Second (2) Edition: Max Cooper

At last we present you with the second installment of our countably infinite series of Essensual Mixes. This sequelized and heavily sexualized edition features the heir to Horkheimer, Max Cooper. The connection between Mr. Cooper and Fortuna is strong, if not obvious, like Michael Jackson and Macualay Culkin in the tub perhaps. No one since the […]

Party Slut: The Culprit Sessions Return

Australians call it the Sunday Session. Theologically inclined Los Angeleans call it the Culprit Session. Yes, dear reader, your hibernation can end and the water sports can begin. The Rooftop at the Standard Hotel Downtown LA this Sunday becomes once more the fertile hive of sensual sweet babies dancing to a loined musical curation. What’s more, that […]

PSA Slut: FTVS goes Pay-Per-View

Dear reader, since the year two thousand and nine (2009), your life and loins have swelled freely with the most geometrically economical content on the internets. No longer! The time has come for FTVS to follow her intellectually inferior cousin, the Wall Street Journal, and capitalize on her entrepreneurial and coital talent. Starting today, the […]

Film Slut: Dirty Pictures

While UC Berkeley is currently nurturing a nasty crop of Keynesian syphilis among its Economics department,  Cal’s Chemistry department remains at the forefront of theological psychotropic exploration. These groundbreaking seeds were initially sown by FTVS’s favorite mind explorer and Cal alum Alexander Shulgin (co-author of the penis-inflating monographs PiHKAL and TiHKAL). Dr. Shulgin is the […]

Music Slut: Lazers, Tits, and King Britt

The Saint Patrick’s celebration is and has always been a most adequate day to reawaken your latent alcoholism and to force sex upon Irish looking people. Vice versa is also acceptable. This year FTVS will help you, dear reader, with your endeavors by offering you one of the most groundbreaking websites ever to emerge from […]

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, First (1) Edition: DROOG

Readers, we present to you the culmination of it all: the FTVS Essensual Mix. It is hot like gay porn, but with more phallus and even more vagina. An iteratively monthly podcast event, the FTVS Essensual Mix is curated to expose Fortuna’s effete sensuality and easy virtue. It is an effort to spread her lips […]