Readers, we who are not Catholic have misunderstood the Church for too long. While FTVS Founding Editor Jack Colt may have been raised under Catholicism’s gentle, tender umbrella — spending his youth polishing the proverbial calysses — the Church’s eschatology (scatology?) has always left us discomposed. Perhaps a symptom of our plebeian, vile sensibilities. It [...]
Author Archives: Jack Colt
Culture Slut: Iranian Government Denies Holocaust, Conducts Its Own
Earlier today, the FTVS bureau was forwarded distressing images of men in uniform partaking in what can only be described as the worst crime against humanity since the creation of FTVS. In this world of complete theological disarray, Iran demonstrated that infamy knows no bounds, by ordering the systematic and hermeneutic destruction of millions of [...]
FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, Third (3) Edition: Mr. C
Readers, rather than letting FTVS do the talking, we will now do what Noam Chomsky should have done in 1971: we will shut the fuck up and let the Michel Foucault of electronic music say his piece. Dearest Eezer, please share with us your most intoxicating and intoxicated story involving the sweet narcotics and the [...]
Style Slut: Male Shoes That Attract Female
Dr. Martens x Stussy Desert Boots: The punks had Dr. Martens, and the surfers had Shawn Stussy. The punks are dead and Stussy sold his name, but the refined FTVS reader will be content to see an unlikely collaboration yield a pair of shoes that will not only be useful for roofying drinks at The [...]
PSA Slut: European Chickens Cause Homosexuality (Indeed)
Bolivian President Evo Morales announced last week (at the World People’s Conference on Climate Change and the Rights of Mother Earth) that European chickens are the primary source of homosexuality and male baldness. FTVS, as the last bastion of rigorous scientific geometry, decided to put this bold claim through an ascetic yet empirically normative test. [...]
Music Slut: Theology and Sex with Laura Escudé and Friends
In this world of libidinous disarray, FTVS remains your trusted source for theology. This weekend, Los Angeles-based Ableton Live Master Laura Escudé — a sexified womanimal if there ever has been one — will visit the holy city of San Francisco to help Brooklyn-based pioneer Moldover celebrate his birthday. The roster for this evening of [...]
FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, Second (2) Edition: Max Cooper
At last we present you with the second installment of our countably infinite series of Essensual Mixes. This sequelized and heavily sexualized edition features the heir to Horkheimer, Max Cooper. The connection between Mr. Cooper and Fortuna is strong, if not obvious, like Michael Jackson and Macualay Culkin in the tub perhaps. No one since the [...]
Film Slut: One Month on The Moon with Andrew Mooney
The astute and loyal FTVS reader remembers that FTVS Editors enjoy wetting their sticks on occasion; that is, indulging in surf related activities during sexual jaunts to various tropical and impoverished nations such as Indonesia. On my last trip to the great Muslim archipelago, I ventured to a remote shore near a small ‘hooker’ town where I [...]
PSA Slut: FTVS goes Pay-Per-View
Dear reader, since the year two thousand and nine (2009), your life and loins have swelled freely with the most geometrically economical content on the internets. No longer! The time has come for FTVS to follow her intellectually inferior cousin, the Wall Street Journal, and capitalize on her entrepreneurial and coital talent. Starting today, the [...]
