It is time, dear reader, to clarify the opaque, and lay bare the obstructed. We let FTVS Senior Religion Correspondent Louis CK explain:

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FTVS has no choice but to declare war against the Iranian government, and is currently negotiating with General Stanley McChrystal, an FTVS angel investor, on the most appropriate punishment. There is of course the atomic bomb, but the Iranian culprits shall be given much worse: FTVS will oversee the logistics of parachuting one hundred thousand (100,000) crates of David Guetta’s Just a Little More Love across this unholy nation.

Yes, dear reader when the going gets tough, the tough get tougher. FTVS has also contacted Oscar-winning director Steven Spielberg to write, direct, and produce a trilogy of films documenting the alcoholic genocide for future generations to remember that humans, much like over-sized rectal eels, on occasion go too far.

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Readers, rather than letting FTVS do the talking, we will now do what Noam Chomsky should have done in 1971: we will shut the fuck up and let the Michel Foucault of electronic music say his piece.

Dearest Eezer, please share with us your most intoxicating and intoxicated story involving the sweet narcotics and the sweet babies.

Do the narcotics and the babies have to come together? When I’m on narcotics and don’t really like jelly babies or any other candies come to think of it. And now I’m trying to think of narcotics that are sweet. Hmmmmmm?

However, there’s a guy in the place with a bitter sweet face and he goes by the name of Ebeneezer Goode. You wouldn’t want him standing behind you in a sweaty dark room though.

Do you regularly consult the cabal of Lotharios on 4four for advice on a) how to sex up the finest women b) how to become a fortuitous disc jockey c) how to travel the world and get paid to make vaginas dance? FTVS has not learned this from 4four, but has learned that soggy crackers is a very popular game with the site’s regular users.

I do regularly consult those said Lotharios. It’s a bit like listening to your Mom or your wife though, you always do the opposite to what you’ve been told.

So, A) I think most of them are virgins, or just not that proud of their other halves so generally offer little in the way of any decent advice on the fairer sex. B) There are actually a few fortuitous DJs that frequent 4four, but it’s mostly full of keyboard warriors who have never munched carpet or have anchovy on their pizzas, which clearly renders any advice completely irrelevant. C) See answer B.

I’ve also heard that Soggy Crackers is popular game in the cyber world of Lotharioland, they definitely don’t play crispy biscuits and their eye sights are going awry …. Bless!

FTVS is aware that you began observing the housing market at just the time the housing market crashed. Which economist most informs your purchasing decisions? Are you a genius entrepreneur and is the Fed consulting you?

It was actually a year after the market crashed we began observing, when the market hit it’s low, don’t you just love synchronicity? The £ had momentarily jumped back up to $1.64 from $1.45 when I transferred funds across and now it’s plummeted back to $1.45, all the luck of the Devil of course. It’s the wife that informs me of my purchasing decisions (well her purchasing decisions actually) and bloody fine decisions they are too as she does indeed wear the trousers in our house (which is great as I get to wear the skirt). Yes I’m a genius, yes I’m an entrepreneur but never in the same sentence and yes I think I’m Billy Big Balls (or was that Charlie Cohones)? Do you know who I think I am? And yes I have the Fed as my personal consultants. I can get them to consult for you for way less than half price, maybe even for free, but you have to do them, well, special favors.

Tell us about your relationship with our dear friend Francis “Big Frankie” Harris. Has he told you about the whale cock? FTVS fears his production output has decreased because he now spends too much time reading our website. This is completely understandable.

You gotta love “Big Frankie”. He’s probably my best pal in the whole wide world. Verga (spanish for Whale Cock) is one (1) of my favorite words. A famous philosopher once wrote “Esta la Verga Güey”. In fact I like Vergota even more as it’s simply that much greater. Also, I think Big Franks production output has increased hasn’t it, obviously inspired by the wisdom of that fortunate yet violently loose woman … the slut!

Tell us about Los Angeles. Is it treating you as it should? Are you still seeking to become an actor? Have you had any success? FTVS is making a movie about FTVS, titled “The Greatest Generation”. Come sit on the casting couch but don’t forget your mouth guard.

I love my new home city, it’s so laid back (well laid) and everyone is so friendly (when verga munching which I’m told is a delicacy). It looks like I may have nailed a Superfreq residency in Hollywood which will be an after hours, as well as our monthly Tuesday, Super Disco Freq at Short Stop in Echo Park, will know in the next few days about the after hours so keep your fingers crossed for me.

Yes, I’m still seeking to become an actor although settling in to Los Angeles is my first priority. The only success I’ve had has been getting cast in a very cool UK movie, great supporting role too so I’m stoked about that, again more info when it’s actually happening as in the movie industry, it may simply not happen any time soon, but now the summers coming I’ll be spending more weekends in L.A (if we confirm the after hours) meaning more time in L.A in general, so it’s now time to start networking now that I’ve found my feet a little in town.

The FTVS movie, I’d love to come sit on your casting couch but the mouth guard won’t be at all necessary and I give great auditions! More tea vicar?

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Tracklisting:

1. Dexter Wansal – Life on Mars – Philadelphia International Records
2. Canson – Sued – City Fox Ltd
3. Deniz Kurtel – Yeah (Jamie Jones Shower Curtain remix)- Crosstownrebels records.
4. Andomat3000 – Beatroot – Highrade Records
5. Pawel – Dawn – Dial Records
6. Room 10 – Los Gritos – Metroline Ltd
7. Semtek – Bells – Don’t Be Afraid Records
8. Pantha Du Prince – Stick to my side (efdemin version) – Rough Trade Records
9. DJ Jus-Ed v DJ QU – All across the floor – UQ Records
10. Moody Man – Freaky MF – KDJ records
11. Raza – After Death – Coloured
12. Read Truth – Evidence – RWL records
13. Liz Torres – I can’t get enough – State Street Records
14. Audion – Push – Spectral Sound Records
15. Alex O Smith – Kosmos 1402 – Omars Detroit
16. Divine – Native love – O Records
17. Cerone – Supernature – Malligator Records

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Acne Jeans Striking: The Swedes are as self centered as the French are arrogant, and it seems this is the key to style and coital theology. Acne Jeans Striking shoes are the dress shoe par excellence for any refined FTVS reader with donkey sex in mind. Meeting at the Federal Reserve? Late night at Jumbo’s Clown Room? The Striking will squeeze the sleaze out of any situation.

SpringCourt B4 Nappa: Besides Laurent Garnier and Jean-Michel Jarre, France has always been a successful exporter of all things sexed and raped, bringing to the select masses a palette of items of superior stylistic value. Brigitte Bardot, Serge Gainsbourg, Jean Paul Belmondo, and Marc Dorcel are the offspring of a refined nation with a generous womb that has defined sex since the dawn of humanity. FTVS declares SpringCourt as the all-round and geometrically superior L.A. sneaker. Yes, dear reader, you should indeed give away your pair of Converse to your retarded neighbor, and enjoy faster, longer and better intercourse with SpringCourt’s patented rubber sole. SpringCourt sneakers, like Asian women, are timeless and will remain magnetic to your seed for years to come.

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A Man Fucking a Chicken, Lui Ding 2007

Bolivian President Evo Morales announced last week (at the World People’s Conference on Climate Change and the Rights of Mother Earth) that European chickens are the primary source of homosexuality and male baldness.

FTVS, as the last bastion of rigorous scientific geometry, decided to put this bold claim through an ascetic yet empirically normative test.

The test subjects were none other than FTVS Senior Editors Jack Colt and Bob Albatross. Careful inspection of the editors’ scalps revealed a receding hairline on Jack Colt, and a proceeding hairline on Albatross. A historiographical study of their diets and feces over the past twenty (20) years confirmed Colt was fed European chickens as an infant, while Albatross exclusively consumed only the finest Canadian poultry.

Thus, because Jack Colt was the sole editor to consume significant doses of Euro-trash fowl, it was he who was selected to proceed on with the study. Bob Albatross may or may not have tagged along for moral support.

Jack Colt was given 200mg of rophynol and was thrown in San Francisco’s famous Steamworks Bathhouse for twelve (12) consecutive hours. Careful examination of Mr. Colt’s prostate and rectum after the experiment revealed repeated acts of joyous homosexual intercourse.

In lieu of the above finding we advise all FTVS readers who may have been in contact with European chickens to stay at home and avoid any contact with male individuals. Alternatively, FTVS advises that you may instead want to buy a one way ticket to the Castro to better understand if you too have ever eaten the gay bird.

The point, however, is not the latent and blatant homosexuality that pervades FTVS editors. Rather, the point is that Evo Morales is amazing. And probably gay, if not bald.

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In this world of libidinous disarray, FTVS remains your trusted source for theology. This weekend, Los Angeles-based Ableton Live Master Laura Escudé — a sexified womanimal if there ever has been one — will visit the holy city of San Francisco to help Brooklyn-based pioneer Moldover celebrate his birthday. The roster for this evening of stunningly comprehensive live PAs will also features Henry Strange, and local Ableton Masters Lucid Mechanism and Trifonic.

Yes, dear reader, some of the aforementioned names are probably as foreign sounding as the voice of a Korean transvestite to you, but this is precisely the point of a groundbreaking news outlet such as FTVS. We feel it is time for you to dive into a world of complex live performances where software and hardware are astutely masturbated like George Michael’s leathered cock. Additionally, in case you have grown tired of sounding like Jack Colt and his Casio SA-20 after a potent amount of horse tranquilizer, Professor Escudé and her troops from Electronic Creatives will be conducting a class the following day.

We invite you, dear reader, to become familiar with Miss Escudé’s work, provided below. Because the economy still needs your monetary fellatio, we invite you to perhaps purchase the extremely limited edition Mojo MIDI controller crafted by the minute hands of Moldover himself, and also purchase Laura Escudé’s new album Pororoca to be released June 1st on Electronic Creatives. As Nike says, just fucking do it so good.

[MP3] Pororoca — Laura Escudé

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At last we present you with the second installment of our countably infinite series of Essensual Mixes. This sequelized and heavily sexualized edition features the heir to Horkheimer, Max Cooper. The connection between Mr. Cooper and Fortuna is strong, if not obvious, like Michael Jackson and Macualay Culkin in the tub perhaps.

No one since the great Iannis Xenakis and the uber-sexual Deniz Kurtel has demonstrated the neuronal ingenuity necessary to span the basis of musical theology in such a linear and erogenous fashion. Recent Traum releases such as the Harmonish Serie, Stochastic Serie, and Chaotish Serie were purely deflowering if not entirely academic — in the sense that a professor has sex with his undergraduate students.

As this concoction evidences, Max is also a capable jockey of the disc; but enough of us, let Dr. Cooper himself do the descriptive:

This is a sonic representation of midgets on wheels suffering the obtrusive consequences of Goliath on heat, a coming together which can only occur with a careful oiling of musical progression. The lewd intrusion takes the audience and participants to unseen nooks and crannies of musical anatomy, as genres are split and sealed in a manner that breaks any idealistic laws of how a mix should be done.

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Tracklisting:

1. Max Richter – Horizon Variations (FatCat)
2. Noisa – Machine Gun – Amon Tobin Remix (Vision)
3. Jay Shepheard – Add Arp (Retrofit)
4. Slam – Azure – Radioslave Remix (Soma) – Max Cooper Edit
5. Hot Chip – I Feel Better – Max Cooper Remix (TBC)
6. Butch – Reshef – Gow Remix (Trapez Ltd)
7. Max Cooper – Chaotisch Serie – Reset Robot Remix (Traum)
8. Mijail & Victor Vera – Jungler – Loko Remix (Darkside Digital) – Max Cooper Edit
9. Barem – Heyday – Ronan Portela Remix (Foundsound Records)
10. Fabian Schumann & Black Vel – Rafael (Mangue)
11. Dyno – Risvegli – Max Cooper Remix (Hell Yeah)
12. Andre Kraml – Safari – James Holden Remix (Crosstown Rebels)
13. Olivier Giacomotto – Gone Hunting (Definitive) – Max Cooper Edit
14. Max Cooper – Ediolic Spectra (TBC)
15. Stephan Bodzin – Vendetta (Herzblut)
16. Max Cooper – Chaotisch Serie (Traum)
17. King Roc – The Beginning (Process)

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Australians call it the Sunday Session. Theologically inclined Los Angeleans call it the Culprit Session. Yes, dear reader, your hibernation can end and the water sports can begin. The Rooftop at the Standard Hotel Downtown LA this Sunday becomes once more the fertile hive of sensual sweet babies dancing to a loined musical curation.

What’s more, that first afternoon, Jack Colt will host a pleasure contest in the ladies restroom. Hydrate profusely, and visit the toilets to explore the outer limits of Mr. Colt’s flaccidity. Also, Konrad Black is Canadian but is not the media magnate in prison. Same same, yet only similar.

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Mr. Mooney is a household name in Australia, though the US media breakthrough occurred only last June during TurtleGate — c.f., TurtleGate Day one (1), two (2), and three (3): the Pulitzer caliber investigative coverage conducted by Lewis Samuels, FTVS’ neighbor and founder of the now defunct postsurf.com.

Video allegations of exotic Turtle molestation proliferated rapidly, attracting accolades from FTVS staff and readers, and criticism from most non-FTVS staff and readers, whose lack of theology failed to grok the inherent beauty in the mixture of seafood and sex. Indeed, FTVS has advocated for the enjoyment of sea creatures with the mouth and with the cock on frequent occasions.

I followed the crew for ten (10) days while they filmed in the Sumatran wilderness. This endeavor resulted in Andrew Mooney’s new and groundbreaking profile video, which is currently attached to the cover of this month’s Waves magazine. The film exhibits his precise skills in the moving water, as well as several other talents resembling those of yogi Anthony Walsh, and amphibian Laurie Towner; but most importantly, the movie features a four (4) second face shot of yours truly, FTVS editor Jack Colt, in the credits. Yes, dear reader, this is success.

B&W photography by Jack Colt, all rights reserved.

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Starting today, the FTVS team is pleased to offer you the right to orgasm off of forthcoming FTVS content for only $18.99 (+ taxes) per month. FTVS is, in essence, the new Rupert Murdoch, but younger and with longer lasting erections and a smaller prostate.

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