Readers, FTVS output has been more flaccid than a Palestine-destined flotilla as of late. Sadly, our lack of journalistic ejaculate will continue through the summer months, not unlike a bitch in heat. Why? Because FTVS is returning to school for the summer, and when school is in session, FTVS is not. We shall be back [...]
Author Archives: Bob Albatross
Party Slut: Kontrol Your Boner, Craig Richards Comes to SF
Readers, we apologize for our flaccid output of late. The FTVS editorial board has been busy with less urgent matters. Advising BP on how not to control premature yet robust ejaculation, mentoring the Israeli military on how not to crash a boat party, our schedules have been tight, perhaps too tight. And yet, we interrupt [...]
PSA Slut: Size Does Matter When Inserting Sea Animals In Anus
Readers, FTVS is first and foremost a source of public health and safety, an almanac of medicality and biological guidance. It is why Kathleen Sebelius frequently stops by the office for a game of find-the-gherkin. Ever since FTVS featured a glowing review of Shane Smith‘s documentary Genki and The Art of Eel Porn, FTVS readers [...]
Culture Slut: Tits Cause Quakes, FTVS Leaves for Haiti
Readers, is it any surprise that a Persian scientist/religious hero has made the greatest scientific discovery since the Nipponese invented the LaserDisc? Of course, not. A high-ranking Iranian cleric recently identified that it is in fact the exposure of the women’s tittays, vagizzles, and badonk-a-cheeks that causes earthquakes. That is correct: those of you, dear [...]
Culture Slut: Billy Dee Williams Asks “Why Take Chances?”
Some things are better than words but no things are better than Billy Dee Williams. He is the original erogenous black man. FTVS often asks: should we risk child support liability and allow the full release to occur inside? Can we place so much sexual kismet in Fortuna’s petite if not calloused hands? Of course, [...]
Film Slut: I Am A Motherfucker
The motherfucker is Thomas Alexander Bruso, a bearded gentleman famous throughout the Oakland area and also the internet area. Mr. Bruso is an expert, shall we say, at doing the right thing at the right time in the right place. Perhaps justifiably he was tasered at an Oakland A’s game by the Orwellian pigs, and [...]
Music Slut: Songs For Sex, Volume 1
Readers, sometimes we just need a little bit more 80s Negro action in our lives. FTVS does not really need this because of course Grace Jones and Carl Weathers are both interns in our office. Still, the videos below will assist in stimulating those of you undernourished by a lack of African American companions. Spice [...]
Music Slut: Exclusive Interview of the Year 7th Edition – Deniz Kurtel
Readers, this interview tested the extreme limits of lust and erotogenic mutuality. While our readership has come to expect nothing less than the most groundbreaking catechisms and inquests from the brilliant yet seductive FTVS staff, we surprised even ourselves with this dialogue, entering a previously unattainable arena of sexuality and theology. The hedonic, erotic connection [...]
Party Slut: RebelRave or Die
As any al-Qaeda operative will tell you, an endorsement from FTVS is more influential than Allah’s consent and seventy two (72) unsullied virgins. FTVS does not endorse al-Qaeda but does genitally and theologically endorse the upcoming RebelRave event in San Francisco on February 26, and perhaps also in Los Angeles the proceeding eve. Even the [...]
Q&A Slut: Is It Acceptable to (Not) Masturbate on an Airplane?
Thoughtful readers, what is the more benevolent of Fortuna’s gifts? A) Providing mankind with the ability to practice the art of flight via airplane or B) Providing humanity with the capacity to fondle the erogenous musculars and spelunk the coital caverns? In other words, mankind is able to fly, and mankind is able to she-bop [...]
