We shall be back soon. Probably in October, once the refractory period has lapsed. Of course, staring at Mark Harmon will expedite the period.

Also, we are attending Matthew Dear at Mighty tonight. San Francisco will have her alpha lips drenched in juice, for the curly-haired Detroit-born techno maven will deliver us from evil and help us pitch the fur bucket in the cunt.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Of course, it is the five (5) year anniversary of Kontrol, San Francisco’s most fervidly theological monthly. Who better than to help ring in this festive, fisting aural enema than monsieur Craig Richards — Fabric resident DJ, sexual icon of tech house and minimal fanboys the world over, and the less cartoonish, smiley half of Tyrant. While dear Craig may never smile, he certainly plays narcotically coital music.

Tickets are we don’t know how much. We do know that Craig will be playing with Galoppierende Zuversicht and the entire Kontrol family until 6am PST, so the fiscals, like prophylactics, are of no concern. See you at the End Up. Free handjobs for all.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Eels, maximum pleasure, maximum danger.

Readers, FTVS is first and foremost a source of public health and safety, an almanac of medicality and biological guidance. It is why Kathleen Sebelius frequently stops by the office for a game of find-the-gherkin.

Ever since FTVS featured a glowing review of Shane Smith‘s documentary Genki and The Art of Eel Porn, FTVS readers around the planet have indulged in the sweet and deliciously electrifying rectal insertion of our black little friend, the eel.

Sadly last week, long time FTVS reader Hao Xing suffered a most untimely death after being subjected to a surprise insertion of a fifty (50) centimeter Asian specimen in his rectum.

Yes, dear reader, eels, like penises and dildos, come in different sizes and colors, and while they can all be very capable of massaging the prostate, larger eels are known to be capable of also eating the prostate and its surrounding tissues, which, in the case of our friend Hao Xing, can be lethal.

Of course, FTVS always advises you to play roulette with that heathen trollop Fortuna, and if sticking an eel in your fur burger is the only way you can achieve maximum satisfaction, then let nothing stop you.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Stop the shaking.

Readers, is it any surprise that a Persian scientist/religious hero has made the greatest scientific discovery since the Nipponese invented the LaserDisc? Of course, not.

A high-ranking Iranian cleric recently identified that it is in fact the exposure of the women’s tittays, vagizzles, and badonk-a-cheeks that causes earthquakes.

That is correct: those of you, dear readers, who enjoy parading in the Dar al-Harb whilst dressed like sluts (Fortuna) cause the tectonic plates to shift and rupture, not unlike how Jack Colt’s prostate shifts and ruptures at the sight of RuPaul.

In a masterful display of religious theology, the cleric, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, brilliantly catechized that:

Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes.

Hearing of this news, FTVS caught the first plane to Port-Au-Prince. Oh yes, FTVS is rarely where the action is not. Clearly, the heathens are in Haiti, and FTVS loves itself some big-breasted heathens.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

FTVS often asks: should we risk child support liability and allow the full release to occur inside? Can we place so much sexual kismet in Fortuna’s petite if not calloused hands? Of course, FTVS errs on the side of caution — why take chances? — and always pulls out. Leaving it on the tummy is also nice, and is the ultimate prophylactic.

Yes, Billy Dee, of course.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Perhaps justifiably he was tasered at an Oakland A’s game by the Orwellian pigs, and more recently knocked the teeth out of an obnoxious bus rider about twenty (20) years his junior. There is no question that Mr. Bruso is Bob Albatross’ genetic although perhaps not hermeneutic father.

Let the Motherfucker himself do the explaining in the brief documentary below. Keep in mind that this film should have won an Academy Award for best documentary because being a motherfucker is much more theologically palatable than being a social worker for dolphins.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Still, the videos below will assist in stimulating those of you undernourished by a lack of African American companions. Spice up your day and let the theology and geometry of Black Sex take you over.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Readers, this interview tested the extreme limits of lust and erotogenic mutuality. While our readership has come to expect nothing less than the most groundbreaking catechisms and inquests from the brilliant yet seductive FTVS staff, we surprised even ourselves with this dialogue, entering a previously unattainable arena of sexuality and theology.

The hedonic, erotic connection between FTVS and Deniz Kurtel is strong, perhaps too strong. Read on, but first be sure to lay down, for this interview will cause a rush of blood to the (phallic) head so robust you will likely faint at least three (3) times.

Let us commence.

Deniz, trusted sources indicate that you are the spawn of “mining magnates turned championship racehorse breeders”. This suggests FTVS has read about you in a Dominic Dunne article, or has seen your family caricaturised in a Bond film. Please give us five (5) sentences about your upbringing in the Anatolian Peninsula. Also, are you expected to marry an aristocrat (please note that the blood of FTVS industrialists Bob Albatross and Jack Colt is very blue)?

I lived in Turkey till I was 18, and had a very close relationship with my parents growing up.  My mom’s world consisted of making/teaching/sponsoring art, and she took me and my sister everywhere she went so we grew up in her art world.  My father was obsessed with the sea so we spent 3-4 months of every year on the boat, definitely the best times of my life.  I didn’t have so many friends and spent most of my time out of school taking all sorts of lessons, studying piano, riding horses, didn’t feel like so much fun! I’ve been to more parties with my parents as a little kid than I had with my friends growing up (which I believe I made up for afterwards) so the main style of dance music that was etched in my head during my upbringing was 80s electro and disco. Not sure if I’m expected to marry anymore, although I’m sure they’d be pretty happy if I married anyone!

Interesting, yet subtle. It is a coital refreshment to witness a woman of both fomenting intellect and sexual perspicacity grace the highest echelons of the electronic music circuit. Not since DJ Irene has the FTVS boner/brain dialectic been so rigorously stimulated. Please review this video (see below) and share with us what you feel you have yet to learn from the sensually virile DJ Irene.

I need to learn some cool dance moves.

Yes, yes you do. As you are certainly and cogently aware, one FTVS founding editor refused an impotent scholarship offer to pursue his PhD in Political Theory at a famous university on the isle of Manhattan, while the other is completing his PhD in Economics somewhere in California. The point, if one can be found, is this: is it both necessary and sufficient to have a PhD to impress you, Ms. Kurtel? In other words, if the objective is to explore your physical and metaphysical curvatures, must Bob go back to school and acquire his doctorate? Or would you settle for Jack and his sexually banal yet quantitatively astute PhD?

If the objective is to explore curvatures you might be better off exploring someone else, as I’m pretty flat physically — and metaphysically.

Both our mind and member disagree, but we must forge onward with this discussion. FTVS is quite certain, of course, that you are the Iannis Xenakis of the 21st century. How did your time at Columbia’s ISERP shape the mostly correct theology of your music?

Really funny … I’m sure there is a lot that influenced me indirectly but one direct influence I can remember is being inspired by studying mapping in set theory in a math class to map sound (first other people’s music, and then my own music) to color, using LEDs.  I’m working on implementing this on my live shows.

We digress. You will recall that the FTVS readership yearns for human interest stories from the exotic world of techno music’s most esteemed vendors. Accordingly, who is more nectarous when dealing with the sweet babies: Jamie Jones or Seth Troxler? FTVS observes that both men are in possession of inspiring hair follicles. Do you know if the carpet matches the table cloth and napkins, as we say in San Francisco?

I’ve seen Jamie more than Seth (who I’ve seen once) on the tour so far so I’ve been seeing quite a lot of sweet babies wanting to deal with Jamie (true story!). And the carpet definitely matches the table cloth, oh and napkins of course.

If your music was a statistic it would be (explain):
(a) sufficient
(b) complete
(c) complete and sufficient
(d) anscillary

I’ll leave that to your readership to decide.

What stochastic process best characterizes your personal and perhaps sexual life (explain):
(a) Brownian motion
(b) Martingales
(c) Markov process
(FYI: Jack Colt’s is characterized by Markov, a result of heavy self-dosings of rophynol, which usually prevents his ability to recall, well, anything.)

Well, I try to learn from my past but don’t let it spoil a fresh start, so a bit of both Martingales and Markov.

What is the role of gender when one is gurning on the donkey dust at 5am EST in the Marcy Hotel?

The role of gender at 5am at the Marcy is girls start really getting down, but there is no grinding because it’s all about the music.

Like most other aspiring musicians and DJs who are subjected to the blinding sunshine that is the FTVS spotlight, your life will certainly change once this interview is published. Fame, glory, theology and geometry will present themselves to you in ways previously unforeseen. Accordingly, will you commit to purchasing FTVS editors a drink at your show in San Francisco on February 26? Do you want to have a sleepover?

For sure!  I’m afraid there’s no time for a sleepover though as we head to LA right after. Maybe next time.

No, this time. Tell us about 2010 for Deniz Kurtel. Tell us about your album and your art. Tell us everything. Also, have you heard of sexting and what is your mobile phone number?

Album is almost done, it will probably be out sometime in the summer.  I’ve built my LED installation that I’m using for a few of the main shows during the RebelRave tour, which I’m working on improving as I go along.  I’m doing some of the RebelRave dates in the US till Miami WMC and in Europe till June. We’ll see what happens after that. Perhaps some cool projects with Gadi’s new label Double Standard.  Sure I’ve heard of sexting. My number is 888 382 3483. +69 if you’re dialing from San Fran.

That was the best sext you have ever had. You are welcome for this interview Deniz. You have achieved maximum coital satisfaction and your toes will continue to be numb for perhaps 24 hours. We look forward to seeing you at Mighty in San Francisco on Friday night, and will gladly join you in your bunk on the tour bus for the ride to your gig on Saturday evening in Los Angeles.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

As any al-Qaeda operative will tell you, an endorsement from FTVS is more influential than Allah’s consent and seventy two (72) unsullied virgins. FTVS does not endorse al-Qaeda but does genitally and theologically endorse the upcoming RebelRave event in San Francisco on February 26, and perhaps also in Los Angeles the proceeding eve. Even the most nescient of sexual Luddites will recall that RebelRave is the touring incarnation of the resplendently titillating Crosstown Rebels record label.

Headlined by the perpetually agreeable and coitally amenable Damian Lazarus, with procreative support from FTVS favorite Jamie Jones, not to mention 2010′s wet-dreamed statistician Deniz Kurtel and the fearless sexual icon Seth Troxler, this event will posolutely make the sweet babies rave, squeal and ostensibly gush with glee. It is without saying that FTVS editor Jack Colt will be in attendance to assist the said babies in reaching maximum satisfaction.

Occurring at Mighty, San Francisco’s most diaphanous nightclub with San Francisco’s most pulverizing soundsystem, the event is hosted by the lasciviously prurient Listed Productions family. RebelRave TV, Crosstown Rebels pornographic documentary series, will be recording segments of the Bay area event, soon to be aired on Comcast’s A&R Channel.

FTVS has never led its readership astray with our steroidal recommendations. As such, it is both extolled and demanded of you to buy tickets ahead of time, because this fervid slut of a show will sell out.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Thoughtful readers, what is the more benevolent of Fortuna’s gifts?

A) Providing mankind with the ability to practice the art of flight via airplane or B) Providing humanity with the capacity to fondle the erogenous musculars and spelunk the coital caverns?

In other words, mankind is able to fly, and mankind is able to she-bop the goo-gun. Which is more profound? Thankfully this is not important, because these gifts can be merged.

Quite literally, Fortuna encourages us to coalesce these two activities  at each and every opportunity. It is our sacramental duty as 21st century men and women to disregard TSA and PETA warnings and flog the bottle-nosed-dolphin whilst engaging in commercial airline flight.

Need more proof? Please visit our friends at Yahoo! Answers for a more nuanced understanding of what this really means.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.