Readers, Mr. Ralph Lawson, honcho of one of the world’s most consistently erogenous record labels, 20:20 Vision, has concocted a delicious mix that will stimulate your coital muscles and your urethral openings. Of course, since FTVS first heard Random Factor’s On the Air EP before the millennial turn, Fortuna’s hermaphroditic boner has remained faithfully orthogonal [...]
Author Archives: Bob Albatross
Economics Slut: Raj Rajaratnam Declares, “Tase the Fucking Midget!”, Saves Capitalism
Readers, in this age of indecency and acutely sodomizing atheism, it is supremely important that we continue to acknowledge life’s finer offerings, such as midgets and Tasers. None have grasped this maxim of dwarfs and electronic current weaponry with more agility than the corpulent and habitually jolly Indian capitalist, Raj Rajaratnam. RajRaj rightly acknowledged the [...]
Music Slut: Sycophant Slags “Keep Off”, Featuring the Black Eyed Peas and David Guetta
FTVS paramours Adultnapper and Mr. C today released their newest collaboration as the Sycophant Slags. This suavely inebriated rocker features the highly-sexed Mr. C’s vocals spreading themselves across Adultnapper’s carnal compression, not unlike a seasoned prostitute taking a stroll on L. Ron Hubbard’s spaceship. Ariel Danziger is in command of the video, and is quickly [...]
Charity Slut: Lindsay Lohan > Bono
Attention all attractive sex trafficking victims! It is time to jubilate and pay hommage to your most seraphic matriarch! Discharge your requital at Mother Lindsay immediately! Observe the clip below, and witness the rinsed-out hooker turned righteous social justice crusader disarm a real-life trafficker of children with questions likely never before posed. “Didn’t you hear that children were [...]
Advice Slut: Meet Jacques, FTVS’s Newest Columnist
FTVS is pleased to introduce you to Jacques-Yves Perichon, our most new columnist. Jacques is an expert in all things that require advice, so please send your questions to him at post [at] fortunathatviciousslut [dot] org. This is Jacques’ first column. A reader asks: Jacques, why is baseball considered the American national pastime? It has [...]
Career Slut: Jacques-Yves Perichon Wins Competition, Joins FTVS
Readers, this story has gripped the nation more robustly than a waffle-waitress gripping Tiger Woods’ testicles. Belatedly, we offer you a conclusion. After many submissions, FTVS has finally selected the winner of its Career Slut Competition. An infinite number of gifted Asians applied, however this is not an arithmetic contest. Submissions arrived from luminaries and [...]
PSA Slut: Merry Christmas
Readers, FTVS is aware of all things sacrosanct and incorporeal. We are fondlers of the spiritual and the sexual, oftentimes simultaneously. Accordingly, we wish you all a Merry Christmas, and ask that you appreciate your family, friends and of course Jesus H. Christ with extreme prejudice on this fine day. May you all indulge in [...]
Film Slut: Jungle’s Genealogy
To the uninitiated FTVS reader, the history of Jungle and Drum ‘n Bass might appear long and dark, not unlike the negro phallus. However, it is in fact short and pallid, not unlike the honkey phallus. Yes, dear reader, this is besides the point. Phallus girth and pigment are not the issue. The issue is [...]
Music Slut: Massive Sexual Attack
Readers, we are all of common mind when discussing Massive Attack: they are a trinity of sublimity, courtesy of members 3D, Mushroom, and of course Daddy G. [Editor's Note: If you have not let your ears bear witness to Daddy G's DJ Kicks compilation, you are deserving of a swift kick to the testiculars, because [...]
