Glorious readership, a bedazzling revolution is upon us. Vagazzling! The trend that’s causing the nether regions of celebrities to twinkle like the starry snatches they are will certainly illuminate non-celebrity naughty bits in time. Like Reaganomics, FTVS applies gravity’s logic to cultures of genital adornment. And so, we are certain that vagazzling — the art of dressing [...]
Author Archives: Kip Penn
al-Slut: Sheikh Issa Bin Sayed al-Nahayan Innocent! Drugs Guilty!
Hallelujah! Sheikh Issa bin Zayed al-Nahayan, brother of the United Arab Emirates’ president, was finally acquitted of a torture that he clearly had nothing to do with, aside from committing. Liberty incarnate, inshallah! Indeed, few as innocent, naïve and sweet as Sheikh Issa have known the scarlet taint of accusation. And for those who find [...]
Fashion Slut: Body-Diaper-Chic
The ladies at the View introduce body-diaper-chic, a modern line that interprets a timeless classic.
Food Slut: Panda Express
I’d like to call attention to the fortunes in fortune cookies. Specifically, the sick fuck in China who slips his molesting prognostications into cookies that make their way to my Panda Express. You can’t imagine the disappointment I feel. The digestive gratification of a three-item meal – kung pao pork, pepper pork, egg rolls, washed [...]
PSA Slut: Announcement in Portuguese
Dear readers, FTVS staff is constantly concerned for your well-being and fortitude, which is why we, in partnership with SOS Mata Atlantica, endorse shower urination. One must not possess Portuguese fluency to appreciate the inherent cleansing utility of splashing your little footsies about in golden puddles. It’s truly an every-person activity; although drinking from the fountain of [...]
Economics Slut: Beastial Government Stimulus
In a profane effrontery to decency and theology, the US government continues burning stimulus money with wanton disregard for tax payers and forest creatures alike. Though many of our fanatical readers may think this is to be expected in today’s United Socialist States of America, FTVS refuses to sit mute, dumb and idle. Helen Keller, [...]
Art Slut: iPhone Finger Painting
The New Yorker’s designer-bootlicking tongue is soiled inexorably with its latest adulation. In its unyielding allegiance to all things obtrusively bourgeoisie, the magazine resolves to gentrify our purest and most organic art form – fingerpainting. Once the expression of the masses (or of those with at least one finger and something to smear something else [...]
Economics Slut: FTVS’s Loan Broker
As consummate financial specialists, FTVS staff is privy to extremely untoxic loans and asset movements, and is highly involved in fiscal policy setting and analysis. Jack Welch is often calling the FTVS office line for hortatory counsel. Timothy Geitner is perhaps a member of the FTVS editorial board. Kip “Friedman” Penn, as the lead monitor [...]
Technology Slut: Tamagochi Menagerie
Tamagochi animals, those interactive digital pets that require their owner’s constant attention – pushing buttons serves as petting and feeding and picking up shit. While most children let theirs die faster than they did their guinea pigs, a few children never learned. These dedicated children are now adults, and most certainly perverts who would do [...]
Culture Slut: FDA, Leave Djarums Alone
T he FDA’s fascist campaign against the tobacco industry wants my beloved Djarums dead. But why? If there is one kind of cigarette both smokers and non-smokers can enjoy together it is the clove. Non-smokers admire the smell and the nectarious paper around the filter. Self-conscious smokers adore being the perplexing anomaly in the crowd. [...]
