Category Archives: Art

Feb 22 4 comments
Art, Music

Music Slut: Exclusive Interview of the Year 7th Edition – Deniz Kurtel

Readers, this interview tested the extreme limits of lust and erotogenic mutuality. While our readership has come to expect nothing less than the most groundbreaking catechisms and inquests from the brilliant yet seductive FTVS staff, we surprised even ourselves with this dialogue, entering a previously unattainable arena of sexuality and theology.

The hedonic, erotic connection between FTVS and Deniz Kurtel is strong, perhaps too strong. Read on, but first be sure to lay down, for this interview will cause a rush of blood to the (phallic) head so robust you will likely faint at least three (3) times.

Let us commence.

Deniz, trusted sources indicate that you are the spawn of “mining magnates turned championship racehorse breeders”. This suggests FTVS has read about you in a Dominic Dunne article, or has seen your family caricaturised in a Bond film. Please give us five (5) sentences about your upbringing in the Anatolian Peninsula. Also, are you expected to marry an aristocrat (please note that the blood of FTVS industrialists Bob Albatross and Jack Colt is very blue)?

I lived in Turkey till I was 18, and had a very close relationship with my parents growing up.  My mom’s world consisted of making/teaching/sponsoring art, and she took me and my sister everywhere she went so we grew up in her art world.  My father was obsessed with the sea so we spent 3-4 months of every year on the boat, definitely the best times of my life.  I didn’t have so many friends and spent most of my time out of school taking all sorts of lessons, studying piano, riding horses, didn’t feel like so much fun! I’ve been to more parties with my parents as a little kid than I had with my friends growing up (which I believe I made up for afterwards) so the main style of dance music that was etched in my head during my upbringing was 80s electro and disco. Not sure if I’m expected to marry anymore, although I’m sure they’d be pretty happy if I married anyone!

Interesting, yet subtle. It is a coital refreshment to witness a woman of both fomenting intellect and sexual perspicacity grace the highest echelons of the electronic music circuit. Not since DJ Irene has the FTVS boner/brain dialectic been so rigorously stimulated. Please review this video (see below) and share with us what you feel you have yet to learn from the sensually virile DJ Irene.

I need to learn some cool dance moves.

Yes, yes you do. As you are certainly and cogently aware, one FTVS founding editor refused an impotent scholarship offer to pursue his PhD in Political Theory at a famous university on the isle of Manhattan, while the other is completing his PhD in Economics somewhere in California. The point, if one can be found, is this: is it both necessary and sufficient to have a PhD to impress you, Ms. Kurtel? In other words, if the objective is to explore your physical and metaphysical curvatures, must Bob go back to school and acquire his doctorate? Or would you settle for Jack and his sexually banal yet quantitatively astute PhD?

If the objective is to explore curvatures you might be better off exploring someone else, as I’m pretty flat physically — and metaphysically.

Both our mind and member disagree, but we must forge onward with this discussion. FTVS is quite certain, of course, that you are the Iannis Xenakis of the 21st century. How did your time at Columbia’s ISERP shape the mostly correct theology of your music?

Really funny … I’m sure there is a lot that influenced me indirectly but one direct influence I can remember is being inspired by studying mapping in set theory in a math class to map sound (first other people’s music, and then my own music) to color, using LEDs.  I’m working on implementing this on my live shows.

We digress. You will recall that the FTVS readership yearns for human interest stories from the exotic world of techno music’s most esteemed vendors. Accordingly, who is more nectarous when dealing with the sweet babies: Jamie Jones or Seth Troxler? FTVS observes that both men are in possession of inspiring hair follicles. Do you know if the carpet matches the table cloth and napkins, as we say in San Francisco?

I’ve seen Jamie more than Seth (who I’ve seen once) on the tour so far so I’ve been seeing quite a lot of sweet babies wanting to deal with Jamie (true story!). And the carpet definitely matches the table cloth, oh and napkins of course.

If your music was a statistic it would be (explain):
(a) sufficient
(b) complete
(c) complete and sufficient
(d) anscillary

I’ll leave that to your readership to decide.

What stochastic process best characterizes your personal and perhaps sexual life (explain):
(a) Brownian motion
(b) Martingales
(c) Markov process
(FYI: Jack Colt’s is characterized by Markov, a result of heavy self-dosings of rophynol, which usually prevents his ability to recall, well, anything.)

Well, I try to learn from my past but don’t let it spoil a fresh start, so a bit of both Martingales and Markov.

What is the role of gender when one is gurning on the donkey dust at 5am EST in the Marcy Hotel?

The role of gender at 5am at the Marcy is girls start really getting down, but there is no grinding because it’s all about the music.

Like most other aspiring musicians and DJs who are subjected to the blinding sunshine that is the FTVS spotlight, your life will certainly change once this interview is published. Fame, glory, theology and geometry will present themselves to you in ways previously unforeseen. Accordingly, will you commit to purchasing FTVS editors a drink at your show in San Francisco on February 26? Do you want to have a sleepover?

For sure!  I’m afraid there’s no time for a sleepover though as we head to LA right after. Maybe next time.

No, this time. Tell us about 2010 for Deniz Kurtel. Tell us about your album and your art. Tell us everything. Also, have you heard of sexting and what is your mobile phone number?

Album is almost done, it will probably be out sometime in the summer.  I’ve built my LED installation that I’m using for a few of the main shows during the RebelRave tour, which I’m working on improving as I go along.  I’m doing some of the RebelRave dates in the US till Miami WMC and in Europe till June. We’ll see what happens after that. Perhaps some cool projects with Gadi’s new label Double Standard.  Sure I’ve heard of sexting. My number is 888 382 3483. +69 if you’re dialing from San Fran.

That was the best sext you have ever had. You are welcome for this interview Deniz. You have achieved maximum coital satisfaction and your toes will continue to be numb for perhaps 24 hours. We look forward to seeing you at Mighty in San Francisco on Friday night, and will gladly join you in your bunk on the tour bus for the ride to your gig on Saturday evening in Los Angeles.

Feb 12 0 comments
Art, Culture

TV Slut: Megwin TchiBi

The astute reader remembers FTVS’s avant-garde coverage of the bizarre yet sublime art of inflating various organs of the body with saline injections. The same reader remembers our constantly renewed admiration for all things Nippon, particularly when it involves vaginal play with serpentine sea creatures.

Will the Nipponese ever cease to dazzle our pale-colored round-eyes? Will this great nation ever fail to erect our stereotypically yet comparatively larger reproductive accoutrement? FTVS does not know. What FTVS does know, readers, is MegwinTV may well be what Johnny Knoxville could have accomplished had he properly harnessed Spike Jonze’s geometric ontology.

In the spirit of professionalism, FTVS lets the MegwinTV website do the talking:

“We, Samurai, are making original comedy movies in Japan!! We’re pleasure that people over the world enjoy our movies!! Come to our web site!!”

And come, dear reader. Come.

Jan 18 0 comments
Art, Economics, Reviews

Career Slut: Remi Gaillard, Internet Superstar

Remi, eating little white balls.

FTVS salutes ten years of online bravery by French funny man and Internet superstar Remi Gaillard. Mr. Gaillard is, to put it simply, a genius of theologically advanced humor capable of inciting comedic riot.

While most socially cushioned French bastards regard an economical recession as an abnormally long paid vacation, the former soccer player used his imposed recessional freedom to craft a style of prank that catapulted him to media superstardom. How? By genuinely pissing off the law enforcement as well as his baguette chomping fellowmen.

Mr. Gaillard remains at war with the TV establishment he justly hates, considering it has mistreated him on several occasions. “Television feeds you something you do not necessarily want to watch, whereas people search for content on the Internet and choose to watch what they like,” laments the Montpellier (France) local. Indeed, the FTVS editorial team is always on the look out for more videos featuring nude Japanese women playing with octopuses and their vaginas.

Mr. Gaillard’s videos have now been watched more than five hundred million (500,000,000) times (close to the FTVS readership), establishing him as the most famous persona in the history of the Media (close to FTVS). Monetary rewards appear to be on the rise too, after several conglomerates such as the superior sweatshop shoemaker Nike, the deliciously carbonated soft drink Orangina, and the exquisitely white shaving cream Nobacter all commissioned the young man’s service for the production of a series of viral videos.

Ride the capitalist wave, dear Remi, and do not forget to tell your fellow countrymen to go fuck themselves. FTVS strongly suggests that you, dear reader, follow Remi’s lead and consider a similar form of employment for yourselves while you seek to outlast this cunt of a recession.

Dec 14 0 comments
Art, Reviews

Art Slut: Corey Helford Gallery, Culver City CA

Possessed -- Luke Chueh

Possessed -- Luke Chueh

Corey Helford is the owner and curator of the eclectic, refreshing and mostly geometrically sexual Corey Helford Gallery (CHG) in Culver City, California.

The gallery concentrates (not exclusively) on a palette of upcoming and well-established Los Angeles based artists. With uncanny skill, these bifurcating bastards of art combine death and childhood, horror and fantasy, macabre and sweetness. In sum, they provide exquisitely thought provoking pieces, while also provoking the cock and vagina. The murderous soft toys of Luke Chueh, the morbid photography of Chris Anthony, the sugary ghosts of Buff Monster, and the neo-pop imagery of COOP, among others, coexist peacefully in the tiny gallery.

The rapid turnover of exhibitions, accompanied by the finest specimen of men and women Los Angeles has to offer, establishes the gallery as a great coitalist institution worthy of a regular visit.

It is time, dear reader, to fight the bland army of over-hyped artists currently lurking in the wake of money-fiend Shepard Fairey. FTVS suggests you dive into the brightly dark and deliciously perverted Angelino art underground.

FTVS readers who invest in originals from the aforementioned maestros are guaranteed to enjoy more frequent sexual activity with guests visiting their tastefully decorated living rooms (no rophynol, only art). Simultaneously, dear reader, you will be stimulating the numbest, yet utterly most important part of our flaccid economy.

Currently on view at CHG: SHAG – Autumn’s Come Undone November 21st – December 9th 2009.

Black Balloon -- giclee on canvas panel - 72" X 54"

Oct 15 1 comments
Art, Culture, Money

Career Slut: Five (5) Golden Rules for Organizing a Music Festival with Jeff Theimer

New NoiseJeff Theimer is one of Santa Barbara’s (California, United States of America) favorite sons – he is like Jack Johnson and Robert Kennedy combined, but more famous. Mr. Theimer was once the Marketing Director at Santa Barbara’s alternative radio station KJEE. Soon after, this sensuous man dove headfirst into the belly of the sweltering beast, joining the publicity department at world famous Los Angeles KROQ Radio. However Mr. Theimer, an arbiter of decency and theology, drew fatigued of the cocaine fueled lifestyle of the Los Angeles underground, and yearned for something more connubial. He also wanted to be closer to Rob Lowe (FTVS is very close to this deeply sexualized ageless man).

For the last eighteen (18) months Mr. Theimer has focused his gumptious muscle one hundred (100) percent on his new venture as President of New Noise Media Group, which produced the first installment of the annual New Noise Santa Barbara Music Conference & Festival. In an effort to spur robust sexual healing in today’s lackluster, hermaphroditic economic climate, FTVS asked the man to share with you, dear reader, the five (5) golden rules for organizing a music festival. Sadly, Mr. Theimer fails to acknowledge the quintessential importance of Shetland ponies, watersports, and copulationally inclined groupies.

Rule #1: Expect the unexpected: No matter how well you plan, things will go wrong. Sound guys will not show up. Bands will pull out. Staff will get sick. Just learn to roll with it and expect that there will be things that for a lack of better words will be ‘faulty.’

Rule #2: Deal with the unexpected: Try to minimize the effect of your own and other peoples faultiness. Always remember: It’s just “rock n’ roll.” By that I don’t mean these things that go wrong don’t matter. I mean always remember that problems can be solved and you started the event to make sure people have fun and the artists, fans et al are as well taken care of as they can be in any given situation. Treat everyone (even when things get hairy) with respect and realize that sometimes, people suck. Your job is to smile and not take yourself too seriously.

Rule #3: Plan often, plan early and get good help: Pretty self-explanatory but try to organize and find good people who know what they are doing to help you. If you can’t pay them, make sure they get something out of the experience.

Rule #4: Take care and listen to your community and fans: Always ask yourself Is this good for the company? (credit: office space). But seriously, before you begin the process make sure that you believe what you are planning makes sense for those you hope to attract. If not, stop, drop and roll. Go back to Go. You will not get $200.00. Always believe in your product & be able to explain it in under 30 seconds to someone who probably does not care. If you don’t or can’t then stop everything. Not worth your time.

Rule #5: Use all the marketing help you can get: One of the biggest problems/hardships of a first year event is that you realize that… Wow. No one knows or cares about my great ideas! And why should they? You haven’t done anything yet! Help them see the vision – create a marketing plan even if you don’t have money. Figure out on paper who you think will care and then go after those websites, newspapers, blogs, etc by contacting them directly and offering them access to your festival or event. [Editor's note: FTVS was invited to New Noise and provided with the most exclusive VIP treatment that she is used to.] Utilize the web/social networks to the fullest. Understand that you are building a brand and not going to make a million dollars in your 1st year. It just ain’t gonna happen.

Oct 05 1 comments
Art, Culture

Culture Slut: FTVS LovEvolution 2009 Special Report


FTVS’s own Bob Albatross and Jack Colt met again in San Francisco last weekend to cover yet another grandiose display of latent homosexuality and geometric sensitivity at the LovEvolution 2009 in San Francisco. The plan was reasonably simple while not unreasonably nugatory: press registration at 11.30am at 111 Minna Street, attentively study with ethnographic precision the float procession, and proceed to the Asian Art Museum from 3pm-5pm for the media hours to interview FTVS approved DJs.

FTVS recognizes that some may consider 3pm a “reasonable time” for a media hour. However, when you do not plan on wasting your entire day while hundreds of thousands of rave trash get in touch with their inner selves at 135 beats per minute, and within proximity there is a supply of donkey dust so large it could turn the Replublican Party into a gay-loving fraternity … well, 3pm is indeed too late. Luckily, the gentle souls that organize this sweat fest provided FTVS with superabundant libation tokens to pass the time.

Due to extreme fortitude, Albatross and Colt successfully located and interviewed Adultnapper and Lee Coombs, two of today’s finest electric prodigies, and performed what will be remembered as the most groundbreaking interviews, forever. Leslie Stahl was unavailable for coverage (too busy gurning), but FTVS was there.

Albatross and Colt’s recollection of the interview and their subsequent insights are blurry at best. Though through the haze they recollect crashing a Freemason convention at the Grand Ball Room of the Fairmont Hotel later in the evening. Did FTVS succumb to the most taciturn of secret societies? One hundred (100) percent, absolutely. Details on the Masonic virtue of FTVS will be heavily reported later this week, both here and also everywhere else most likely.

Photo Editor’s Note: The gallery below is one hundred (100) percent functioning even if, for reasons beyond our technical brilliance, the thumbnails do not appear.

Photo by Jack Colt © All rights reserved.

Sep 29 1 comments
Art, Culture, Photo

Culture Slut: FTVS Exclusive Photo Coverage of the Folsom Street Fair 2009

Editors’ note: The following photographs meticulously document the proceedings of the Folsom Street Fair 2009 in San Francisco. What sets FTVS apart from the rest of the world media is its disciplined attitude towards groundbreaking and truthful coverage which, in many cases, involves the display of multifold penises. For this reason, we must warn our reader that the truth may sometimes be hard to grasp. Please ask your fellow employees and bosses if they like to peruse the reproductive organs before feasting your eyes upon this Man Booker Prize winning photograph essay.

Photo by Jack Colt © All rights reserved.

Sep 23 0 comments
Art, Culture

Art Slut: Micheal Leon Studio Dot Com

Because skull art is so 2010. Or 2007.

Micheal Leon is the brilliant man behind much of what is geometrically correct today. We encourage our readers to study his new internet site. While his name implies he may be an Italian cuntlet, FTVS fact-checkers have assured us that he is not. Indeed, the man lives in Portland (suggesting he is a recovering heroine addict), and Mr. Leon can apparently shred on a board of skate. He’s like Ed Templeton, but his art doesn’t suck dick.

FTVS is pleased to inform our readers that “Skull Wearing Sunglasses” number thirteen (13) was acquired yesterday by the team, and will sit proudly next to Anastasia Ward’s animated “Mole”.

Jul 17 0 comments
Art, Reviews, Technology

Art Slut: iPhone Finger Painting

The New Yorker’s designer-bootlicking tongue is soiled inexorably with its latest adulation. In its unyielding allegiance to all things obtrusively bourgeoisie, the magazine resolves to gentrify our purest and most organic art form – fingerpainting. Once the expression of the masses (or of those with at least one finger and something to smear something else with), fingers are now the brushes of the haute monde thanks to the iPhone’s touchscreen flatulence; mind your drool Pedro Samise, you corrupting stain!

Please, dear readers, join FTVS’s embargo of Jorge Colombo’s and Luciano Kelkebrenner’s cruel, sterile fingers. These fingerblasting, fishy infidels must be showered upon with consternation! These men are crusaders against preschooling academies, and must not be allowed within 2,500 feet of where children congregate!

Jul 17 0 comments
Art, Culture, Global Politics, Hotels, Music, Opinion

Culture Slut: The King is Dead, Long Live the King

You see, a pious litmus test for ecumenical sagacity can be found in the subtler tones of how one presents him or herself while in the public eye – it is not about minute violations of societal norms (such as murder or touching strippers). FTVS’s interminable search for decency, and, alternatively, exposure and castigation of impropriety, is by no means meant to be preferential or partisan. It is truth sought!

And what better illumination of verisimilitude can be found than this dedication to the puberant moments of Sir Michael Jackson (not to be confused with Sir Paul McCartney, also a fan of innocent and FTVS-endorsed little boy sleepovers):

The US prison industrial complex would be wise to steal some pages from the Philippines’ prison playbook. Rehabilitation, not retribution, is what fondles the soul. It is also something MJ steadily taught us in his pursuit of nubile Macauley Culkin replicas.