Category Archives: Art

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, Third (3) Edition: Mr. C

Readers, rather than letting FTVS do the talking, we will now do what Noam Chomsky should have done in 1971: we will shut the fuck up and let the Michel Foucault of electronic music say his piece.

Dearest Eezer, please share with us your most intoxicating and intoxicated story involving the sweet narcotics and the sweet babies.

Do the narcotics and the babies have to come together? When I’m on narcotics and don’t really like jelly babies or any other candies come to think of it. And now I’m trying to think of narcotics that are sweet. Hmmmmmm?

However, there’s a guy in the place with a bitter sweet face and he goes by the name of Ebeneezer Goode. You wouldn’t want him standing behind you in a sweaty dark room though.

Do you regularly consult the cabal of Lotharios on 4four for advice on a) how to sex up the finest women b) how to become a fortuitous disc jockey c) how to travel the world and get paid to make vaginas dance? FTVS has not learned this from 4four, but has learned that soggy crackers is a very popular game with the site’s regular users.

I do regularly consult those said Lotharios. It’s a bit like listening to your Mom or your wife though, you always do the opposite to what you’ve been told.

So, A) I think most of them are virgins, or just not that proud of their other halves so generally offer little in the way of any decent advice on the fairer sex. B) There are actually a few fortuitous DJs that frequent 4four, but it’s mostly full of keyboard warriors who have never munched carpet or have anchovy on their pizzas, which clearly renders any advice completely irrelevant. C) See answer B.

I’ve also heard that Soggy Crackers is popular game in the cyber world of Lotharioland, they definitely don’t play crispy biscuits and their eye sights are going awry …. Bless!

FTVS is aware that you began observing the housing market at just the time the housing market crashed. Which economist most informs your purchasing decisions? Are you a genius entrepreneur and is the Fed consulting you?

It was actually a year after the market crashed we began observing, when the market hit it’s low, don’t you just love synchronicity? The £ had momentarily jumped back up to $1.64 from $1.45 when I transferred funds across and now it’s plummeted back to $1.45, all the luck of the Devil of course. It’s the wife that informs me of my purchasing decisions (well her purchasing decisions actually) and bloody fine decisions they are too as she does indeed wear the trousers in our house (which is great as I get to wear the skirt). Yes I’m a genius, yes I’m an entrepreneur but never in the same sentence and yes I think I’m Billy Big Balls (or was that Charlie Cohones)? Do you know who I think I am? And yes I have the Fed as my personal consultants. I can get them to consult for you for way less than half price, maybe even for free, but you have to do them, well, special favors.

Tell us about your relationship with our dear friend Francis “Big Frankie” Harris. Has he told you about the whale cock? FTVS fears his production output has decreased because he now spends too much time reading our website. This is completely understandable.

You gotta love “Big Frankie”. He’s probably my best pal in the whole wide world. Verga (spanish for Whale Cock) is one (1) of my favorite words. A famous philosopher once wrote “Esta la Verga Güey”. In fact I like Vergota even more as it’s simply that much greater. Also, I think Big Franks production output has increased hasn’t it, obviously inspired by the wisdom of that fortunate yet violently loose woman … the slut!

Tell us about Los Angeles. Is it treating you as it should? Are you still seeking to become an actor? Have you had any success? FTVS is making a movie about FTVS, titled “The Greatest Generation”. Come sit on the casting couch but don’t forget your mouth guard.

I love my new home city, it’s so laid back (well laid) and everyone is so friendly (when verga munching which I’m told is a delicacy). It looks like I may have nailed a Superfreq residency in Hollywood which will be an after hours, as well as our monthly Tuesday, Super Disco Freq at Short Stop in Echo Park, will know in the next few days about the after hours so keep your fingers crossed for me.

Yes, I’m still seeking to become an actor although settling in to Los Angeles is my first priority. The only success I’ve had has been getting cast in a very cool UK movie, great supporting role too so I’m stoked about that, again more info when it’s actually happening as in the movie industry, it may simply not happen any time soon, but now the summers coming I’ll be spending more weekends in L.A (if we confirm the after hours) meaning more time in L.A in general, so it’s now time to start networking now that I’ve found my feet a little in town.

The FTVS movie, I’d love to come sit on your casting couch but the mouth guard won’t be at all necessary and I give great auditions! More tea vicar?

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Tracklisting:

  1. Dexter Wansal – Life on Mars – Philadelphia International Records
  2. Canson – Sued – City Fox Ltd
  3. Deniz Kurtel – Yeah (Jamie Jones Shower Curtain remix)- Crosstownrebels records.
  4. Andomat3000 – Beatroot – Highrade Records
  5. Pawel – Dawn – Dial Records
  6. Room 10 – Los Gritos – Metroline Ltd
  7. Semtek – Bells – Don’t Be Afraid Records
  8. Pantha Du Prince – Stick to my side (efdemin version) – Rough Trade Records
  9. DJ Jus-Ed v DJ QU – All across the floor – UQ Records
  10. Moody Man – Freaky MF – KDJ records
  11. Raza – After Death – Coloured
  12. Read Truth – Evidence – RWL records
  13. Liz Torres – I can’t get enough – State Street Records
  14. Audion – Push – Spectral Sound Records
  15. Alex O Smith – Kosmos 1402 – Omars Detroit
  16. Divine – Native love – O Records
  17. Cerone – Supernature – Malligator Records

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, Second (2) Edition: Max Cooper

At last we present you with the second installment of our countably infinite series of Essensual Mixes. This sequelized and heavily sexualized edition features the heir to Horkheimer, Max Cooper. The connection between Mr. Cooper and Fortuna is strong, if not obvious, like Michael Jackson and Macualay Culkin in the tub perhaps.

No one since the great Iannis Xenakis and the uber-sexual Deniz Kurtel has demonstrated the neuronal ingenuity necessary to span the basis of musical theology in such a linear and erogenous fashion. Recent Traum releases such as the Harmonish Serie, Stochastic Serie, and Chaotish Serie were purely deflowering if not entirely academic — in the sense that a professor has sex with his undergraduate students.

As this concoction evidences, Max is also a capable jockey of the disc; but enough of us, let Dr. Cooper himself do the descriptive:

This is a sonic representation of midgets on wheels suffering the obtrusive consequences of Goliath on heat, a coming together which can only occur with a careful oiling of musical progression. The lewd intrusion takes the audience and participants to unseen nooks and crannies of musical anatomy, as genres are split and sealed in a manner that breaks any idealistic laws of how a mix should be done.

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Tracklisting:

  1. Max Richter – Horizon Variations (FatCat)
  2. Noisa – Machine Gun – Amon Tobin Remix (Vision)
  3. Jay Shepheard – Add Arp (Retrofit)
  4. Slam – Azure – Radioslave Remix (Soma) – Max Cooper Edit
  5. Hot Chip – I Feel Better – Max Cooper Remix (TBC)
  6. Butch – Reshef – Gow Remix (Trapez Ltd)
  7. Max Cooper – Chaotisch Serie – Reset Robot Remix (Traum)
  8. Mijail & Victor Vera – Jungler – Loko Remix (Darkside Digital) – Max Cooper Edit
  9. Barem – Heyday – Ronan Portela Remix (Foundsound Records)
  10. Fabian Schumann & Black Vel – Rafael (Mangue)
  11. Dyno – Risvegli – Max Cooper Remix (Hell Yeah)
  12. Andre Kraml – Safari – James Holden Remix (Crosstown Rebels)
  13. Olivier Giacomotto – Gone Hunting (Definitive) – Max Cooper Edit
  14. Max Cooper – Ediolic Spectra (TBC)
  15. Stephan Bodzin – Vendetta (Herzblut)
  16. Max Cooper – Chaotisch Serie (Traum)
  17. King Roc – The Beginning (Process)

Music Slut: Exclusive Interview of the Year 7th Edition – Deniz Kurtel

Readers, this interview tested the extreme limits of lust and erotogenic mutuality. While our readership has come to expect nothing less than the most groundbreaking catechisms and inquests from the brilliant yet seductive FTVS staff, we surprised even ourselves with this dialogue, entering a previously unattainable arena of sexuality and theology.

The hedonic, erotic connection between FTVS and Deniz Kurtel is strong, perhaps too strong. Read on, but first be sure to lay down, for this interview will cause a rush of blood to the (phallic) head so robust you will likely faint at least three (3) times.

Let us commence.

Deniz, trusted sources indicate that you are the spawn of “mining magnates turned championship racehorse breeders”. This suggests FTVS has read about you in a Dominic Dunne article, or has seen your family caricaturised in a Bond film. Please give us five (5) sentences about your upbringing in the Anatolian Peninsula. Also, are you expected to marry an aristocrat (please note that the blood of FTVS industrialists Bob Albatross and Jack Colt is very blue)?

I lived in Turkey till I was 18, and had a very close relationship with my parents growing up.  My mom’s world consisted of making/teaching/sponsoring art, and she took me and my sister everywhere she went so we grew up in her art world.  My father was obsessed with the sea so we spent 3-4 months of every year on the boat, definitely the best times of my life.  I didn’t have so many friends and spent most of my time out of school taking all sorts of lessons, studying piano, riding horses, didn’t feel like so much fun! I’ve been to more parties with my parents as a little kid than I had with my friends growing up (which I believe I made up for afterwards) so the main style of dance music that was etched in my head during my upbringing was 80s electro and disco. Not sure if I’m expected to marry anymore, although I’m sure they’d be pretty happy if I married anyone!

Interesting, yet subtle. It is a coital refreshment to witness a woman of both fomenting intellect and sexual perspicacity grace the highest echelons of the electronic music circuit. Not since DJ Irene has the FTVS boner/brain dialectic been so rigorously stimulated. Please review this video (see below) and share with us what you feel you have yet to learn from the sensually virile DJ Irene.

I need to learn some cool dance moves.

Yes, yes you do. As you are certainly and cogently aware, one FTVS founding editor refused an impotent scholarship offer to pursue his PhD in Political Theory at a famous university on the isle of Manhattan, while the other is completing his PhD in Economics somewhere in California. The point, if one can be found, is this: is it both necessary and sufficient to have a PhD to impress you, Ms. Kurtel? In other words, if the objective is to explore your physical and metaphysical curvatures, must Bob go back to school and acquire his doctorate? Or would you settle for Jack and his sexually banal yet quantitatively astute PhD?

If the objective is to explore curvatures you might be better off exploring someone else, as I’m pretty flat physically — and metaphysically.

Both our mind and member disagree, but we must forge onward with this discussion. FTVS is quite certain, of course, that you are the Iannis Xenakis of the 21st century. How did your time at Columbia’s ISERP shape the mostly correct theology of your music?

Really funny … I’m sure there is a lot that influenced me indirectly but one direct influence I can remember is being inspired by studying mapping in set theory in a math class to map sound (first other people’s music, and then my own music) to color, using LEDs.  I’m working on implementing this on my live shows.

We digress. You will recall that the FTVS readership yearns for human interest stories from the exotic world of techno music’s most esteemed vendors. Accordingly, who is more nectarous when dealing with the sweet babies: Jamie Jones or Seth Troxler? FTVS observes that both men are in possession of inspiring hair follicles. Do you know if the carpet matches the table cloth and napkins, as we say in San Francisco?

I’ve seen Jamie more than Seth (who I’ve seen once) on the tour so far so I’ve been seeing quite a lot of sweet babies wanting to deal with Jamie (true story!). And the carpet definitely matches the table cloth, oh and napkins of course.

If your music was a statistic it would be (explain):
(a) sufficient
(b) complete
(c) complete and sufficient
(d) anscillary

I’ll leave that to your readership to decide.

What stochastic process best characterizes your personal and perhaps sexual life (explain):
(a) Brownian motion
(b) Martingales
(c) Markov process
(FYI: Jack Colt’s is characterized by Markov, a result of heavy self-dosings of rophynol, which usually prevents his ability to recall, well, anything.)

Well, I try to learn from my past but don’t let it spoil a fresh start, so a bit of both Martingales and Markov.

What is the role of gender when one is gurning on the donkey dust at 5am EST in the Marcy Hotel?

The role of gender at 5am at the Marcy is girls start really getting down, but there is no grinding because it’s all about the music.

Like most other aspiring musicians and DJs who are subjected to the blinding sunshine that is the FTVS spotlight, your life will certainly change once this interview is published. Fame, glory, theology and geometry will present themselves to you in ways previously unforeseen. Accordingly, will you commit to purchasing FTVS editors a drink at your show in San Francisco on February 26? Do you want to have a sleepover?

For sure!  I’m afraid there’s no time for a sleepover though as we head to LA right after. Maybe next time.

No, this time. Tell us about 2010 for Deniz Kurtel. Tell us about your album and your art. Tell us everything. Also, have you heard of sexting and what is your mobile phone number?

Album is almost done, it will probably be out sometime in the summer.  I’ve built my LED installation that I’m using for a few of the main shows during the RebelRave tour, which I’m working on improving as I go along.  I’m doing some of the RebelRave dates in the US till Miami WMC and in Europe till June. We’ll see what happens after that. Perhaps some cool projects with Gadi’s new label Double Standard.  Sure I’ve heard of sexting. My number is 888 382 3483. +69 if you’re dialing from San Fran.

That was the best sext you have ever had. You are welcome for this interview Deniz. You have achieved maximum coital satisfaction and your toes will continue to be numb for perhaps 24 hours. We look forward to seeing you at Mighty in San Francisco on Friday night, and will gladly join you in your bunk on the tour bus for the ride to your gig on Saturday evening in Los Angeles.

TV Slut: Megwin TchiBi

The astute reader remembers FTVS’s avant-garde coverage of the bizarre yet sublime art of inflating various organs of the body with saline injections. The same reader remembers our constantly renewed admiration for all things Nippon, particularly when it involves vaginal play with serpentine sea creatures.

Will the Nipponese ever cease to dazzle our pale-colored round-eyes? Will this great nation ever fail to erect our stereotypically yet comparatively larger reproductive accoutrement? FTVS does not know. What FTVS does know, readers, is MegwinTV may well be what Johnny Knoxville could have accomplished had he properly harnessed Spike Jonze‘s geometric ontology.

In the spirit of professionalism, FTVS lets the MegwinTV website do the talking:

“We, Samurai, are making original comedy movies in Japan!! We’re pleasure that people over the world enjoy our movies!! Come to our web site!!”

And come, dear reader. Come.

Career Slut: Remi Gaillard, Internet Superstar

Remi, eating little white balls.

FTVS salutes ten years of online bravery by French funny man and Internet superstar Remi Gaillard. Mr. Gaillard is, to put it simply, a genius of theologically advanced humor capable of inciting comedic riot.

While most socially cushioned French bastards regard an economical recession as an abnormally long paid vacation, the former soccer player used his imposed recessional freedom to craft a style of prank that catapulted him to media superstardom. How? By genuinely pissing off the law enforcement as well as his baguette chomping fellowmen.

Mr. Gaillard remains at war with the TV establishment he justly hates, considering it has mistreated him on several occasions. “Television feeds you something you do not necessarily want to watch, whereas people search for content on the Internet and choose to watch what they like,” laments the Montpellier (France) local. Indeed, the FTVS editorial team is always on the look out for more videos featuring nude Japanese women playing with octopuses and their vaginas.

Mr. Gaillard’s videos have now been watched more than five hundred million (500,000,000) times (close to the FTVS readership), establishing him as the most famous persona in the history of the Media (close to FTVS). Monetary rewards appear to be on the rise too, after several conglomerates such as the superior sweatshop shoemaker Nike, the deliciously carbonated soft drink Orangina, and the exquisitely white shaving cream Nobacter all commissioned the young man’s service for the production of a series of viral videos.

Ride the capitalist wave, dear Remi, and do not forget to tell your fellow countrymen to go fuck themselves. FTVS strongly suggests that you, dear reader, follow Remi’s lead and consider a similar form of employment for yourselves while you seek to outlast this cunt of a recession.

Art Slut: Corey Helford Gallery, Culver City CA

Possessed -- Luke Chueh

Possessed -- Luke Chueh

Corey Helford is the owner and curator of the eclectic, refreshing and mostly geometrically sexual Corey Helford Gallery (CHG) in Culver City, California.

The gallery concentrates (not exclusively) on a palette of upcoming and well-established Los Angeles based artists. With uncanny skill, these bifurcating bastards of art combine death and childhood, horror and fantasy, macabre and sweetness. In sum, they provide exquisitely thought provoking pieces, while also provoking the cock and vagina. The murderous soft toys of Luke Chueh, the morbid photography of Chris Anthony, the sugary ghosts of Buff Monster, and the neo-pop imagery of COOP, among others, coexist peacefully in the tiny gallery.

The rapid turnover of exhibitions, accompanied by the finest specimen of men and women Los Angeles has to offer, establishes the gallery as a great coitalist institution worthy of a regular visit.

It is time, dear reader, to fight the bland army of over-hyped artists currently lurking in the wake of money-fiend Shepard Fairey. FTVS suggests you dive into the brightly dark and deliciously perverted Angelino art underground.

FTVS readers who invest in originals from the aforementioned maestros are guaranteed to enjoy more frequent sexual activity with guests visiting their tastefully decorated living rooms (no rophynol, only art). Simultaneously, dear reader, you will be stimulating the numbest, yet utterly most important part of our flaccid economy.

Currently on view at CHG: SHAG – Autumn’s Come Undone November 21st – December 9th 2009.

Black Balloon -- giclee on canvas panel - 72" X 54"

Career Slut: Five (5) Golden Rules for Organizing a Music Festival with Jeff Theimer

New NoiseJeff Theimer is one of Santa Barbara’s (California, United States of America) favorite sons – he is like Jack Johnson and Robert Kennedy combined, but more famous. Mr. Theimer was once the Marketing Director at Santa Barbara’s alternative radio station KJEE. Soon after, this sensuous man dove headfirst into the belly of the sweltering beast, joining the publicity department at world famous Los Angeles KROQ Radio. However Mr. Theimer, an arbiter of decency and theology, drew fatigued of the cocaine fueled lifestyle of the Los Angeles underground, and yearned for something more connubial. He also wanted to be closer to Rob Lowe (FTVS is very close to this deeply sexualized ageless man).

For the last eighteen (18) months Mr. Theimer has focused his gumptious muscle one hundred (100) percent on his new venture as President of New Noise Media Group, which produced the first installment of the annual New Noise Santa Barbara Music Conference & Festival. In an effort to spur robust sexual healing in today’s lackluster, hermaphroditic economic climate, FTVS asked the man to share with you, dear reader, the five (5) golden rules for organizing a music festival. Sadly, Mr. Theimer fails to acknowledge the quintessential importance of Shetland ponies, watersports, and copulationally inclined groupies.

Rule #1: Expect the unexpected: No matter how well you plan, things will go wrong. Sound guys will not show up. Bands will pull out. Staff will get sick. Just learn to roll with it and expect that there will be things that for a lack of better words will be ‘faulty.’

Rule #2: Deal with the unexpected: Try to minimize the effect of your own and other peoples faultiness. Always remember: It’s just “rock n’ roll.” By that I don’t mean these things that go wrong don’t matter. I mean always remember that problems can be solved and you started the event to make sure people have fun and the artists, fans et al are as well taken care of as they can be in any given situation. Treat everyone (even when things get hairy) with respect and realize that sometimes, people suck. Your job is to smile and not take yourself too seriously.

Rule #3: Plan often, plan early and get good help: Pretty self-explanatory but try to organize and find good people who know what they are doing to help you. If you can’t pay them, make sure they get something out of the experience.

Rule #4: Take care and listen to your community and fans: Always ask yourself Is this good for the company? (credit: office space). But seriously, before you begin the process make sure that you believe what you are planning makes sense for those you hope to attract. If not, stop, drop and roll. Go back to Go. You will not get $200.00. Always believe in your product & be able to explain it in under 30 seconds to someone who probably does not care. If you don’t or can’t then stop everything. Not worth your time.

Rule #5: Use all the marketing help you can get: One of the biggest problems/hardships of a first year event is that you realize that… Wow. No one knows or cares about my great ideas! And why should they? You haven’t done anything yet! Help them see the vision – create a marketing plan even if you don’t have money. Figure out on paper who you think will care and then go after those websites, newspapers, blogs, etc by contacting them directly and offering them access to your festival or event. [Editor’s note: FTVS was invited to New Noise and provided with the most exclusive VIP treatment that she is used to.] Utilize the web/social networks to the fullest. Understand that you are building a brand and not going to make a million dollars in your 1st year. It just ain’t gonna happen.

Culture Slut: FTVS LovEvolution 2009 Special Report


FTVS’s own Bob Albatross and Jack Colt met again in San Francisco last weekend to cover yet another grandiose display of latent homosexuality and geometric sensitivity at the LovEvolution 2009 in San Francisco. The plan was reasonably simple while not unreasonably nugatory: press registration at 11.30am at 111 Minna Street, attentively study with ethnographic precision the float procession, and proceed to the Asian Art Museum from 3pm-5pm for the media hours to interview FTVS approved DJs.

FTVS recognizes that some may consider 3pm a “reasonable time” for a media hour. However, when you do not plan on wasting your entire day while hundreds of thousands of rave trash get in touch with their inner selves at 135 beats per minute, and within proximity there is a supply of donkey dust so large it could turn the Replublican Party into a gay-loving fraternity … well, 3pm is indeed too late. Luckily, the gentle souls that organize this sweat fest provided FTVS with superabundant libation tokens to pass the time.

Due to extreme fortitude, Albatross and Colt successfully located and interviewed Adultnapper and Lee Coombs, two of today’s finest electric prodigies, and performed what will be remembered as the most groundbreaking interviews, forever. Leslie Stahl was unavailable for coverage (too busy gurning), but FTVS was there.

Albatross and Colt’s recollection of the interview and their subsequent insights are blurry at best. Though through the haze they recollect crashing a Freemason convention at the Grand Ball Room of the Fairmont Hotel later in the evening. Did FTVS succumb to the most taciturn of secret societies? One hundred (100) percent, absolutely. Details on the Masonic virtue of FTVS will be heavily reported later this week, both here and also everywhere else most likely.

Photo Editor’s Note: The gallery below is one hundred (100) percent functioning even if, for reasons beyond our technical brilliance, the thumbnails do not appear.

Photo by Jack Colt © All rights reserved.

Culture Slut: FTVS Exclusive Photo Coverage of the Folsom Street Fair 2009

Editors’ note: The following photographs meticulously document the proceedings of the Folsom Street Fair 2009 in San Francisco. What sets FTVS apart from the rest of the world media is its disciplined attitude towards groundbreaking and truthful coverage which, in many cases, involves the display of multifold penises. For this reason, we must warn our reader that the truth may sometimes be hard to grasp. Please ask your fellow employees and bosses if they like to peruse the reproductive organs before feasting your eyes upon this Man Booker Prize winning photograph essay.

Photo by Jack Colt © All rights reserved.

Art Slut: iPhone Finger Painting

The New Yorker’s designer-bootlicking tongue is soiled inexorably with its latest adulation. In its unyielding allegiance to all things obtrusively bourgeoisie, the magazine resolves to gentrify our purest and most organic art form – fingerpainting. Once the expression of the masses (or of those with at least one finger and something to smear something else with), fingers are now the brushes of the haute monde thanks to the iPhone’s touchscreen flatulence; mind your drool Pedro Samise, you corrupting stain!

Please, dear readers, join FTVS’s embargo of Jorge Colombo’s and Luciano Kelkebrenner’s cruel, sterile fingers. These fingerblasting, fishy infidels must be showered upon with consternation! These men are crusaders against preschooling academies, and must not be allowed within 2,500 feet of where children congregate!