Readers, this story has gripped the nation more robustly than a waffle-waitress gripping Tiger Woods’ testicles. Belatedly, we offer you a conclusion.
After many submissions, FTVS has finally selected the winner of its Career Slut Competition. An infinite number of gifted Asians applied, however this is not an arithmetic contest. Submissions arrived from luminaries and degenerates alike, of course, because the FTVS readership is often dynamic and sporadically retarded.
That heathen Arab Salman Rushdie submitted a post-structural piece titled “Virgin Lips: Vagina Nectar in Beirut in the 1990s”, but insisted that he be able to join FTVS on sheer credential alone. Luckily, one FTVS editor had previously read one of Mr. Rushdie’s works, and understood that the man is dyslexically incomprehensible, if not completely illiterate. He was denied.
Predictably, rather than sucking fame’s cock by hiring Salman, FTVS instead selected Jacques-Yves Perichon, a French son of a gun monger, whose pen can bring even the most battle-hardened men to their knees, and whose meager flesh sword has brought even the most innocent of girls to tears of laughter.
FTVS editors were so moved by Jacques-Yves’ groundbreaking submission that he has been given the mantle of FTVS Advice Giver In Chief. Rather than penning editorial commentary, Jacques-Yves will be answering readers’ questions on everything from baseball to bum sex, toenails to whore sales.
His columns will appear as frequently as he is able to write them, which will undoubtedly be infrequently, due to the fact that he spends most of his luxurious time either drinking or vomiting wine, and soliciting cheap handjobs in Carlsbad (a town known to favor expat Frenchmen with an affinity for tanned and pickled housewives).
Jacques-Yves’ first column will appear in a matter of days, and we implore the FTVS readership to submit their advice-seeking questions to Jacques-Yves by emailing them to post [at] fortunathatviciousslut [dot] org.
Welcome to the family Jacques-Yves, may your journey be carnal and flawless.