FTVS, a condom protecting you from the recession STD.

Readers, this story has gripped the nation more robustly than a waffle-waitress gripping Tiger Woods’ testicles. Belatedly, we offer you a conclusion.

After many submissions, FTVS has finally selected the winner of its Career Slut Competition. An infinite number of gifted Asians applied, however this is not an arithmetic contest. Submissions arrived from luminaries and degenerates alike, of course, because the FTVS readership is often dynamic and sporadically retarded.

That heathen Arab Salman Rushdie submitted a post-structural piece titled “Virgin Lips: Vagina Nectar in Beirut in the 1990s”, but insisted that he be able to join FTVS on sheer credential alone. Luckily, one FTVS editor had previously read one of Mr. Rushdie’s works, and understood that the man is dyslexically incomprehensible, if not completely illiterate. He was denied.

Predictably, rather than sucking fame’s cock by hiring Salman, FTVS instead selected Jacques-Yves Perichon, a French son of a gun monger, whose pen can bring even the most battle-hardened men to their knees, and whose meager flesh sword has brought even the most innocent of girls to tears of laughter.

FTVS editors were so moved by Jacques-Yves’ groundbreaking submission that he has been given the mantle of FTVS Advice Giver In Chief. Rather than penning editorial commentary, Jacques-Yves will be answering readers’ questions on everything from baseball to bum sex, toenails to whore sales.

His columns will appear as frequently as he is able to write them, which will undoubtedly be infrequently, due to the fact that he spends most of his luxurious time either drinking or vomiting wine, and soliciting cheap handjobs in Carlsbad (a town known to favor expat Frenchmen with an affinity for tanned and pickled housewives).

Jacques-Yves’ first column will appear in a matter of days, and we implore the FTVS readership to submit their advice-seeking questions to Jacques-Yves by emailing them to post [at] fortunathatviciousslut [dot] org.

Welcome to the family Jacques-Yves, may your journey be carnal and flawless.

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In those distant yet sexual days, Josephine Goldstein was ruling the FTVS Editorial room with an iron vagina and a cast iron breast set. Bob and Jack (current FTVS Editors in Chief), still then infant, learned much from Josephine, such as how to appropriately engage in fornication with a geriatric woman.

On May the 5th 1985, Miss Goldstein left work and never returned. Reasonably founded rumors rapidly circulated on a possible accident of carnal nature involving the midget from Willow.

Consequently, it was a shock to the mind and phallus to find a very aged yet adroit Miss Goldstein on the Youtube TV network last night. Josephine, if you read this: we are not upset, and your ass is just as we remember it.

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Doing our part to stimulate and of course masturbate your economy.

The essence of this post is about something of premium merit, something of seraphic importance somehow at par with a spacetime singularity: FTVS is hiring.

It is widely known that FTVS co-founder Kip Penn retired permanently six months ago to the wilderness of Indonesia to satiate his insatiable thirst for nubile yet gynandrous intersexuals. On November 9 2009, all communications from Penn ceased while he was believed to be on the island of Sumbawa (East Indonesia).

With great optimism, FTVS has little choice but to assume he is now inert.

Accordingly, FTVS is pursuing an American Idol of its own, and will select one serendipitous soul to join the greatest publication in the history of the alphabet.

Benefits? Of course let us tell you: sexual carnality, women, men, sex, hermaphroditic agility, guest list, bath toys, Costco vodka, fame, glamor, hooker allowance, prestige, and last but certainly with most importance: an opportunity to write history along legends and FTVS founders Bob Albatross and Jack Colt.

To try out, please submit a +/- three hundred (300) word writing sample, and be certain to masturbate your multimedia resourcefulness in your submission — indeed, the astute FTVS readership knows that much of the groundbreaking adroitness in each and every post comes from the carefully crafted sequence of red hyperlinks.

The triumphant individual, also known as the newest member of FTVS, will be given full Fortuna Accreditation, and will receive a weekly stipend of one hundred (100) dollars, with the expectation that said individual will write one (1) to three (3) articles per week.

Yes, that’s four hundred (400) dollars per month, to write four (4) to twelve (12) articles per month.

Of course, all applicants must also fellate FTVS staff to ensure their health is marathonic enough to partake in such a testing workplace.

To summarize:

- approximately four hundred (400) dollars per month is the salary

- approximately four (4) to twelve (12) articles per month is the expectation

- approximately one (1) sample article must be submitted to FTVS by December 1, 2009

Let the games begin. All submissions should be sent to post [at] fortunathatviciousslut [dot] org.

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