Category Archives: Culture

Culture Slut: Louis CK Explains the Catholic Church

Readers, we who are not Catholic have misunderstood the Church for too long. While FTVS Founding Editor Jack Colt may have been raised under Catholicism’s gentle, tender umbrella — spending his youth polishing the proverbial calysses — the Church’s eschatology (scatology?) has always left us discomposed. Perhaps a symptom of our plebeian, vile sensibilities.

It is time, dear reader, to clarify the opaque, and lay bare the obstructed. We let FTVS Senior Religion Correspondent Louis CK explain:

Culture Slut: Iranian Government Denies Holocaust, Conducts Its Own

Earlier today, the FTVS bureau was forwarded distressing images of men in uniform partaking in what can only be described as the worst crime against humanity since the creation of FTVS. In this world of complete theological disarray, Iran demonstrated that infamy knows no bounds, by ordering the systematic and hermeneutic destruction of millions of bottles of imported libations. Yes, dear readers, cases of Absolut Vodka (Orange flavored, we would be remiss not to add) were crushed with extreme prejudice, like Sarah Palin’s vagina at an interracial gang-bang.

FTVS has no choice but to declare war against the Iranian government, and is currently negotiating with General Stanley McChrystal, an FTVS angel investor, on the most appropriate punishment. There is of course the atomic bomb, but the Iranian culprits shall be given much worse: FTVS will oversee the logistics of parachuting one hundred thousand (100,000) crates of David Guetta’s Just a Little More Love across this unholy nation.

Yes, dear reader when the going gets tough, the tough get tougher. FTVS has also contacted Oscar-winning director Steven Spielberg to write, direct, and produce a trilogy of films documenting the alcoholic genocide for future generations to remember that humans, much like over-sized rectal eels, on occasion go too far.

Culture Slut: Tits Cause Quakes, FTVS Leaves for Haiti

Stop the shaking.

Readers, is it any surprise that a Persian scientist/religious hero has made the greatest scientific discovery since the Nipponese invented the LaserDisc? Of course, not.

A high-ranking Iranian cleric recently identified that it is in fact the exposure of the women’s tittays, vagizzles, and badonk-a-cheeks that causes earthquakes.

That is correct: those of you, dear readers, who enjoy parading in the Dar al-Harb whilst dressed like sluts (Fortuna) cause the tectonic plates to shift and rupture, not unlike how Jack Colt’s prostate shifts and ruptures at the sight of RuPaul.

In a masterful display of religious theology, the cleric, Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, brilliantly catechized that:

Many women who do not dress modestly … lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes.

Hearing of this news, FTVS caught the first plane to Port-Au-Prince. Oh yes, FTVS is rarely where the action is not. Clearly, the heathens are in Haiti, and FTVS loves itself some big-breasted heathens.

TV Slut: Megwin TchiBi

The astute reader remembers FTVS’s avant-garde coverage of the bizarre yet sublime art of inflating various organs of the body with saline injections. The same reader remembers our constantly renewed admiration for all things Nippon, particularly when it involves vaginal play with serpentine sea creatures.

Will the Nipponese ever cease to dazzle our pale-colored round-eyes? Will this great nation ever fail to erect our stereotypically yet comparatively larger reproductive accoutrement? FTVS does not know. What FTVS does know, readers, is MegwinTV may well be what Johnny Knoxville could have accomplished had he properly harnessed Spike Jonze‘s geometric ontology.

In the spirit of professionalism, FTVS lets the MegwinTV website do the talking:

“We, Samurai, are making original comedy movies in Japan!! We’re pleasure that people over the world enjoy our movies!! Come to our web site!!”

And come, dear reader. Come.

Culture Slut: Vagazzling is The New Ear Piercing

Disco smells funny

Glorious readership, a bedazzling revolution is upon us. Vagazzling! The trend that’s causing the nether regions of celebrities to twinkle like the starry snatches they are will  certainly illuminate non-celebrity naughty bits in time. Like Reaganomics, FTVS applies gravity’s logic to cultures of genital adornment. And so, we are certain that vagazzling — the art of dressing up your nectar hole with rhinestones and cheap crystals — will soon percolate down to the less fortunate.

With absolute precision, FTVS predicts that within a decade vagazzling will become as banal as ear-piercings and as comfortable as Juicy Couture sweatsuits. Oh god yes; a girl’s prom preparation will include picking out a prom dress, and scheduling appointments with the manicurist, hair stylist, and the certified vagazzlist. Condoms will be made to withstand the friction of Swarovski-crystalled (vagazzled) vaginas. Vagazzling artists will show their art at vagazzling conventions. See minute 2:40 of the clip below to taste the rainbow, and the brilliantly vagazzled future.


The following conversation between a father and his 13-year-old daughter will certainly occur in the not-so-distant future:

Daddy, can I get vagazzled?

No.

Why not? I’m almost 14!

When I was your age, girls wanted to get their ears pierced. I’ll let you get your ears pierced.

What? do I look like mom to you? I wanna get vagazzled!!!!

Dear readers, the not-so-distant future will be glorious!

TV Slut: The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret [Download]

FTVS’s ongoing search for an additional staff writer is proving to be an exhausting and testing experience, increasing the already sky high level of stress among us. We need, dear reader, a break.

Quality entertainment delivered rapidly is of quintessential importance for the cosmopolitan FTVS leadership, and until now, mouth sex, masturbation, poppers, and Shetland ponies were obvious candidates. FTVS can now add another option to its rigorous list: The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret, written by American bald ambassador David Cross, co-starring Canadian “I’m gonna live forever” actor Will Arnett and VBS.tv art director Spike Jonze.

The United Kingdom, being the humorless country it is, will not allow the non-UK FTVS readership to stream the pilot episode from Channel 4‘s website. However, unlike the Huffington Post, FTVS of course gives you a possibly illegal download link for the pilot. The bit torrent download was tested by the FTVS IT team, and is one hundred (100) percent working.

http://tinyurl.com/yz8brzf

Culture Slut: Sushi (??) and Ice and Everything Nice

The FTVS (???????) constituency is well-acquainted with everything sensible and geometrically discriminating. Perhaps this explains the surging popularity of Jack Colt (????????) in the Nipponese Archipelago.

During a recent business trip to Japan (??) — to meet with FTVS angel-investor Masaru Ibuka (???) of course — Mr. Colt found himself splayed on his hotel bed at 5am after schooling the Japanese electorate with his carnal, sexualized knowledge of the karaoke (????).

Regrettably lonely, Mr. Colt immediately demanded that dearest Masaru dispatch at least two (2) highly sexed mizu shobai (???) to his room at the Four (4) Seasons Hotel. When that blathering slut of a man Masaru failed to oblige, Jack had no other choice but to flag the FTVS limousine to the Honky Tonk Ladies, the only establishment in Kabukichou (????) offering the theologically correct, and FTVS approved, orgiastic mix of decadence and post McCarthyesque euphoria. Mr. Colt confirms that the maguro (???) was, as always, splendid.

The inspirational stimulation displayed below herein proves that the Nipponjins (???) have not only mastered the production of fine electronic goods such as DVD players and digital cameras, but also the long lost art of cultural and biological inbreeding.

Music Slut: Dreamwave and Yacht Funk, Thank You L.A.

FTVS believed it had located the most discerning weblog in the universe of electronic music (renowned for its remarkably exclusive interviews), but apparently this jewel of netspace has some competition from Binary.

The following excerpt, discussing sonic tapestries by the likes of Sebastien Tellier and Lifelike, left the FTVS editorial staff feeling entirely inadequate:

I like to think that all of this stuff falls under the umbrella of “dreamwave”…simply because there are sooo many different musical elements that can make a song unique enough to classify it in a new way, and that’s why we have sooo many different genre names in music in general, but especially in dance music. Dreamwave was created to classify stuff that was more fitting as the embodiment of an idea rather than a style of music. It’s more about the approach taken towards the music. It’s about the spirit that is captured in that song. It’s about embracing melody and song and it’s about experimentation in electronic sonic beautification. So yeah, it’s nice to see everything evolve. And it’s nice to see these ideals spread to music that is drawing its influence from other places.

Jesus Lee Fucking Harvey Oswald Christ. Consecrate! Dreamwave! Electronic music has hereby been baptized.

Dreamwave: the embodiment of an idea.

It is tempting to examine and massage each individual sentence in the paragraph displayed above, but FTVS does not accede to seduction easily. Nonetheless, it is of supreme importance to note that one locution in particular — “It’s about embracing melody and song and it’s about experimentation in electronic beautification” — is irrevocably the most graceful sonnet to ever be keyed with a qwerty peripheral. Yates, Keats and Frost are most certainly stimulating their formaldehyde-imbibed phalluses from their graves to this penetrating eloquence.

Rest assured FTVS has dispersed an urgent message to good friend Laurent Heinrich, also known as Lifelike, to get his perspective on this superior classification (please note that a strong sense of inclusion and belonging is aroused from acknowledging DJs by their given names). A creeping hunch suggests that dearest Laurent H. will joyously laugh and then vomit with benediction — an understandable reaction.

Censorship has never been so unnecessary! These unstoppable virtuosos also coined the long overdue term Yacht Funk for an entirely separate genre. Stacey Pullen, Jeff Mills, S Club 7 and Carl Craig may all lay their heads to rest knowing these melodic sects have been given their own parlance.

There must be something, dear reader, in the Los Angelean water, something subtle and quite frankly intangible, which allows for such journalistic mastery.

Career Slut: Five (5) Golden Rules for Organizing a Music Festival with Jeff Theimer

New NoiseJeff Theimer is one of Santa Barbara’s (California, United States of America) favorite sons – he is like Jack Johnson and Robert Kennedy combined, but more famous. Mr. Theimer was once the Marketing Director at Santa Barbara’s alternative radio station KJEE. Soon after, this sensuous man dove headfirst into the belly of the sweltering beast, joining the publicity department at world famous Los Angeles KROQ Radio. However Mr. Theimer, an arbiter of decency and theology, drew fatigued of the cocaine fueled lifestyle of the Los Angeles underground, and yearned for something more connubial. He also wanted to be closer to Rob Lowe (FTVS is very close to this deeply sexualized ageless man).

For the last eighteen (18) months Mr. Theimer has focused his gumptious muscle one hundred (100) percent on his new venture as President of New Noise Media Group, which produced the first installment of the annual New Noise Santa Barbara Music Conference & Festival. In an effort to spur robust sexual healing in today’s lackluster, hermaphroditic economic climate, FTVS asked the man to share with you, dear reader, the five (5) golden rules for organizing a music festival. Sadly, Mr. Theimer fails to acknowledge the quintessential importance of Shetland ponies, watersports, and copulationally inclined groupies.

Rule #1: Expect the unexpected: No matter how well you plan, things will go wrong. Sound guys will not show up. Bands will pull out. Staff will get sick. Just learn to roll with it and expect that there will be things that for a lack of better words will be ‘faulty.’

Rule #2: Deal with the unexpected: Try to minimize the effect of your own and other peoples faultiness. Always remember: It’s just “rock n’ roll.” By that I don’t mean these things that go wrong don’t matter. I mean always remember that problems can be solved and you started the event to make sure people have fun and the artists, fans et al are as well taken care of as they can be in any given situation. Treat everyone (even when things get hairy) with respect and realize that sometimes, people suck. Your job is to smile and not take yourself too seriously.

Rule #3: Plan often, plan early and get good help: Pretty self-explanatory but try to organize and find good people who know what they are doing to help you. If you can’t pay them, make sure they get something out of the experience.

Rule #4: Take care and listen to your community and fans: Always ask yourself Is this good for the company? (credit: office space). But seriously, before you begin the process make sure that you believe what you are planning makes sense for those you hope to attract. If not, stop, drop and roll. Go back to Go. You will not get $200.00. Always believe in your product & be able to explain it in under 30 seconds to someone who probably does not care. If you don’t or can’t then stop everything. Not worth your time.

Rule #5: Use all the marketing help you can get: One of the biggest problems/hardships of a first year event is that you realize that… Wow. No one knows or cares about my great ideas! And why should they? You haven’t done anything yet! Help them see the vision – create a marketing plan even if you don’t have money. Figure out on paper who you think will care and then go after those websites, newspapers, blogs, etc by contacting them directly and offering them access to your festival or event. [Editor’s note: FTVS was invited to New Noise and provided with the most exclusive VIP treatment that she is used to.] Utilize the web/social networks to the fullest. Understand that you are building a brand and not going to make a million dollars in your 1st year. It just ain’t gonna happen.

Culture Slut: Wiggers, Uighurs, and Everything In Between

h_d01_uyghur_men

A gang of Wiggers listening to the new Keak Da Sneak EP.

Confused by the semblance of the Wiggers and the Uighurs? Let FTVS explain.

The Wigger people are a thickly persecuted Turkic ethnic group sparsely habituating Western China. The Wiggers are to the People’s Republic of China (PRC) what the Palestinians are to Israel. Superlatively surveilled by that mongoloid President of theirs, Mr. Hu Jintao, and constantly strangulated by Mao’s visible hand, these denigrated Silk Roadies do all they can to keep it good in this bad world.

The Wiggers reside almost exclusively in the Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region of Western China. This effervescent tribe has been anomalously prominent (by anomalously prominent FTVS means maybe mentioned in passing once or twice) on the 24 hour news networks as of late. Why? FTVS wondered too.

The media first came knocking when insurgents organized yet another unsuccessful rebellion against the Sinese machine that has sought to oppress the Wigger movement for so long. More recently, our dearest Centrally Asian friends received attention when several Wiggers were holidaying at Guantanamo Bay (though these punctilious gentlemen have since been relocated to Bermuda, a place very similar to Turkmenistan).

A gang of Uighurs. Likely defying the Chinese government.

A gang of Uighurs defying the Chinese government.

The Uighurs are a different ethnic group, mostly from North America, and are not to be confused with the Wiggers — we beg you, dear reader, to overcome your phonetic prejudice for the rest of this article (yes, Uighur and Wigger are uncannily similar in pronunciation, like vagina and vajina).

The Uighur people are an ethnically Caucasian yet aspirationally Negro minority group largely found in the United States of America, Canada and sometimes even Europe. They are the Quebecois of the Zhongguo: reprobated by their racial archetypes, and derided by the more robustly, phallusly endowed people whom they seek to emulate. You are surely familiar with the most well-known Uighurs: Eminem, K-Fed, Scott Storch, et cetera.

Thus, strong similarities exist between these two groups, beyond phonetic semblance of course. Additionally, the political marginalization of each group is largely analogous and thus reinforces the mundane confusion that is rampant in the uneducated circle of today’s youth. FTVS, one more time, takes it on herself to clarify the obscured with its clairvoyance.

The Wiggers and the Uighers, FTVS declares, must unite to confront the societal vicissitude that encumbers them both. Only then will this hermaphrodite of a world reconcile the reproductive parts of its whole.