FORTUNA, THAT VICIOUS SLUT » Money

PSA Slut: FTVS goes Pay-Per-View

Jack Colt — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 22:38:09 +0000

Dear reader, since the year two thousand and nine (2009), your life and loins have swelled freely with the most geometrically economical content on the internets. No longer! The time has come for FTVS to follow her intellectually inferior cousin, the Wall Street Journal, and capitalize on her entrepreneurial and coital talent.

Starting today, the FTVS team is pleased to offer you the right to orgasm off of forthcoming FTVS content for only $18.99 (+ taxes) per month. FTVS is, in essence, the new Rupert Murdoch, but younger and with longer lasting erections and a smaller prostate.

Economics Slut: Raj Rajaratnam Declares, “Tase the Fucking Midget!”, Saves Capitalism

Bob Albatross — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 06:32:14 +0000

Free RajRaj! Tasers + Midgets = Liberty!

Readers, in this age of indecency and acutely sodomizing atheism, it is supremely important that we continue to acknowledge life’s finer offerings, such as midgets and Tasers.

None have grasped this maxim of dwarfs and electronic current weaponry with more agility than the corpulent and habitually jolly Indian capitalist, Raj Rajaratnam.

RajRaj rightly acknowledged the air of moral fatigue and theological malfeasance that has plagued our stained society as of late, and took it upon himself to rectify this dire cultural incorrection. How did he do it? By bringing midgets and Tasers into his workplace, a hedge fund, of course.

The man, however, is being threatened by the very society he has spent his life seeking to help, and is currently fighting slanderous insider trading charges waged against him by the Stalinist SEC.

In addition to being a beacon of capitalist benevolence by sharing trading tips with close friends and closer enemies, RajRaj also hired a midget to entertain his staff, and encouraged with a five thousand (5000) dollar bonus a female employee to have her nipples erected by a Taser. Sadly, it is his first move that aroused the usually flaccid member of the SEC.

RajRaj is a man of the people. Indeed, the hedge fund manager, and currently number two hundred and seventy fourth (274) wealthiest man in the American States, donated well over twenty (20) million dollars to charitable organizations over the past five (5) years, in particular toward clearing land mines in former conflict zones of Sri Lanka (East Indies) — such generosities surely bestow upon a man the right to get his Tase on and/or dabble in the hiring of vertically challenged bipedal humanoids.

FTVS is outraged to have such an extraordinary fellow charged for a mere one (1) million dollar windfall following the failed merger between Sun Microsystems and IBM. God damn it reader, does the SEC not realize THIS IS the type of corporate leader America is presently begging for? And was the eighty seven thousand (87,000) dollars donated to the Obama Hussein Barack campaign not supposed to insure him against this sort of mistreatment?

Accordingly, FTVS has dispatched a generous and sexual offer to RajRaj, seeking to solicit his services to head-up the newly anointed FTVS Financial Services Division. More information to follow.

Career Slut: Five (5) Golden Rules for Organizing a Music Festival with Jeff Theimer

Jack Colt — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 20:43:46 +0000

Jeff Theimer is one of Santa Barbara’s (California, United States of America) favorite sons – he is like Jack Johnson and Robert Kennedy combined, but more famous. Mr. Theimer was once the Marketing Director at Santa Barbara’s alternative radio station KJEE. Soon after, this sensuous man dove headfirst into the belly of the sweltering beast, joining the publicity department at world famous Los Angeles KROQ Radio. However Mr. Theimer, an arbiter of decency and theology, drew fatigued of the cocaine fueled lifestyle of the Los Angeles underground, and yearned for something more connubial. He also wanted to be closer to Rob Lowe (FTVS is very close to this deeply sexualized ageless man).

For the last eighteen (18) months Mr. Theimer has focused his gumptious muscle one hundred (100) percent on his new venture as President of New Noise Media Group, which produced the first installment of the annual New Noise Santa Barbara Music Conference & Festival. In an effort to spur robust sexual healing in today’s lackluster, hermaphroditic economic climate, FTVS asked the man to share with you, dear reader, the five (5) golden rules for organizing a music festival. Sadly, Mr. Theimer fails to acknowledge the quintessential importance of Shetland ponies, watersports, and copulationally inclined groupies.

Rule #1: Expect the unexpected: No matter how well you plan, things will go wrong. Sound guys will not show up. Bands will pull out. Staff will get sick. Just learn to roll with it and expect that there will be things that for a lack of better words will be ‘faulty.’

Rule #2: Deal with the unexpected: Try to minimize the effect of your own and other peoples faultiness. Always remember: It’s just “rock n’ roll.” By that I don’t mean these things that go wrong don’t matter. I mean always remember that problems can be solved and you started the event to make sure people have fun and the artists, fans et al are as well taken care of as they can be in any given situation. Treat everyone (even when things get hairy) with respect and realize that sometimes, people suck. Your job is to smile and not take yourself too seriously.

Rule #3: Plan often, plan early and get good help: Pretty self-explanatory but try to organize and find good people who know what they are doing to help you. If you can’t pay them, make sure they get something out of the experience.

Rule #4: Take care and listen to your community and fans: Always ask yourself Is this good for the company? (credit: office space). But seriously, before you begin the process make sure that you believe what you are planning makes sense for those you hope to attract. If not, stop, drop and roll. Go back to Go. You will not get $200.00. Always believe in your product & be able to explain it in under 30 seconds to someone who probably does not care. If you don’t or can’t then stop everything. Not worth your time.

Rule #5: Use all the marketing help you can get: One of the biggest problems/hardships of a first year event is that you realize that… Wow. No one knows or cares about my great ideas! And why should they? You haven’t done anything yet! Help them see the vision – create a marketing plan even if you don’t have money. Figure out on paper who you think will care and then go after those websites, newspapers, blogs, etc by contacting them directly and offering them access to your festival or event. [Editor's note: FTVS was invited to New Noise and provided with the most exclusive VIP treatment that she is used to.] Utilize the web/social networks to the fullest. Understand that you are building a brand and not going to make a million dollars in your 1st year. It just ain’t gonna happen.

Economics Slut: Beastial Government Stimulus

Kip Penn — Thu, 23 Jul 2009 07:29:28 +0000

In a profane effrontery to decency and theology, the US government continues burning stimulus money with wanton disregard for tax payers and forest creatures alike. Though many of our fanatical readers may think this is to be expected in today’s United Socialist States of America, FTVS refuses to sit mute, dumb and idle. Helen Keller, repent!

Irregardless of this particular project’s shovel readiness, it is execrable that Timmy Geitner (that beast loving troglodyte!) crammed through funding his bacchanalian fetish – forcing bears to pole dance!

The evidence below was submitted anonymously to the “Warriors of Democracy and Absolute Freedom” (patent pending) website, FTVS, by a brave whistle blower at the government-funded Northern Divide Bear Project.

Please, when watching this, ask yourself how you would feel if it were your daughter getting splinters in her naughty bits.

Economics Slut: The Entrepreneurial Spirit, Encumbered

Bob Albatross — Mon, 20 Jul 2009 03:47:53 +0000

“I will tell you how to become rich. Close the doors. Be fearful when others are greedy. Be greedy when others are fearful.”

- Warren Buffett

Milton Friedman, a fellow Chicagoean, would be proud.

As if more evidence were required to prove that the United States steadily marches toward the guillotine of socialism, we see here that the general public, as well as the great capitalist Ted Turner’s personal mouthpiece, CNN, have turned on the entrepreneurial spirit that previously characterized this once superlative but now rapidly decomposing nation!

Terrence Nicks, pictured left, bravely coordinated a plan with his esteemed colleagues to maximize value and nurture profit at the place of his employment – a graveyard. And yet he is being unjustly persecuted for engaging in value-adding landscaping. Absurd!

While the masses soil their underthings in phobia of the free market’s fist of righteousness, these dreamers heeded Buffett’s message, and did their duty as homo economicus to keep the moral fabric of Pax Americana intact.

As Washington fat-cats bathe themselves in TARP funds and Georgetown call girls, real people not unlike these visionary grave redistributors will continue to be unjustly persecuted under Barack Marx’s toxic shadow. And for what? For bravely looking to expand their benevolence.

What is next!? Shall we begin prosecuting the worldly and tuition-providing gentlemen that pay for college call girls?

Economics Slut: FTVS’s Loan Broker

Kip Penn — Thu, 16 Jul 2009 18:52:44 +0000

Tender, tender freedom.

As consummate financial specialists, FTVS staff is privy to extremely untoxic loans and asset movements, and is highly involved in fiscal policy setting and analysis. Jack Welch is often calling the FTVS office line for hortatory counsel. Timothy Geitner is perhaps a member of the FTVS editorial board.

Kip “Friedman” Penn, as the lead monitor of all FTVS budgetary intercourse, is uncommonly lucent in such issues.

He recently received the email below, an offer remarkable in scope and depth. Surprising even him, it read:

From: “nploan.1@mchsi.com”
Sent: Monday, July 13, 2009 2:42:07 PM
Subject:

I am Mr Morris Brown a legit loan lender,if you are in need of any
loan,Contact us via email;
Name:…………
Address: ………Duration:…..Amount
Needed………Monthly
income:….Country:……Purpose of
loan………..
Your phone no………

The acumen and tone of his solicitation was rousing. Kip sensed a genuine pioneer of the sovereign market at work. Without hesitation he responded:

from: Kip Penn <deliciouskip@gmail.com>
to: brown_easylloan01@hotmail.com

dateMon, Jul 13, 2009 at 5:22 PM
subjectRe: LOAN TERMS
mailed-bygmail.com

Hi Mr. Brown.

I am so happy you write to me. I need a loan now! Here my information you asked for.

Name: Kip Penn
Address: P.O. Box 17768
Baltimore, Maryland 21235
Duration: I dont understand
Amount Needed:1,500
Monthly income: $900
Country: United States
Purpose of loan: Allemony

Thank you so much Mr. Morris. You are angel with soft hair!

Kip Penn

Though renowned for its laureate stationing within the monetary matrix of capitalistic freedom, FTVS was dubious of whether or not a man of such stature would respond. At last, our fears were gently soothed and assuaged. Mr. Morris Brown replied with his trademark delightfulness:

from Morris Brown <brown_easyloan@hotmail.com>
reply-to: brown_easylloan01@hotmail.com

to: deliciouskip@gmail.com

dateMon, Jul 13, 2009 at 5:00 PM
subjectLOAN TERMS
mailed-byhotmail.com

Hello Kip Penn

My Greetings to you in the name of Our Lord, I thank you for showing your full interest in my loan program. The terms of the Amount which you requested as a loan is listed below, I am giving out this loan amount to you, with the duration of 1 years and i believe that you can be trusted.

You have come to the right place were you can get your loan fast and easy, I am a devoted Man and also a Christian and i hope you are too,and i hope you are a legitimate borrower and a believer too, I want you to be faithful and truthful in this transaction, So that we can have a good business relationship ahead, and i hope i can trust you? I can be able to offer you the loan of sum $1,500.00

I have stated the terms of the loan below for you to see and tell me if you are in agreement with the loan terms and condition or not.

MORRIS EASY LENDING COMPANY
Plot 125, FCT, Abuja , Nigeria
Ref: EA-ASL/941OYI/02/LN-N GR
SSL: 12/25/0034
GOVERNMENT ACCREDITED LICENSED!!
MORRIS FIRMS IS REGISTERED
UNDER THE DATA PROTECTION ACT OF: MOT
Registration (Z720633X)
TELL:+234-3933-3052

However, dear reader, FTVS is fearful that a militia from the great country of Africa has absconded our dear Mr. Morris Brown. The Maoist adumbration that casts itself over his country has surely swallowed him whole – for no reason other than providing pecuniary offerings to his American friends.