Category Archives: Fashion

Culture Slut: Vagazzling is The New Ear Piercing

Disco smells funny

Glorious readership, a bedazzling revolution is upon us. Vagazzling! The trend that’s causing the nether regions of celebrities to twinkle like the starry snatches they are will  certainly illuminate non-celebrity naughty bits in time. Like Reaganomics, FTVS applies gravity’s logic to cultures of genital adornment. And so, we are certain that vagazzling — the art of dressing up your nectar hole with rhinestones and cheap crystals — will soon percolate down to the less fortunate.

With absolute precision, FTVS predicts that within a decade vagazzling will become as banal as ear-piercings and as comfortable as Juicy Couture sweatsuits. Oh god yes; a girl’s prom preparation will include picking out a prom dress, and scheduling appointments with the manicurist, hair stylist, and the certified vagazzlist. Condoms will be made to withstand the friction of Swarovski-crystalled (vagazzled) vaginas. Vagazzling artists will show their art at vagazzling conventions. See minute 2:40 of the clip below to taste the rainbow, and the brilliantly vagazzled future.


The following conversation between a father and his 13-year-old daughter will certainly occur in the not-so-distant future:

Daddy, can I get vagazzled?

No.

Why not? I’m almost 14!

When I was your age, girls wanted to get their ears pierced. I’ll let you get your ears pierced.

What? do I look like mom to you? I wanna get vagazzled!!!!

Dear readers, the not-so-distant future will be glorious!

Fashion Slut: Karl Lagerfeld, Gay Helmut meets Bike Helmet

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Because fashion is for everyone.

Dear reader, the wait is over! Gay Frankenstein, also known as Karl Lagerfeld, has finally applied his ponytailed touch to the hazardous world of road safety.

Mr. Lagerfeld, also known as your creepy uncle who vacations too frequently in Thailand (Asia) and is perhaps featured on an Interpol watch list, has designed motorcycle helmets for the 2009 Christmas season (no Hanukkah, Karl does not approve). They are reasonably priced between $1,805 and $6,837, and are thus less an extravagance and more a necessity. Lagerfeld’s most proletarian helmets are elegantly covered with a luscious mantle of mink hair, naturally.

It is worth pondering why Hot Karl has abstained from designing these must-haves for so long — he is, after all, of Nazi heritage, and is thus predisposed to creating efficiently and aesthetically sharp utilitarian wares that are also blatantly insane.

Thank you KKKarl. May this gift you have brought us bring you a million nubile teenage boys for you to tickle with your ponytail in return.

FTVS rating: Six (6) and a half (1/2) stars

Fashion Slut: Ed Hardy Quenches Your Thirst

Refreshing, with a slight hint of rape.

Refreshing, with a slight hint of date rape.

Readers, it is eternally execrable that Ed Hardy connoisseurs are frequently misunderstood to be little more than well-tanned date rapists who push the modern boundaries of facial hair symmetry. Ed Hardy aesthetes discerningly adorn themselves in such voguish things as t-shirts with sparkles, and tigers, and of course, sparkly tigers. Profound, yet unequivocal.

Having conquered the garment market, FTVS is pleased to announce that Ed Hardy has forayed into the business realm that has beckoned it for so long. No, not professional sexual assault. No, not Persian bodybuilding gyms. Yes, bottled water. Let the prolific Ed Hardy communications department explain, in poetic cadence, of course:

“Water rains down from the heavens, from Clouds to Raindrops. Water provides life to all flowering plants, without which man would not exist. Water covers most of the world, and provides life to all alike. Water is the source of Agriculture, without which civilization would not have occurred. Water is always in a state of equilibrium and movement, always transmuting from gas to liquid to solid. Water is the lifeblood of all living things, without it there would be no life on Earth. Water is the matrix of life, binding us to all living things and the Earth. Water is Ed Hardy.”

Ed Hardy, a business genius with a deep understanding of the eluding laws of micro-economics, understood that a toned and tanned and shaved body ultimately relies on water. And by not supplying this intense hydration in a suitable format for the discerning arbiters of haute fashion, Ed Hardy understood, like a Nobel Laureate, that he was losing his market and ultimately decreasing his profit.

Of course, to sweeten the deal, it is important to know that rophynol also dissolves 2.457 times faster in this solution than it does in regular bottled water (a groundbreaking study by several UC Santa Barbara frat houses can confirm this as beyond factual).

Music Slut: Sven Vath, An Ethical Man Part Two

Sven Vath once again evidences his didactic fearlessness with an homage to theology.

So majestic, Sven’s piquancy implies he may be MC Hammer‘s bi-amative second cousin. FTVS will soon transmit an epistle to our hero of geometry with a forthright offer to wet-nurse his toes and sniff his bum.

Despite his contributions to the Reich Züchtung, FTVS remains deeply troubled by Sven’s reorientation toward the indignation that is minimal techno, and much prefers the Golden Era of Vath manifested below.

Fashion Slut: Body-Diaper-Chic

The ladies at the View introduce body-diaper-chic, a modern interpretation of a timeless classic.

When lower-body protection isn’t enough, the body diaper absorbs upper-body leakages and condensation ranging from nipple drips to wet back. The body diaper’s memory fabric also purports to protect against long things popping out of bellybuttons, like hot dogs. Sherri models/demonstrates with a plate of ribs.