Category Archives: Global Politics

Culture Slut: Iranian Government Denies Holocaust, Conducts Its Own

Earlier today, the FTVS bureau was forwarded distressing images of men in uniform partaking in what can only be described as the worst crime against humanity since the creation of FTVS. In this world of complete theological disarray, Iran demonstrated that infamy knows no bounds, by ordering the systematic and hermeneutic destruction of millions of bottles of imported libations. Yes, dear readers, cases of Absolut Vodka (Orange flavored, we would be remiss not to add) were crushed with extreme prejudice, like Sarah Palin’s vagina at an interracial gang-bang.

FTVS has no choice but to declare war against the Iranian government, and is currently negotiating with General Stanley McChrystal, an FTVS angel investor, on the most appropriate punishment. There is of course the atomic bomb, but the Iranian culprits shall be given much worse: FTVS will oversee the logistics of parachuting one hundred thousand (100,000) crates of David Guetta’s Just a Little More Love across this unholy nation.

Yes, dear reader when the going gets tough, the tough get tougher. FTVS has also contacted Oscar-winning director Steven Spielberg to write, direct, and produce a trilogy of films documenting the alcoholic genocide for future generations to remember that humans, much like over-sized rectal eels, on occasion go too far.

Economics Slut: Raj Rajaratnam Declares, “Tase the Fucking Midget!”, Saves Capitalism

Free RajRaj! Tasers + Midgets = Liberty!

Readers, in this age of indecency and acutely sodomizing atheism, it is supremely important that we continue to acknowledge life’s finer offerings, such as midgets and Tasers.

None have grasped this maxim of dwarfs and electronic current weaponry with more agility than the corpulent and habitually jolly Indian capitalist, Raj Rajaratnam.

RajRaj rightly acknowledged the air of moral fatigue and theological malfeasance that has plagued our stained society as of late, and took it upon himself to rectify this dire cultural incorrection. How did he do it? By bringing midgets and Tasers into his workplace, a hedge fund, of course.

The man, however, is being threatened by the very society he has spent his life seeking to help, and is currently fighting slanderous insider trading charges waged against him by the Stalinist SEC.

In addition to being a beacon of capitalist benevolence by sharing trading tips with close friends and closer enemies, RajRaj also hired a midget to entertain his staff, and encouraged with a five thousand (5000) dollar bonus a female employee to have her nipples erected by a Taser. Sadly, it is his first move that aroused the usually flaccid member of the SEC.

RajRaj is a man of the people. Indeed, the hedge fund manager, and currently number two hundred and seventy fourth (274) wealthiest man in the American States, donated well over twenty (20) million dollars to charitable organizations over the past five (5) years, in particular toward clearing land mines in former conflict zones of Sri Lanka (East Indies) — such generosities surely bestow upon a man the right to get his Tase on and/or dabble in the hiring of vertically challenged bipedal humanoids.

FTVS is outraged to have such an extraordinary fellow charged for a mere one (1) million dollar windfall following the failed merger between Sun Microsystems and IBM. God damn it reader, does the SEC not realize THIS IS the type of corporate leader America is presently begging for? And was the eighty seven thousand (87,000) dollars donated to the Obama Hussein Barack campaign not supposed to insure him against this sort of mistreatment?

Accordingly, FTVS has dispatched a generous and sexual offer to RajRaj, seeking to solicit his services to head-up the newly anointed FTVS Financial Services Division. More information to follow.

al-Slut: Sheikh Issa Bin Sayed al-Nahayan Innocent! Drugs Guilty!

The Face of Innocence.

Hallelujah! Sheikh Issa bin Zayed al-Nahayan, brother of the United Arab Emirates’ president, was finally acquitted of a torture that he clearly had nothing to do with, aside from committing. Liberty incarnate, inshallah!

Indeed, few as innocent, naïve and sweet as Sheikh Issa have known the scarlet taint of accusation. And for those who find Middle-Eastern democracy suspect, look no further than the liberal judge who determined Sheikh Issa was not responsible for the torture dealt by his hands. Rather, it was the fault of the drugs he was on. FTVS judiciously endorses this ruling, of course.

What drugs you might wonder? A cocktail of cocaine, alcohol, MDMA and ketamine, perhaps? Unlikely, according to FTVS Narcotic Advisor Jack Colt. Supporting Jack’s incontrovertible findings, FTVS intelligence obtained medical records showing the poor Sheikh was perscribed MIRAPEX, a drug used to treat restless leg syndrome (RLS).

It required maximal Google investigation to learn that MIRAPEX commonly results in side-effects akin to those exhibited in the video below.

Please dear readers, take a lesson from the venerable Sheikh’s case — seek medical and sexual attention right away if any of these MODERATE side effects occur from MIRAPEX use:

Increased urination; vision changes; abnormal thinking; confusion; change in behavior, mood, or emotions; new, unusual or intense urges (eg, gambling, sexual urges, torturing); unusual twitching or muscle movements (eg, involuntary kicking, branding, pouring salt or pissing on open wounds); sudden irresistible urge to sleep or suddenly falling asleep at unusual times (eg, driving a Mercedes SUV with a recently tortured man in its path); while using MIRAPEX.

Be like the good prince: immediately and unremittingly pursue advice from your doctor if you experience similar side effects while swerving on MIRAPEX.

On an unrelated note, who wants to go to Dubai with FTVS to snort heroin and penetrate some hot Emirati ass, preferably the sisters and mother of Sheikh Issa? If the honorable Sheikh Issa gets angry, we can just blame the roofies and Viagra.

Political Slut: Obama Visits San Francisco to Lobby FTVS

Taste the rainbow. And the freedom.

Taste the rainbow. And the freedom.

It comes as no surprise to everyone that Obama Barack would charter the beleaguered Air Force One (1) to San Francisco solely to lobby the eminent FTVS staff.

The media firestorm that accrued around missing FTVS intern Falcon Heene swept through the District of Columbia beltway like syphilis in the Castro. Obama, being the copacetic mulatto that he is, took heed and understood that decisive action was required. Mr. President arrived at San Francisco International Airport (SFO) on October 15th at exactly 4:53pm PST. His motorcade awaited, and thoroughly transported our dearest Barry to FTVS headquarters by 5:21pm PST.

Why? Some of you may still ponder. Of course, because Obama Barack demanded a face-to-face with senior FTVS staff to lobby on behalf of his daughter, Malia. The FTVS 2009 underage intern search has left no person unmoved, emotionally, physically, and of course metaphysically.

It is of supreme naturality that Obama would insist upon his first born daughter interning with FTVS — a replacement for that asshole child known as Falcon Heene. The leader of the unconditionally free world demanded that Malia fill the void left by the aeronautically retarded bird child.

Sadly, FTVS insisted on rebuking the President’s lobbying efforts, due to unconfirmed reports suggesting he was not born in the United States of America, but in Sweden and Guam. Accordingly, the FTVS intern search remains open, like Mariah Carey’s sweet, gaping beef factory.

Despite this, FTVS would like to acknowledge that Mr. Obama’s motorcade bears an uncanny resemblance to his member: long, fast, shiny and black, just as the picture suggests. FTVS also bore witness to Air Force One (1), not at FTVS headquarters but at SFO. Uncannily, this megaloid aircraft also bears a striking resemblance to our dearest President’s coital organ: vascular, sinewy and octoroon.

What long-standing theory does has FTVS proven? That President Barack possesses a fortuitous phallus, and that his modes of transport were sculpted on this dictum. Also, that FTVS is a remarkable bastion of integrity, and is unfettered even by the most potent echelons of political prowess.

Please witness the excerpt below. This heated exchange between the two leaders confirms FTVS’s Bob Albatross as a master of negotiation.

Culture Slut: Wiggers, Uighurs, and Everything In Between

h_d01_uyghur_men

A gang of Wiggers listening to the new Keak Da Sneak EP.

Confused by the semblance of the Wiggers and the Uighurs? Let FTVS explain.

The Wigger people are a thickly persecuted Turkic ethnic group sparsely habituating Western China. The Wiggers are to the People’s Republic of China (PRC) what the Palestinians are to Israel. Superlatively surveilled by that mongoloid President of theirs, Mr. Hu Jintao, and constantly strangulated by Mao’s visible hand, these denigrated Silk Roadies do all they can to keep it good in this bad world.

The Wiggers reside almost exclusively in the Xinjiang Uyghur Autonomous Region of Western China. This effervescent tribe has been anomalously prominent (by anomalously prominent FTVS means maybe mentioned in passing once or twice) on the 24 hour news networks as of late. Why? FTVS wondered too.

The media first came knocking when insurgents organized yet another unsuccessful rebellion against the Sinese machine that has sought to oppress the Wigger movement for so long. More recently, our dearest Centrally Asian friends received attention when several Wiggers were holidaying at Guantanamo Bay (though these punctilious gentlemen have since been relocated to Bermuda, a place very similar to Turkmenistan).

A gang of Uighurs. Likely defying the Chinese government.

A gang of Uighurs defying the Chinese government.

The Uighurs are a different ethnic group, mostly from North America, and are not to be confused with the Wiggers — we beg you, dear reader, to overcome your phonetic prejudice for the rest of this article (yes, Uighur and Wigger are uncannily similar in pronunciation, like vagina and vajina).

The Uighur people are an ethnically Caucasian yet aspirationally Negro minority group largely found in the United States of America, Canada and sometimes even Europe. They are the Quebecois of the Zhongguo: reprobated by their racial archetypes, and derided by the more robustly, phallusly endowed people whom they seek to emulate. You are surely familiar with the most well-known Uighurs: Eminem, K-Fed, Scott Storch, et cetera.

Thus, strong similarities exist between these two groups, beyond phonetic semblance of course. Additionally, the political marginalization of each group is largely analogous and thus reinforces the mundane confusion that is rampant in the uneducated circle of today’s youth. FTVS, one more time, takes it on herself to clarify the obscured with its clairvoyance.

The Wiggers and the Uighers, FTVS declares, must unite to confront the societal vicissitude that encumbers them both. Only then will this hermaphrodite of a world reconcile the reproductive parts of its whole.

Culture Slut: Scholars and Sweet Babies

zizek_wed-784030There typically exists an inverse correlation between an academic’s prominence and the droopiness of his matron’s labia and/or jowls. Slavoj Zizek does more than merely offer an exception to the rule, he sadistically waterboards it in a rusty vat of bull semen.

FTVS by no means venerates the Horkheimean, proto-Marxist drivel that Slavvy (as his friends refer to him) repulsively spits at his audiences, but we do applaud his capacity to endear and subsequently penetrate scorching Argentinean ass.

What is his recipe? Groundbreaking research suggests it may indeed be a hermeneutic form of rophynol, also known as the love drug.

FTVS would greatly appreciate acquiring this potent, slow-release recipe of chemical goodness. Evidence indicates it is exclusively sheathed by several accomplished yet physically maladroit scholars, such as Zizek and Stephen Hawking. How else can one explain their lavish spoils of tender lips and smooth, soft buttocks?

Most importantly, acquiring this sleepy love elixir would significantly unburden the FTVS operating budget. FTVS’s coffers are syphoned to Jack Colt’s abysmal thirst for puerile Indonesian jiggy jig, and the inevitable bail surcharge that regularly follows. These expenditures have skyrocketed  particularly over the past 10 days. FTVS interns visit Western Union on Mr. Colt’s behalf most mornings – such is the price of fame, teen lust, and an unbridled appetite for decency.

Economics Slut: Beastial Government Stimulus

In a profane effrontery to decency and theology, the US government continues burning stimulus money with wanton disregard for tax payers and forest creatures alike. Though many of our fanatical readers may think this is to be expected in today’s United Socialist States of America, FTVS refuses to sit mute, dumb and idle. Helen Keller, repent!

Irregardless of this particular project’s shovel readiness, it is execrable that Timmy Geitner (that beast loving troglodyte!) crammed through funding his bacchanalian fetish – forcing bears to pole dance!

The evidence below was submitted anonymously to the “Warriors of Democracy and Absolute Freedom” (patent pending) website, FTVS, by a brave whistle blower at the government-funded Northern Divide Bear Project.

Please, when watching this, ask yourself how you would feel if it were your daughter getting splinters in her naughty bits.

Health Slut: Swine Flu, The Antibody

"Isn't she lovely" - Stevie Wonder (blind negro)

Sweet, tender, gentle bacon. Glory!

Those swindlers at the World Health Organization (WHO, a pseudonym) recently released the scientific equivalent to an extremely silent but deadly anal miasma.

The National Enquirer’s retarded half-cousin, The New York Times, reported last week that the WHO  (not the rock band of renowned kiddie-fiddler Pete Townshend, but the blasphemists mentioned above) has ceased tracking and reporting swine flu related casualties.

The journalistic and epidemiologistic virtuosity that lies inveterate within FTVS’s essence forces us to pose the question no other news institution has the testicular fiber to pose: why?

The answer resides somewhere between A) that there are inherent difficulties in establishing robust enough quantitative data sets correlating the relationship between causality and mortality when examining the H1N1 virus, and B) that if swine flu leads to the symptoms characterized in the picture above, this supposed “virus” is indeed more a celebration of life than it is an arbiter of necrosis.

FTVS heretoforth endorses swine flu, and asks that you, our demanding and fanatical reader base, not succumb to the wantonly sensationalistic bait that is being dangled by the CDC.

Swine flu, FTVS proclaims, is not an epizootic threat! FTVS also demands that the wondrous pig mammal receive immediate exculpation from the smear campaign that has racially profiled his species.

Economics Slut: The Entrepreneurial Spirit, Encumbered

“I will tell you how to become rich. Close the doors. Be fearful when others are greedy. Be greedy when others are fearful.”

– Warren Buffett

Milton Friedman, a fellow Chicagoean, would be proud.

Milton Friedman, a fellow Chicagoean, would be proud.

As if more evidence were required to prove that the United States steadily marches toward the guillotine of socialism, we see here that the general public, as well as the great capitalist Ted Turner’s personal mouthpiece, CNN, have turned on the entrepreneurial spirit that previously characterized this once superlative but now rapidly decomposing nation!

Terrence Nicks, pictured left, bravely coordinated a plan with his esteemed colleagues to maximize value and nurture profit at the place of his employment – a graveyard. And yet he is being unjustly persecuted for engaging in value-adding landscaping. Absurd!

While the masses soil their underthings in phobia of the free market’s fist of righteousness, these dreamers heeded Buffett’s message, and did their duty as homo economicus to keep the moral fabric of Pax Americana intact.

As Washington fat-cats bathe themselves in TARP funds and Georgetown call girls, real people not unlike these visionary grave redistributors will continue to be unjustly persecuted under Barack Marx’s toxic shadow. And for what? For bravely looking to expand their benevolence.

What is next!? Shall we begin prosecuting the worldly and tuition-providing gentlemen that pay for college call girls?


Culture Slut: Jack Colt – Feared To Be Victim of Terrorism Soiree

Before Picture, Sent by Jack Colt by IPhone Camera

Before picture, sent by Jack Colt on his Nokia iPhone camera.

UPDATE: JACK COLT IS DOING VERY NICELY. PLEASE READ THE MESSAGE BELOW, BUT IGNORE ALL MEANINGS EXTANT WITHIN.

Dear readers,

Jack Colt, founding organizer of FTVS and esteemed quantitative analyst, is missing in the Indonesian archipelago. Wavelength signals transmitted via FTVS newswire indicate another flaccid terrorist encumbrance in the nation’s capital, Jakarta. FTVS eagerly awaits word on Mr. Colt’s normally robust health. Meanwhile, candle lit vigils illuminate the nation.

Before despair disseminates, there are myriad variables that require processing:

It is widely known that Mr. Colt enjoys absolute hibernation during his initial 5 days in the former Dutch colony. He is commonly understood to subsume himself in unbridled labial/vaginal adventures predicated on fiscal exchange, while sometimes exploring the testicular conquests of gender mismatch.

Congruently, upon Indonesian reintegration, our dearest Mr. Colt oftentimes indulges in aggressive “arvo” sessions protoluxed with exorbitant  psilocybin intake.

As a result, his lack of correspondence can not be taken alone as proof of his imminent death via virgin-providing (that is the point, after all, is it not?) suicide bomb. Intensive research suggests the weapons were prescribed by several unassuming Indonesian males – bagus, they are, err, were not.

Dearest Jack, our thoughts are with you, and we pray to Artemis that you have not been exploded by nitroglycerenic compounds, courtesy of a few bad apple, unhappy Indonesian dickheads.

God bless, and may your journeys be flawless.