Category Archives: Movies

Film Slut: Dirty Pictures

While UC Berkeley is currently nurturing a nasty crop of Keynesian syphilis among its Economics department,  Cal’s Chemistry department remains at the forefront of theological psychotropic exploration.

These groundbreaking seeds were initially sown by FTVS’s favorite mind explorer and Cal alum Alexander Shulgin (co-author of the penis-inflating monographs PiHKAL and TiHKAL). Dr. Shulgin is the subject of a new documentary, which weaves a tapestry of narcotic libertarianism.  Yes, Shulgin created, synthesized and self-tested more than two hundred (200) mind-altering chemical compounds. The film is inappropriately titled Dirty Pictures, and does not include gratuitous footage of the cocks or vagines.

Film Slut: I Am A Motherfucker

The motherfucker is Thomas Alexander Bruso, a bearded gentleman famous throughout the Oakland area and also the internet area. Mr. Bruso is an expert, shall we say, at doing the right thing at the right time in the right place.

Perhaps justifiably he was tasered at an Oakland A’s game by the Orwellian pigs, and more recently knocked the teeth out of an obnoxious bus rider about twenty (20) years his junior. There is no question that Mr. Bruso is Bob Albatross’ genetic although perhaps not hermeneutic father.

Let the Motherfucker himself do the explaining in the brief documentary below. Keep in mind that this film should have won an Academy Award for best documentary because being a motherfucker is much more theologically palatable than being a social worker for dolphins.

Film Slut: Jungle’s Genealogy

To the uninitiated FTVS reader, the history of Jungle and Drum ‘n Bass might appear long and dark, not unlike the negro phallus. However, it is in fact short and pallid, not unlike the honkey phallus. Yes, dear reader, this is besides the point. Phallus girth and pigment are not the issue.

The issue is that Jungle/DnB is perhaps the most athletic genre within the mutating electronic rubric, yet it suffers greatly from the preponderantly hideous constituency it attracts under its passive yet sustained reign. The “Junglist” demographic: pasty Caucasian males in their twenties with strong afflictions for crystal meth, low-slung baseball hats, acne, delusional elitism, hoodies, camouflage apparel, Technics clothing, and of course Technics camouflage hoodies.

To put it simply, self-identifying Junglists tend to look like Gollum and Deadmau5’s bastard child; and female followers that indulge in and enjoy the quick-tempoed brokenbeats tend to be rave scabs.

All of this is quite distressing, considering that the genre itself is robust and infinitely more sex-provoking than the current shitwave of releases under the moniker of electro (or whatever degenerate genre it is that is so wrongly masturbated by other online publications).

So, the point is this: the documentary below displays the origins of the jungle movement, and is worthy of your devoted perusal.

Movie Slut: Glory Days of Rave

SL2

SL2, inventors of the token black guy.

Readers, there is an inherent tragedy in that the youth today have shit taste in electronic music. Perhaps this is so because the adolescents have a poorly construed sense of lineage and genealogy.

Accordingly, peruse the documentary film below, and fellate your understanding of the roots of rave.

This pièce de résistance provides coverage of Liam Howlett, SL2, Kevin Saunderson and Cubic 22. Post Hacienda yet pre-Ministry of Sound, the film focuses upon the most pleasurable of all epochs within electronic music’s antiquity: 1991.

Please note: those of you servile enough to be uninitiated in the ways of SL2 should immediately and relentlessly pursue an investigative voyage into their origin. They are, after all, the Justice of their day, but certainly less sodomizing and irrevocably less French (same difference).


Movie Slut: 2012 > Schindler’s List

untitledMovie critics are not unlike chlamydia or gonorrhea: very exasperating and inconvenient when you are lusting for the full hermeneutic stroking of the mind and cock.

Of course, never has this been more palpable than when the film critic community recently took it upon itself to question the irrevocable supremacy of 2009’s greatest movie: 2012.

Make no mistake, dear readers, this film is more exceptional than a blowjob and lasts even longer. Tragically, that herpetic squadron of film analysts over at Rotten Tomatoes has castigated this masterpiece, directed by the superlatively homoerotic Roland Emmerich, having granted it a mere 39% on the Tomato Meter. Why? Because the “plot is thin” and the premise “silly“.

Yes, of course, because the world public was relying on this film to deliver an allegorical vignette of mankind’s constellation of philosophy.

Expanding upon this logic, FTVS hereby gives Schindler’s List a 5% on the Slut Meter because it failed to “deliver the laughs”, “lacked color film with nominal special effects” and “featured only many Krauts and Jews”.

Movie Slut: Britain Makes Good, Finally

It is universally known that the perfidious Albion — also known as Pommyland, or Britain — has never contributed much, if anything, to humankind.

Shockingly, the Pom bastards and trollops have finally bequeathed something upon the rest of us (aside from bad teeth, bad food, and of course slavery) that is not merely mediocre, but downright resplendent.

Peruse these videos, and try to forgo your understandably violent prejudice against the Redcoats whilst conducting your surveillance. David Attenborough‘s voice is a carnally erotic force, similar to Jack Colt’s bald-headed yogurt slinger (but not as colossal or positively thrustic).

URGENT UPDATE: Understanding the difficulty of breaking history’s norm, Britain removed said videos for reasons unbeknown to FTVS. Ergo, this shiteous stain of an island justly reclaims its position as having contributed nothing to man’s great march of progress. To be continued.

Movie Slut: Gentlemen Broncos

The only thing white people enjoy more than law school and Talib Kweli is Flight of the Conchords.

Of course, FTVS is not trying to burglarize from the PhD dropout honkey who wrote Stuff White People Like, which is, naturally, now one of white people’s favorite things (you just can’t win with the cracker — s/he is infatigable).

Let us digress. The point is, and has always been, that Jemaine Clement is featured in a new film that will soon have the Caucasian nation roaring in laughter. FTVS is currently trying to shuffle its rigorous schedule to accommodate an interview with Mr. Clement, but for now, a trailer must suffice.

Culture Slut: The FTVS Roman Polanski Award

FTVS is very pleased to announce its newest award, similar to the Pulitzer Prize but with more prestige and underage sodomy. The FTVS Roman Polanksi Award celebrates the finest things in subversive reproductive deviance – also known as surprise sex.

For this inaugural dispersal of dominion and eminence, FTVS feels it is very important to give the award to Roman Polanski. He has flawlessly engineered sex with underage girls for decades, always with the utmost protection (Quaaludes) and an intricate, circumscribed disregard for American injustice. Instead, he marches to his own beat, and beats off to females who are at the height of their capacity to enjoy Powerpuff Girls.

Roman, an avid FTVS reader, has always understood that the true value of fame lies not in the free hair products or the fast boats. No. It is the undying allegiance of Whoopi Goldberg (black Jew: amazing), the Weinsten brothers (fat Jews: sort of amazing), and France (not Jew: not amazing at all).

FTVS stands in solidarity with Roman. He will not be forgotten. Drugging and sexually abusing a young woman is forever, like diamonds.

Write caption here

Roman Rajmund Pola?ski, accepting his FTVS Roman Polanski Award - the most prestigious acknowledgment of his career.

Movie Slut: Another 48 Hours II

48hours

Bears, blacks, whites and smiles.

The indefatigable Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy are the seminal miniaturists who lay the tender, inviting foundation of modern democracy and theology. FTVS was pleased to see them perusing cocks and breasts large and small at the Folsom Street Fair.

The duo’s film, 48 Hours, is the finest moving picture of all time – it possesses the geometry of a nuanced, cleansed quim socket. Please see Rotten Tomatoes reviews for averment, and understand: the six (6) percent of analyses against this chocolate-swirled cinematograph were scribed by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Under pseudonyms, of course.

Why does our dearest Mahmoud hate this movie? Because Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy are amazing Jews. Also because they have fornicated thousands (1000s) of women, mostly Persian.

Let us stay on topic.

FTVS captured an exclusive first look at their new film, Another 48 Hours II. Between scenes, the actors were salivating over the hairy chests and firm buttock of well exercised bears. And sometimes frolicking with severely over-mammarized women. And maybe smoking crack while getting bobo from a prized tranny. FTVS gives this movie ten out of ten (10/10) stars, one hundred percent (100%).