Category Archives: Music

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, Third (3) Edition: Mr. C

Readers, rather than letting FTVS do the talking, we will now do what Noam Chomsky should have done in 1971: we will shut the fuck up and let the Michel Foucault of electronic music say his piece.

Dearest Eezer, please share with us your most intoxicating and intoxicated story involving the sweet narcotics and the sweet babies.

Do the narcotics and the babies have to come together? When I’m on narcotics and don’t really like jelly babies or any other candies come to think of it. And now I’m trying to think of narcotics that are sweet. Hmmmmmm?

However, there’s a guy in the place with a bitter sweet face and he goes by the name of Ebeneezer Goode. You wouldn’t want him standing behind you in a sweaty dark room though.

Do you regularly consult the cabal of Lotharios on 4four for advice on a) how to sex up the finest women b) how to become a fortuitous disc jockey c) how to travel the world and get paid to make vaginas dance? FTVS has not learned this from 4four, but has learned that soggy crackers is a very popular game with the site’s regular users.

I do regularly consult those said Lotharios. It’s a bit like listening to your Mom or your wife though, you always do the opposite to what you’ve been told.

So, A) I think most of them are virgins, or just not that proud of their other halves so generally offer little in the way of any decent advice on the fairer sex. B) There are actually a few fortuitous DJs that frequent 4four, but it’s mostly full of keyboard warriors who have never munched carpet or have anchovy on their pizzas, which clearly renders any advice completely irrelevant. C) See answer B.

I’ve also heard that Soggy Crackers is popular game in the cyber world of Lotharioland, they definitely don’t play crispy biscuits and their eye sights are going awry …. Bless!

FTVS is aware that you began observing the housing market at just the time the housing market crashed. Which economist most informs your purchasing decisions? Are you a genius entrepreneur and is the Fed consulting you?

It was actually a year after the market crashed we began observing, when the market hit it’s low, don’t you just love synchronicity? The £ had momentarily jumped back up to $1.64 from $1.45 when I transferred funds across and now it’s plummeted back to $1.45, all the luck of the Devil of course. It’s the wife that informs me of my purchasing decisions (well her purchasing decisions actually) and bloody fine decisions they are too as she does indeed wear the trousers in our house (which is great as I get to wear the skirt). Yes I’m a genius, yes I’m an entrepreneur but never in the same sentence and yes I think I’m Billy Big Balls (or was that Charlie Cohones)? Do you know who I think I am? And yes I have the Fed as my personal consultants. I can get them to consult for you for way less than half price, maybe even for free, but you have to do them, well, special favors.

Tell us about your relationship with our dear friend Francis “Big Frankie” Harris. Has he told you about the whale cock? FTVS fears his production output has decreased because he now spends too much time reading our website. This is completely understandable.

You gotta love “Big Frankie”. He’s probably my best pal in the whole wide world. Verga (spanish for Whale Cock) is one (1) of my favorite words. A famous philosopher once wrote “Esta la Verga Güey”. In fact I like Vergota even more as it’s simply that much greater. Also, I think Big Franks production output has increased hasn’t it, obviously inspired by the wisdom of that fortunate yet violently loose woman … the slut!

Tell us about Los Angeles. Is it treating you as it should? Are you still seeking to become an actor? Have you had any success? FTVS is making a movie about FTVS, titled “The Greatest Generation”. Come sit on the casting couch but don’t forget your mouth guard.

I love my new home city, it’s so laid back (well laid) and everyone is so friendly (when verga munching which I’m told is a delicacy). It looks like I may have nailed a Superfreq residency in Hollywood which will be an after hours, as well as our monthly Tuesday, Super Disco Freq at Short Stop in Echo Park, will know in the next few days about the after hours so keep your fingers crossed for me.

Yes, I’m still seeking to become an actor although settling in to Los Angeles is my first priority. The only success I’ve had has been getting cast in a very cool UK movie, great supporting role too so I’m stoked about that, again more info when it’s actually happening as in the movie industry, it may simply not happen any time soon, but now the summers coming I’ll be spending more weekends in L.A (if we confirm the after hours) meaning more time in L.A in general, so it’s now time to start networking now that I’ve found my feet a little in town.

The FTVS movie, I’d love to come sit on your casting couch but the mouth guard won’t be at all necessary and I give great auditions! More tea vicar?

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Tracklisting:

  1. Dexter Wansal – Life on Mars – Philadelphia International Records
  2. Canson – Sued – City Fox Ltd
  3. Deniz Kurtel – Yeah (Jamie Jones Shower Curtain remix)- Crosstownrebels records.
  4. Andomat3000 – Beatroot – Highrade Records
  5. Pawel – Dawn – Dial Records
  6. Room 10 – Los Gritos – Metroline Ltd
  7. Semtek – Bells – Don’t Be Afraid Records
  8. Pantha Du Prince – Stick to my side (efdemin version) – Rough Trade Records
  9. DJ Jus-Ed v DJ QU – All across the floor – UQ Records
  10. Moody Man – Freaky MF – KDJ records
  11. Raza – After Death – Coloured
  12. Read Truth – Evidence – RWL records
  13. Liz Torres – I can’t get enough – State Street Records
  14. Audion – Push – Spectral Sound Records
  15. Alex O Smith – Kosmos 1402 – Omars Detroit
  16. Divine – Native love – O Records
  17. Cerone – Supernature – Malligator Records

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, Second (2) Edition: Max Cooper

At last we present you with the second installment of our countably infinite series of Essensual Mixes. This sequelized and heavily sexualized edition features the heir to Horkheimer, Max Cooper. The connection between Mr. Cooper and Fortuna is strong, if not obvious, like Michael Jackson and Macualay Culkin in the tub perhaps.

No one since the great Iannis Xenakis and the uber-sexual Deniz Kurtel has demonstrated the neuronal ingenuity necessary to span the basis of musical theology in such a linear and erogenous fashion. Recent Traum releases such as the Harmonish Serie, Stochastic Serie, and Chaotish Serie were purely deflowering if not entirely academic — in the sense that a professor has sex with his undergraduate students.

As this concoction evidences, Max is also a capable jockey of the disc; but enough of us, let Dr. Cooper himself do the descriptive:

This is a sonic representation of midgets on wheels suffering the obtrusive consequences of Goliath on heat, a coming together which can only occur with a careful oiling of musical progression. The lewd intrusion takes the audience and participants to unseen nooks and crannies of musical anatomy, as genres are split and sealed in a manner that breaks any idealistic laws of how a mix should be done.

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Tracklisting:

  1. Max Richter – Horizon Variations (FatCat)
  2. Noisa – Machine Gun – Amon Tobin Remix (Vision)
  3. Jay Shepheard – Add Arp (Retrofit)
  4. Slam – Azure – Radioslave Remix (Soma) – Max Cooper Edit
  5. Hot Chip – I Feel Better – Max Cooper Remix (TBC)
  6. Butch – Reshef – Gow Remix (Trapez Ltd)
  7. Max Cooper – Chaotisch Serie – Reset Robot Remix (Traum)
  8. Mijail & Victor Vera – Jungler – Loko Remix (Darkside Digital) – Max Cooper Edit
  9. Barem – Heyday – Ronan Portela Remix (Foundsound Records)
  10. Fabian Schumann & Black Vel – Rafael (Mangue)
  11. Dyno – Risvegli – Max Cooper Remix (Hell Yeah)
  12. Andre Kraml – Safari – James Holden Remix (Crosstown Rebels)
  13. Olivier Giacomotto – Gone Hunting (Definitive) – Max Cooper Edit
  14. Max Cooper – Ediolic Spectra (TBC)
  15. Stephan Bodzin – Vendetta (Herzblut)
  16. Max Cooper – Chaotisch Serie (Traum)
  17. King Roc – The Beginning (Process)

Party Slut: The Culprit Sessions Return

Australians call it the Sunday Session. Theologically inclined Los Angeleans call it the Culprit Session. Yes, dear reader, your hibernation can end and the water sports can begin. The Rooftop at the Standard Hotel Downtown LA this Sunday becomes once more the fertile hive of sensual sweet babies dancing to a loined musical curation.

What’s more, that first afternoon, Jack Colt will host a pleasure contest in the ladies restroom. Hydrate profusely, and visit the toilets to explore the outer limits of Mr. Colt’s flaccidity. Also, Konrad Black is Canadian but is not the media magnate in prison. Same same, yet only similar.

Music Slut: Lazers, Tits, and King Britt

The Saint Patrick’s celebration is and has always been a most adequate day to reawaken your latent alcoholism and to force sex upon Irish looking people. Vice versa is also acceptable.

This year FTVS will help you, dear reader, with your endeavors by offering you one of the most groundbreaking websites ever to emerge from the Internet womb: www.lazertits.com. And because lazers and tits go hand in phallus with space disco and black sex, we will now take a moment to remind you of Josh Wink’s Philadelphian brother-in-arms, King Britt.

King’s upcoming artist album, Intricate Beauty, will be released on Nervous Records later this month. The album is very good, and will make even the most restrained, snaggled tits shoot blinding lazer beams (please wear protective goggles, but only on the head).

[MP3] King Britt – Now (feat Astrid Suryanto)

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, First (1) Edition: DROOG

Readers, we present to you the culmination of it all: the FTVS Essensual Mix. It is hot like gay porn, but with more phallus and even more vagina.

An iteratively monthly podcast event, the FTVS Essensual Mix is curated to expose Fortuna’s effete sensuality and easy virtue. It is an effort to spread her lips and dive in, penetrating at once her mighty mind and sordid snatch.

The selection process is discerning and only moderately racist, based entirely on the artists’ ability to inspire strong erections among our editorial board. FTVS encourages one hundred (100) percent musical freedom, experimentation, a daily selenium supplement, and of course, lots of spit.

It was only natural, like a teenage hermaphrodite, to pop the FTVS Essensual Mix cherry with Droog. This Los Angelean triumvirate has been instrumental in educating the Southern Californian masses in musical theology, by launching the Culprit label a year ago, and of course instigating the Culprit sessions atop the Standard Hotel Downtown L.A.

Let us leave it to the artists themselves to describe their concocted orgy of breasted grooves and fellated snares. As phrased by Sirs Andrei, Brett and Justin (in alphabetical but also preferential order):

Upon a well lubricated commencement of our RebelRave inspired musings this Saturday past, we have birthed (those mix-rearing hips came in handy) a set filled to the brim with sensual and amorous innuendos and bravado. When you listen, think of our potent seed.

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Tracklisting:

  1. P. Toile – One (Tanner Ross & Sergio Santos’ remix) [Kina Music]
  2. Geddes & Mick Newman – Lost Souls [Tsuba]
  3. Glimpse – If I Was Your Girl (Beats Mix) [Crosstown Rebels]
  4. 20:20 Soundsystem – Broken (Uner & Coyu remix] [20:20 Vision]
  5. Geddes & Mick Newman – Solaris (Anonym remix) [Tsuba]
  6. Joss Moog – Fat Mama [Minority Music]
  7. Veitengruber – Make You Crazy [Hohenregler]
  8. DJ W!ild – Goiabada [Love Letters From Oslo]
  9. The Drug Punks – Drug (Erick Morillo Dub) [Sondos]
  10. AKA JK – SOTWTGYO (Runaway Remix) [Throne of Blood]
  11. John Johr – Baby [Left’d]
  12. MANIK – Shaolin [Culprit]
  13. Lee Foss – Solo [Culprit]
  14. Kenneth James Gibson feat. Kelly Johnston – Something in The Way (Ryan Crosson’s Dub Trip remix) [Culprit]

Music Slut: Songs For Sex, Volume 1

Readers, sometimes we just need a little bit more 80s Negro action in our lives. FTVS does not really need this because of course Grace Jones and Carl Weathers are both interns in our office.

Still, the videos below will assist in stimulating those of you undernourished by a lack of African American companions. Spice up your day and let the theology and geometry of Black Sex take you over.

Music Slut: Exclusive Interview of the Year 7th Edition – Deniz Kurtel

Readers, this interview tested the extreme limits of lust and erotogenic mutuality. While our readership has come to expect nothing less than the most groundbreaking catechisms and inquests from the brilliant yet seductive FTVS staff, we surprised even ourselves with this dialogue, entering a previously unattainable arena of sexuality and theology.

The hedonic, erotic connection between FTVS and Deniz Kurtel is strong, perhaps too strong. Read on, but first be sure to lay down, for this interview will cause a rush of blood to the (phallic) head so robust you will likely faint at least three (3) times.

Let us commence.

Deniz, trusted sources indicate that you are the spawn of “mining magnates turned championship racehorse breeders”. This suggests FTVS has read about you in a Dominic Dunne article, or has seen your family caricaturised in a Bond film. Please give us five (5) sentences about your upbringing in the Anatolian Peninsula. Also, are you expected to marry an aristocrat (please note that the blood of FTVS industrialists Bob Albatross and Jack Colt is very blue)?

I lived in Turkey till I was 18, and had a very close relationship with my parents growing up.  My mom’s world consisted of making/teaching/sponsoring art, and she took me and my sister everywhere she went so we grew up in her art world.  My father was obsessed with the sea so we spent 3-4 months of every year on the boat, definitely the best times of my life.  I didn’t have so many friends and spent most of my time out of school taking all sorts of lessons, studying piano, riding horses, didn’t feel like so much fun! I’ve been to more parties with my parents as a little kid than I had with my friends growing up (which I believe I made up for afterwards) so the main style of dance music that was etched in my head during my upbringing was 80s electro and disco. Not sure if I’m expected to marry anymore, although I’m sure they’d be pretty happy if I married anyone!

Interesting, yet subtle. It is a coital refreshment to witness a woman of both fomenting intellect and sexual perspicacity grace the highest echelons of the electronic music circuit. Not since DJ Irene has the FTVS boner/brain dialectic been so rigorously stimulated. Please review this video (see below) and share with us what you feel you have yet to learn from the sensually virile DJ Irene.

I need to learn some cool dance moves.

Yes, yes you do. As you are certainly and cogently aware, one FTVS founding editor refused an impotent scholarship offer to pursue his PhD in Political Theory at a famous university on the isle of Manhattan, while the other is completing his PhD in Economics somewhere in California. The point, if one can be found, is this: is it both necessary and sufficient to have a PhD to impress you, Ms. Kurtel? In other words, if the objective is to explore your physical and metaphysical curvatures, must Bob go back to school and acquire his doctorate? Or would you settle for Jack and his sexually banal yet quantitatively astute PhD?

If the objective is to explore curvatures you might be better off exploring someone else, as I’m pretty flat physically — and metaphysically.

Both our mind and member disagree, but we must forge onward with this discussion. FTVS is quite certain, of course, that you are the Iannis Xenakis of the 21st century. How did your time at Columbia’s ISERP shape the mostly correct theology of your music?

Really funny … I’m sure there is a lot that influenced me indirectly but one direct influence I can remember is being inspired by studying mapping in set theory in a math class to map sound (first other people’s music, and then my own music) to color, using LEDs.  I’m working on implementing this on my live shows.

We digress. You will recall that the FTVS readership yearns for human interest stories from the exotic world of techno music’s most esteemed vendors. Accordingly, who is more nectarous when dealing with the sweet babies: Jamie Jones or Seth Troxler? FTVS observes that both men are in possession of inspiring hair follicles. Do you know if the carpet matches the table cloth and napkins, as we say in San Francisco?

I’ve seen Jamie more than Seth (who I’ve seen once) on the tour so far so I’ve been seeing quite a lot of sweet babies wanting to deal with Jamie (true story!). And the carpet definitely matches the table cloth, oh and napkins of course.

If your music was a statistic it would be (explain):
(a) sufficient
(b) complete
(c) complete and sufficient
(d) anscillary

I’ll leave that to your readership to decide.

What stochastic process best characterizes your personal and perhaps sexual life (explain):
(a) Brownian motion
(b) Martingales
(c) Markov process
(FYI: Jack Colt’s is characterized by Markov, a result of heavy self-dosings of rophynol, which usually prevents his ability to recall, well, anything.)

Well, I try to learn from my past but don’t let it spoil a fresh start, so a bit of both Martingales and Markov.

What is the role of gender when one is gurning on the donkey dust at 5am EST in the Marcy Hotel?

The role of gender at 5am at the Marcy is girls start really getting down, but there is no grinding because it’s all about the music.

Like most other aspiring musicians and DJs who are subjected to the blinding sunshine that is the FTVS spotlight, your life will certainly change once this interview is published. Fame, glory, theology and geometry will present themselves to you in ways previously unforeseen. Accordingly, will you commit to purchasing FTVS editors a drink at your show in San Francisco on February 26? Do you want to have a sleepover?

For sure!  I’m afraid there’s no time for a sleepover though as we head to LA right after. Maybe next time.

No, this time. Tell us about 2010 for Deniz Kurtel. Tell us about your album and your art. Tell us everything. Also, have you heard of sexting and what is your mobile phone number?

Album is almost done, it will probably be out sometime in the summer.  I’ve built my LED installation that I’m using for a few of the main shows during the RebelRave tour, which I’m working on improving as I go along.  I’m doing some of the RebelRave dates in the US till Miami WMC and in Europe till June. We’ll see what happens after that. Perhaps some cool projects with Gadi’s new label Double Standard.  Sure I’ve heard of sexting. My number is 888 382 3483. +69 if you’re dialing from San Fran.

That was the best sext you have ever had. You are welcome for this interview Deniz. You have achieved maximum coital satisfaction and your toes will continue to be numb for perhaps 24 hours. We look forward to seeing you at Mighty in San Francisco on Friday night, and will gladly join you in your bunk on the tour bus for the ride to your gig on Saturday evening in Los Angeles.

Party Slut: RebelRave or Die

As any al-Qaeda operative will tell you, an endorsement from FTVS is more influential than Allah’s consent and seventy two (72) unsullied virgins. FTVS does not endorse al-Qaeda but does genitally and theologically endorse the upcoming RebelRave event in San Francisco on February 26, and perhaps also in Los Angeles the proceeding eve. Even the most nescient of sexual Luddites will recall that RebelRave is the touring incarnation of the resplendently titillating Crosstown Rebels record label.

Headlined by the perpetually agreeable and coitally amenable Damian Lazarus, with procreative support from FTVS favorite Jamie Jones, not to mention 2010’s wet-dreamed statistician Deniz Kurtel and the fearless sexual icon Seth Troxler, this event will posolutely make the sweet babies rave, squeal and ostensibly gush with glee. It is without saying that FTVS editor Jack Colt will be in attendance to assist the said babies in reaching maximum satisfaction.

Occurring at Mighty, San Francisco’s most diaphanous nightclub with San Francisco’s most pulverizing soundsystem, the event is hosted by the lasciviously prurient Listed Productions family. RebelRave TV, Crosstown Rebels pornographic documentary series, will be recording segments of the Bay area event, soon to be aired on Comcast’s A&R Channel.

FTVS has never led its readership astray with our steroidal recommendations. As such, it is both extolled and demanded of you to buy tickets ahead of time, because this fervid slut of a show will sell out.

Party Slut: This Weekend in Color

Times are tough dear readers, and choosing a party is tougher.

But if you feel like times couldn’t be worse, gain some fucking perspective — had the Nazis won the war, you’d most likely be dancing the Sprachinseltänze or Bandltanz with a star on your sleeve to Hofbräuhaus Electro at das Avalon  this Friday night. Instead, thanks to Fortuna’s generous ovaries, America defoliated Germany after she date-raped France, repeatedly, and this weekend is your chance to fully appreciate the sexual meaning of this historiographical gang-bang.

Friday night is at Temporary Space 2 with Monseigneur D’Julz alongside Droog for what might be the last week of hibernation before the return of the Culprit Sessions at the gloriously erected Standard Hotel Rooftop. Yes readers, Friday at TS2 might be your last chance to get all Nic Cage on the nubuile, Korean sweet-babies that abound at this fine venue.

Saturday is at San Francisco’s oldest underground dance institution, The Endup, with German part-time baker Dixon leading the uber sexual Seth Troxler in shorts as tights as Fortuna’s  glory hole is gaping. This, to put it simply, should be experienced.

An extravagant end of the week you might think, but considering there are only two kinds of FTVS readers in this cuntish recession — the employed kind for whom things are looking brighter, and the unemployed kind for whom things are looking increasingly like the inside of Satan’s rectum — FTVS urges you to swipe the plastic.

Music Slut: Ralph Lawson January 2010 Mix

Readers, Mr. Ralph Lawson, honcho of one of the world’s most consistently erogenous record labels, 20:20 Vision, has concocted a delicious mix that will stimulate your coital muscles and your urethral openings. Of course, since FTVS first heard Random Factor’s On the Air EP before the millennial turn, Fortuna’s hermaphroditic boner has remained faithfully orthogonal to the 20:20 Vision catalog.

This mix also begs the most important question of this decade: why haven’t more US promoters put their pussies into their proverbial ponytails and coughed up the reasonable fiscal fee to contractually obligate this man to perform on this side of the Atlantic.

FTVS yearns to hear Mr. Lawson at the Standard Rooftop during summer 2010, and the follicles on Fortuna’s vicious vagina stand on end at such a prospect.

Download it HERE.