Readers, sometimes we just need a little bit more 80s Negro action in our lives. FTVS does not really need this because of course Grace Jones and Carl Weathers are both interns in our office.
Still, the videos below will assist in stimulating those of you undernourished by a lack of African American companions. Spice up your day and let the theology and geometry of Black Sex take you over.
Readers, this interview tested the extreme limits of lust and erotogenic mutuality. While our readership has come to expect nothing less than the most groundbreaking catechisms and inquests from the brilliant yet seductive FTVS staff, we surprised even ourselves with this dialogue, entering a previously unattainable arena of sexuality and theology.
The hedonic, erotic connection between FTVS and Deniz Kurtel is strong, perhaps too strong. Read on, but first be sure to lay down, for this interview will cause a rush of blood to the (phallic) head so robust you will likely faint at least three (3) times.
Let us commence.
Deniz, trusted sources indicate that you are the spawn of “mining magnates turned championship racehorse breeders”. This suggests FTVS has read about you in a Dominic Dunne article, or has seen your family caricaturised in a Bond film. Please give us five (5) sentences about your upbringing in the Anatolian Peninsula. Also, are you expected to marry an aristocrat (please note that the blood of FTVS industrialists Bob Albatross and Jack Colt is very blue)?
I lived in Turkey till I was 18, and had a very close relationship with my parents growing up. My mom’s world consisted of making/teaching/sponsoring art, and she took me and my sister everywhere she went so we grew up in her art world. My father was obsessed with the sea so we spent 3-4 months of every year on the boat, definitely the best times of my life. I didn’t have so many friends and spent most of my time out of school taking all sorts of lessons, studying piano, riding horses, didn’t feel like so much fun! I’ve been to more parties with my parents as a little kid than I had with my friends growing up (which I believe I made up for afterwards) so the main style of dance music that was etched in my head during my upbringing was 80s electro and disco. Not sure if I’m expected to marry anymore, although I’m sure they’d be pretty happy if I married anyone!
Interesting, yet subtle. It is a coital refreshment to witness a woman of both fomenting intellect and sexual perspicacity grace the highest echelons of the electronic music circuit. Not since DJ Irene has the FTVS boner/brain dialectic been so rigorously stimulated. Please review this video (see below) and share with us what you feel you have yet to learn from the sensually virile DJ Irene.
I need to learn some cool dance moves.
Yes, yes you do. As you are certainly and cogently aware, one FTVS founding editor refused an impotent scholarship offer to pursue his PhD in Political Theory at a famous university on the isle of Manhattan, while the other is completing his PhD in Economics somewhere in California. The point, if one can be found, is this: is it both necessary and sufficient to have a PhD to impress you, Ms. Kurtel? In other words, if the objective is to explore your physical and metaphysical curvatures, must Bob go back to school and acquire his doctorate? Or would you settle for Jack and his sexually banal yet quantitatively astute PhD?
If the objective is to explore curvatures you might be better off exploring someone else, as I’m pretty flat physically — and metaphysically.
Both our mind and member disagree, but we must forge onward with this discussion. FTVS is quite certain, of course, that you are the Iannis Xenakis of the 21st century. How did your time at Columbia’s ISERP shape the mostly correct theology of your music?
Really funny … I’m sure there is a lot that influenced me indirectly but one direct influence I can remember is being inspired by studying mapping in set theory in a math class to map sound (first other people’s music, and then my own music) to color, using LEDs. I’m working on implementing this on my live shows.
We digress. You will recall that the FTVS readership yearns for human interest stories from the exotic world of techno music’s most esteemed vendors. Accordingly, who is more nectarous when dealing with the sweet babies: Jamie Jones or Seth Troxler? FTVS observes that both men are in possession of inspiring hair follicles. Do you know if the carpet matches the table cloth and napkins, as we say in San Francisco?
I’ve seen Jamie more than Seth (who I’ve seen once) on the tour so far so I’ve been seeing quite a lot of sweet babies wanting to deal with Jamie (true story!). And the carpet definitely matches the table cloth, oh and napkins of course.
If your music was a statistic it would be (explain):
(a) sufficient
(b) complete
(c) complete and sufficient
(d) anscillary
I’ll leave that to your readership to decide.
What stochastic process best characterizes your personal and perhaps sexual life (explain):
(a) Brownian motion
(b) Martingales
(c) Markov process
(FYI: Jack Colt’s is characterized by Markov, a result of heavy self-dosings of rophynol, which usually prevents his ability to recall, well, anything.)
Well, I try to learn from my past but don’t let it spoil a fresh start, so a bit of both Martingales and Markov.
What is the role of gender when one is gurning on the donkey dust at 5am EST in the Marcy Hotel?
The role of gender at 5am at the Marcy is girls start really getting down, but there is no grinding because it’s all about the music.
Like most other aspiring musicians and DJs who are subjected to the blinding sunshine that is the FTVS spotlight, your life will certainly change once this interview is published. Fame, glory, theology and geometry will present themselves to you in ways previously unforeseen. Accordingly, will you commit to purchasing FTVS editors a drink at your show in San Francisco on February 26? Do you want to have a sleepover?
For sure! I’m afraid there’s no time for a sleepover though as we head to LA right after. Maybe next time.
No, this time. Tell us about 2010 for Deniz Kurtel. Tell us about your album and your art. Tell us everything. Also, have you heard of sexting and what is your mobile phone number?
Album is almost done, it will probably be out sometime in the summer. I’ve built my LED installation that I’m using for a few of the main shows during the RebelRave tour, which I’m working on improving as I go along. I’m doing some of the RebelRave dates in the US till Miami WMC and in Europe till June. We’ll see what happens after that. Perhaps some cool projects with Gadi’s new label Double Standard. Sure I’ve heard of sexting. My number is 888 382 3483. +69 if you’re dialing from San Fran.
That was the best sext you have ever had. You are welcome for this interview Deniz. You have achieved maximum coital satisfaction and your toes will continue to be numb for perhaps 24 hours. We look forward to seeing you at Mighty in San Francisco on Friday night, and will gladly join you in your bunk on the tour bus for the ride to your gig on Saturday evening in Los Angeles.
As any al-Qaeda operative will tell you, an endorsement from FTVS is more influential than Allah’s consent and seventy two (72) unsullied virgins. FTVS does not endorse al-Qaeda but does genitally and theologically endorse the upcoming RebelRave event in San Francisco on February 26, and perhaps also in Los Angeles the proceeding eve. Even the most nescient of sexual Luddites will recall that RebelRave is the touring incarnation of the resplendently titillating Crosstown Rebels record label.
Headlined by the perpetually agreeable and coitally amenable Damian Lazarus, with procreative support from FTVS favorite Jamie Jones, not to mention 2010’s wet-dreamed statistician Deniz Kurtel and the fearless sexual icon Seth Troxler, this event will posolutely make the sweet babies rave, squeal and ostensibly gush with glee. It is without saying that FTVS editor Jack Colt will be in attendance to assist the said babies in reaching maximum satisfaction.
Occurring at Mighty, San Francisco’s most diaphanous nightclub with San Francisco’s most pulverizing soundsystem, the event is hosted by the lasciviously prurient Listed Productions family. RebelRave TV, Crosstown Rebels pornographic documentary series, will be recording segments of the Bay area event, soon to be aired on Comcast’s A&R Channel.
FTVS has never led its readership astray with our steroidal recommendations. As such, it is both extolled and demanded of you to buy tickets ahead of time, because this fervid slut of a show will sell out.
Times are tough dear readers, and choosing a party is tougher.
But if you feel like times couldn’t be worse, gain some fucking perspective — had the Nazis won the war, you’d most likely be dancing the Sprachinseltänze or Bandltanz with a star on your sleeve to Hofbräuhaus Electro at das Avalon this Friday night. Instead, thanks to Fortuna’s generous ovaries, America defoliated Germany after she date-raped France, repeatedly, and this weekend is your chance to fully appreciate the sexual meaning of this historiographical gang-bang.
Friday night is at Temporary Space 2 with Monseigneur D’Julz alongside Droog for what might be the last week of hibernation before the return of the Culprit Sessions at the gloriously erected Standard Hotel Rooftop. Yes readers, Friday at TS2 might be your last chance to get all Nic Cage on the nubuile, Korean sweet-babies that abound at this fine venue.
Saturday is at San Francisco’s oldest underground dance institution, The Endup, with German part-time baker Dixon leading the uber sexual Seth Troxler in shorts as tights as Fortuna’s glory hole is gaping. This, to put it simply, should be experienced.
An extravagant end of the week you might think, but considering there are only two kinds of FTVS readers in this cuntish recession — the employed kind for whom things are looking brighter, and the unemployed kind for whom things are looking increasingly like the inside of Satan’s rectum — FTVS urges you to swipe the plastic.
Readers, Mr. Ralph Lawson, honcho of one of the world’s most consistently erogenous record labels, 20:20 Vision, has concocted a delicious mix that will stimulate your coital muscles and your urethral openings. Of course, since FTVS first heard Random Factor’s On the Air EP before the millennial turn, Fortuna’s hermaphroditic boner has remained faithfully orthogonal to the 20:20 Vision catalog.
This mix also begs the most important question of this decade: why haven’t more US promoters put their pussies into their proverbial ponytails and coughed up the reasonable fiscal fee to contractually obligate this man to perform on this side of the Atlantic.
FTVS yearns to hear Mr. Lawson at the Standard Rooftop during summer 2010, and the follicles on Fortuna’s vicious vagina stand on end at such a prospect.
FTVS paramours Adultnapper and Mr. C today released their newest collaboration as the Sycophant Slags. This suavely inebriated rocker features the highly-sexed Mr. C’s vocals spreading themselves across Adultnapper’s carnal compression, not unlike a seasoned prostitute taking a stroll on L. Ron Hubbard’s spaceship.
Ariel Danziger is in command of the video, and is quickly becoming an FTVS favorite with a growing casserole of mostly geometric musical movies including Passion Pit’s The Reeling.
The LP is available February 2nd on Steve Bug’s Poker Flat Recordings, and features an ambrosial remix by FTVS’s favorite German beards, the tragically defunct Wighnomy Brothers. Pretend like it’s 2002 and go find the vinyl at your favorite local disc retailer.
A 303 on overdrive is not unlike a flock of prostitutes in a Javanese bordello staring at you on sweaty winter afternoon. More sexual perhaps, but equally invigorating. Congruently, it also brings with it the prospect of satisfying the most perverted and decadent of fetishes, albeit with the sweet prospect of a long-lasting rash and unforgettable itch.
George Bancroft, anticipating the rise of the samplers, and the cheap production techniques from the late 1970s, once wrote “Each generation gathers together the imperishable children of the past, and increases them by new sons of light, alike radiant with immortality.” Sadly, the children of the electronic music past are for the most part a rotting pile of wax curated by your lunatic neighbor who puts peanut butter on his balls on Sunday afternoons.
Exceptions do exist, however, and three of them will be unifying this weekend. Roam Music, together with the inimitable Sublevel, is taking the past by his sagging balls and is bringing you Doc Martin, Michael Cook, and Mark Lewis this Saturday in a warehouse on the outskirts of downtown Los Angeles. Support from Droog of course guarantees the female attendance at this event will be groundbreaking, and the overall musical curation will be nothing short of completely fuckable. Yes, readers, you will want to penetrate this music and if you consume enough narcotic, we are sure you will find a way to do so.
Music, dear readers, is transcendental only on the rarest of occasions. More frequently, it is just disappointing and not worth the effort, like sex with a white girl.
Unsurprisingly then, FTVS’s musical loins have largely gone sterile and flaccid since discovering Treal Lee and Prince Rick in September of 2009. Nothing compared… Until now.
Indeed, the songs below speak not only to the mind and heart but also the nose and phallus. FTVS’s loins heave like a birthing cow’s utters in response. But do not simply take the FTVS word as bond (although it is, fully bond). Instead, listen to what the indefatigably phrenic populace is saying about “It’s So Cold in the D“:
Datboujie says “da beat qood n da lyrics mad str8 dey jus ain present it qood at all dey suck buh if dey would make it better n more proffessional soundin it would b mad str8“.
Mzzpennay says “yo..nooo..wtf was dat..? no rlly wat da fuqk was dat…not only did da rappinq sucked but da video jus helped it suck even worst…no she is banned from rappinq,singinq and video makinq…smdh.” (Editor’s note: SMDH refers to the very subtle phrase, “Suck My Dick Ho”)
Sadly, comments were disabled for the smash hit “Smell Yo Dick”, but only because the public’s reaction was too immense. Google’s server was unprepared.
If only FTVS had the red shine.
–
God damn it readers, the holiday season left FTVS showered in gifts and golden liquid.
As world media outlets reported, FTVS headquartered herself at the Standard Hotel’s Rooftop Bar in Downtown LA on the New Year Evening and New Year Day to sample the offerings of the Culprit family. This sequence of events, extending over thirty-six (36) hours, was certainly the musical and celebratory equivalent to an evening long mouthparty.
The evening at this protruding Angelean structure in the heart of Los Angeles saw FTVS vigorously yet not quite vaginally indulge in a reunion with Mr. C, and of course converse with Mr. Zamias about the progeny of robust facial hair and sweetbaby mustache rides (though neither party remembers). Simultaneously, FTVS did her best not to spill drinks on Lee Foss‘ CDJs. Perhaps most importantly, FTVS was able to conclude that Mr. Andrei Osyka is decisively the most gentlemanly of all gentlemen. His cohort, Mr. Justin Sloe, comes in a close second, lacking only in gallant tenderness and blue eyes. The jury is still out on the third Droog.
Actual photographs and footage shot under the direction of Jack Colt documenting the aforementioned festivities have been confiscated by the Department of Justice. Johnny Cochran is working for FTVS to recover groundbreakingly incriminating materials. Incisive coverage will be revealed in the days to come, once prudence has been revivified. Understand this, you cuntish fiends: FTVS celebrated with extreme prejudice, and did not, as always, forget to not use condoms.
Readers, we are all of common mind when discussing Massive Attack: they are a trinity of sublimity, courtesy of members 3D, Mushroom, and of course Daddy G. [Editor's Note: If you have not let your ears bear witness to Daddy G's DJ Kicks compilation, you are deserving of a swift kick to the testiculars, because it is a facefuckingly good time.]
And Massive Attack is analogous to FTVS insofar as it is bi-racial and groundbreaking. The video below, which is notably unsafe for work but certainly safe for stimulating bloodflow to the phallus, is the most recent item evidencing the band’s continued relevance and girth.
Enjoy, and do not share the video with your children, unless they are very mature.
Paul Valery wrote Les opinions des personnes qui n'ont pas refait leur esprit selon leurs besoins réels et leurs pouvoirs vérifiables -- n'ont aucune importance qualitative. His aphorism captures the will of FTVS to bring to the masses quality, informed, and unapologetic reflections and commentaries on the state, potential state, and future state of the world.
FTVS is BA, KP, and JC. Three educated young men currently residing in the USA who spent the last three years actively studying the human condition by living and traveling together. We have occasionally fornicated with each other's women.
