Category Archives: Opinion

Culture Slut: Billy Dee Williams Asks “Why Take Chances?”

Some things are better than words but no things are better than Billy Dee Williams. He is the original erogenous black man.

FTVS often asks: should we risk child support liability and allow the full release to occur inside? Can we place so much sexual kismet in Fortuna’s petite if not calloused hands? Of course, FTVS errs on the side of caution — why take chances? — and always pulls out. Leaving it on the tummy is also nice, and is the ultimate prophylactic.

Yes, Billy Dee, of course.

Film Slut: Dirty Pictures

While UC Berkeley is currently nurturing a nasty crop of Keynesian syphilis among its Economics department,  Cal’s Chemistry department remains at the forefront of theological psychotropic exploration.

These groundbreaking seeds were initially sown by FTVS’s favorite mind explorer and Cal alum Alexander Shulgin (co-author of the penis-inflating monographs PiHKAL and TiHKAL). Dr. Shulgin is the subject of a new documentary, which weaves a tapestry of narcotic libertarianism.  Yes, Shulgin created, synthesized and self-tested more than two hundred (200) mind-altering chemical compounds. The film is inappropriately titled Dirty Pictures, and does not include gratuitous footage of the cocks or vagines.

Product Slut: Apple iPad to Extinguish JazzMutant Lemur?

MIDI controllers are to live PAs what dildos and strap-ons are to lesbian porn and long bus rides: essential and very nice. Among the glamorous bunch, the Monome open source concept and JazzMutant are the choice of the riches. Until today, perhaps.

A theologically and surgically resurrected Steve Jobs announced today the release of the highly sexed and thoroughly menstruated iPad. With so much geometry it looks like it may render the docile Lemur extinct. We shall see, dear reader, what Fortuna has in store. If nothing else, the iPad will force the MIDI controller market to innovate and masturbate at a much faster rate, like Bob Albatross in an airplane lavatory.

Film Slut: Jungle’s Genealogy

To the uninitiated FTVS reader, the history of Jungle and Drum ‘n Bass might appear long and dark, not unlike the negro phallus. However, it is in fact short and pallid, not unlike the honkey phallus. Yes, dear reader, this is besides the point. Phallus girth and pigment are not the issue.

The issue is that Jungle/DnB is perhaps the most athletic genre within the mutating electronic rubric, yet it suffers greatly from the preponderantly hideous constituency it attracts under its passive yet sustained reign. The “Junglist” demographic: pasty Caucasian males in their twenties with strong afflictions for crystal meth, low-slung baseball hats, acne, delusional elitism, hoodies, camouflage apparel, Technics clothing, and of course Technics camouflage hoodies.

To put it simply, self-identifying Junglists tend to look like Gollum and Deadmau5’s bastard child; and female followers that indulge in and enjoy the quick-tempoed brokenbeats tend to be rave scabs.

All of this is quite distressing, considering that the genre itself is robust and infinitely more sex-provoking than the current shitwave of releases under the moniker of electro (or whatever degenerate genre it is that is so wrongly masturbated by other online publications).

So, the point is this: the documentary below displays the origins of the jungle movement, and is worthy of your devoted perusal.

Surf Slut: Too Big for Gidget

Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true. (Bodhi, 1991)

The Women World Championship Tour (WCT) of Surfing is to the men WCT what the Paralympics are to the the Olympic Games: a cacophonous assortment of individuals watched by no one, and solely organized to avoid riots from retarded lobby groups.

Women surfers proved on numerous occasion to be a strange breed of human that is often difficult to understand. The astute FTVS surfer recalls the immensely entertaining “surf off” between Layne Beachley and Andy Irons a few years ago. The aforementioned fiasco revealed a hint of delusion of grandeur pervasive in female professional surfing.

A recent picture of Western Australian Claire Bevilacqua conveys a somehow confusing message: Girl or Sexy transsexual? Jack Colt remembers sharing waves on occasion with Mrs. Bevilacqua at the lackluster Brighton Beach in Perth Northern Suburbs before the World Tour and before her steroid enhanced diet. Her mutation is disconcerting.

Back to the topic. While most of you on the good Californian shore are dusting your step-up boards for the Thanksgiving weekend, and our islander brothers already enjoyed an early Waimea, the North Shore Venuses are calling it a quit: it is too big. FTVS understands too big, too small, too thick, too dry, and too soon are common phrases from the vaginized sex, but ponder whether they are appropriate in surfing.

Music Slut: Dreamwave and Yacht Funk, Thank You L.A.

FTVS believed it had located the most discerning weblog in the universe of electronic music (renowned for its remarkably exclusive interviews), but apparently this jewel of netspace has some competition from Binary.

The following excerpt, discussing sonic tapestries by the likes of Sebastien Tellier and Lifelike, left the FTVS editorial staff feeling entirely inadequate:

I like to think that all of this stuff falls under the umbrella of “dreamwave”…simply because there are sooo many different musical elements that can make a song unique enough to classify it in a new way, and that’s why we have sooo many different genre names in music in general, but especially in dance music. Dreamwave was created to classify stuff that was more fitting as the embodiment of an idea rather than a style of music. It’s more about the approach taken towards the music. It’s about the spirit that is captured in that song. It’s about embracing melody and song and it’s about experimentation in electronic sonic beautification. So yeah, it’s nice to see everything evolve. And it’s nice to see these ideals spread to music that is drawing its influence from other places.

Jesus Lee Fucking Harvey Oswald Christ. Consecrate! Dreamwave! Electronic music has hereby been baptized.

Dreamwave: the embodiment of an idea.

It is tempting to examine and massage each individual sentence in the paragraph displayed above, but FTVS does not accede to seduction easily. Nonetheless, it is of supreme importance to note that one locution in particular — “It’s about embracing melody and song and it’s about experimentation in electronic beautification” — is irrevocably the most graceful sonnet to ever be keyed with a qwerty peripheral. Yates, Keats and Frost are most certainly stimulating their formaldehyde-imbibed phalluses from their graves to this penetrating eloquence.

Rest assured FTVS has dispersed an urgent message to good friend Laurent Heinrich, also known as Lifelike, to get his perspective on this superior classification (please note that a strong sense of inclusion and belonging is aroused from acknowledging DJs by their given names). A creeping hunch suggests that dearest Laurent H. will joyously laugh and then vomit with benediction — an understandable reaction.

Censorship has never been so unnecessary! These unstoppable virtuosos also coined the long overdue term Yacht Funk for an entirely separate genre. Stacey Pullen, Jeff Mills, S Club 7 and Carl Craig may all lay their heads to rest knowing these melodic sects have been given their own parlance.

There must be something, dear reader, in the Los Angelean water, something subtle and quite frankly intangible, which allows for such journalistic mastery.

Q&A Slut: Biracial is the New Black

The media maelstrom continues tenaciously. Was FTVS culturally, ethnically, dare we say it, racially insensitive when using the term mulatto in its most recent exposé on Obama’s groundbreaking trip to San Francisco?

Let us be pellucidly clear: FTVS endorses President Barack Obama. Let us expand upon this unprecedented salience: FTVS endorses multi-racial sex parties and multi-racial marriage and also multi-racial reproduction — why else would Tiger Woods be on our advisory board?

FTVS believes that the world would be a much more gratifying locale were all generative procreations conducted by people of heterogeneous progenies! What does that mean? That interracial sexing is superior and exquisite, of course.

Consider what racially uniform reproduction brought us: Tara Reid, Adolf Hitler, Whoopi Goldberg, Ashton Kutcher, Star Jones, Michael Moore, Kim Jong Il — the list of human stains flows relentlessly from the gates of phyletic singularity.

Sweet Rashida.

Sweet Rashida, delivering her trademark come-hither gaze to Jack Colt (sex only).

Now consider what bi/multi-racial copulation has brought us: Rashida Jones. See the picture to your left for evidence of the strong and violently positive correlation between racially incongruous coition and epicurean symmetry. Need more evidence? Lou Diamond Philips. Delicious. More yet? Alicia Keys. Dear lord, her rotund ass is a smörgåsbord of miracles!

So what is the point, aside from all the points we have already made?

It is whether or not the term mulatto is racist, of course. FTVS thinks it is more a compliment than a derogation, but also knows that etymology can be a bitch.

Please click here and here for answers to the questions FTVS has already answered for you. A groundbreaking statistically economic model was developed to acquire the world’s foremost experts on racial archetypes and etymological quandaries, thus all answers provided by Yahoo are irrevocably unreliable.

Culture Slut: The FTVS Roman Polanski Award

FTVS is very pleased to announce its newest award, similar to the Pulitzer Prize but with more prestige and underage sodomy. The FTVS Roman Polanksi Award celebrates the finest things in subversive reproductive deviance – also known as surprise sex.

For this inaugural dispersal of dominion and eminence, FTVS feels it is very important to give the award to Roman Polanski. He has flawlessly engineered sex with underage girls for decades, always with the utmost protection (Quaaludes) and an intricate, circumscribed disregard for American injustice. Instead, he marches to his own beat, and beats off to females who are at the height of their capacity to enjoy Powerpuff Girls.

Roman, an avid FTVS reader, has always understood that the true value of fame lies not in the free hair products or the fast boats. No. It is the undying allegiance of Whoopi Goldberg (black Jew: amazing), the Weinsten brothers (fat Jews: sort of amazing), and France (not Jew: not amazing at all).

FTVS stands in solidarity with Roman. He will not be forgotten. Drugging and sexually abusing a young woman is forever, like diamonds.

Write caption here

Roman Rajmund Pola?ski, accepting his FTVS Roman Polanski Award - the most prestigious acknowledgment of his career.

Culture Slut: America Loves Animals

Jack Colt, scoring in G Land.

Jack Colt, scoring in G Land.

America hates animals like Charles Manson loves Jews. The question is this: were a man to fornicate a male horse, is said man indulging in a homosexual act? If a woman suckles a juvenile dog’s lipstick cock, is said woman satiating her pederastic compulsions?

What comes first in normed categories: species, gender, or age?

Ruminations, for the mind and soul.

Please peruse these case studies, and leave your comments in the box below.

Exhibit A.
Exhibit B.

Culture Slut: Scholars and Sweet Babies

zizek_wed-784030There typically exists an inverse correlation between an academic’s prominence and the droopiness of his matron’s labia and/or jowls. Slavoj Zizek does more than merely offer an exception to the rule, he sadistically waterboards it in a rusty vat of bull semen.

FTVS by no means venerates the Horkheimean, proto-Marxist drivel that Slavvy (as his friends refer to him) repulsively spits at his audiences, but we do applaud his capacity to endear and subsequently penetrate scorching Argentinean ass.

What is his recipe? Groundbreaking research suggests it may indeed be a hermeneutic form of rophynol, also known as the love drug.

FTVS would greatly appreciate acquiring this potent, slow-release recipe of chemical goodness. Evidence indicates it is exclusively sheathed by several accomplished yet physically maladroit scholars, such as Zizek and Stephen Hawking. How else can one explain their lavish spoils of tender lips and smooth, soft buttocks?

Most importantly, acquiring this sleepy love elixir would significantly unburden the FTVS operating budget. FTVS’s coffers are syphoned to Jack Colt’s abysmal thirst for puerile Indonesian jiggy jig, and the inevitable bail surcharge that regularly follows. These expenditures have skyrocketed  particularly over the past 10 days. FTVS interns visit Western Union on Mr. Colt’s behalf most mornings – such is the price of fame, teen lust, and an unbridled appetite for decency.