Category Archives: Public Service Announcement

PSA Slut: Size Does Matter When Inserting Sea Animals In Anus

Eels, maximum pleasure, maximum danger.

Readers, FTVS is first and foremost a source of public health and safety, an almanac of medicality and biological guidance. It is why Kathleen Sebelius frequently stops by the office for a game of find-the-gherkin.

Ever since FTVS featured a glowing review of Shane Smith‘s documentary Genki and The Art of Eel Porn, FTVS readers around the planet have indulged in the sweet and deliciously electrifying rectal insertion of our black little friend, the eel.

Sadly last week, long time FTVS reader Hao Xing suffered a most untimely death after being subjected to a surprise insertion of a fifty (50) centimeter Asian specimen in his rectum.

Yes, dear reader, eels, like penises and dildos, come in different sizes and colors, and while they can all be very capable of massaging the prostate, larger eels are known to be capable of also eating the prostate and its surrounding tissues, which, in the case of our friend Hao Xing, can be lethal.

Of course, FTVS always advises you to play roulette with that heathen trollop Fortuna, and if sticking an eel in your fur burger is the only way you can achieve maximum satisfaction, then let nothing stop you.

PSA Slut: European Chickens Cause Homosexuality (Indeed)

A Man Fucking a Chicken, Lui Ding 2007

Bolivian President Evo Morales announced last week (at the World People’s Conference on Climate Change and the Rights of Mother Earth) that European chickens are the primary source of homosexuality and male baldness.

FTVS, as the last bastion of rigorous scientific geometry, decided to put this bold claim through an ascetic yet empirically normative test.

The test subjects were none other than FTVS Senior Editors Jack Colt and Bob Albatross. Careful inspection of the editors’ scalps revealed a receding hairline on Jack Colt, and a proceeding hairline on Albatross. A historiographical study of their diets and feces over the past twenty (20) years confirmed Colt was fed European chickens as an infant, while Albatross exclusively consumed only the finest Canadian poultry.

Thus, because Jack Colt was the sole editor to consume significant doses of Euro-trash fowl, it was he who was selected to proceed on with the study. Bob Albatross may or may not have tagged along for moral support.

Jack Colt was given 200mg of rophynol and was thrown in San Francisco’s famous Steamworks Bathhouse for twelve (12) consecutive hours. Careful examination of Mr. Colt’s prostate and rectum after the experiment revealed repeated acts of joyous homosexual intercourse.

In lieu of the above finding we advise all FTVS readers who may have been in contact with European chickens to stay at home and avoid any contact with male individuals. Alternatively, FTVS advises that you may instead want to buy a one way ticket to the Castro to better understand if you too have ever eaten the gay bird.

The point, however, is not the latent and blatant homosexuality that pervades FTVS editors. Rather, the point is that Evo Morales is amazing. And probably gay, if not bald.

PSA Slut: FTVS goes Pay-Per-View

Dear reader, since the year two thousand and nine (2009), your life and loins have swelled freely with the most geometrically economical content on the internets. No longer! The time has come for FTVS to follow her intellectually inferior cousin, the Wall Street Journal, and capitalize on her entrepreneurial and coital talent.

Starting today, the FTVS team is pleased to offer you the right to orgasm off of forthcoming FTVS content for only $18.99 (+ taxes) per month. FTVS is, in essence, the new Rupert Murdoch, but younger and with longer lasting erections and a smaller prostate.


PSA Slut: FTVS Editors Brawl over Deniz Kurtel, FTVS Output Negatively Affected

Readers, sometimes life throws lemons at you, in which case it is very advisable that you self-medicate with rophynol and reacquaint yourself with PornHub.

This past week, FTVS editors found themselves in a mutual lemon, when what started as a groundbreaking and exclusive interview of young female producer Deniz Kurtel escalated into organized warfare at the FTVS office.

While the exact source of the conflict remains unclear, rumor circulated about a Jack Colt receiving a ‘hug’ from the aforementioned sex icon, while Bob Albatross received nothing.

Output from the two FTVS editors dropped immediately to zero (0). The shock propagated very quickly in the FTVS office through various coital and non-coital channels, leading to a complete halt of content output. Similar to Corey Haim, FTVS has been rendered inert.

One hundred and six (106) hours after the crisis (aka Kurtelgate) began, the two heroes understood business could perhaps remain mixed with pleasure on the condition that the mixing is to be performed simultaneously (i.e. group sex). Video of the altercation is below, and FTVS is glad to report it is back online, sort of.

Q&A Slut: Is It Acceptable to (Not) Masturbate on an Airplane?

Thoughtful readers, what is the more benevolent of Fortuna’s gifts?

A) Providing mankind with the ability to practice the art of flight via airplane or B) Providing humanity with the capacity to fondle the erogenous musculars and spelunk the coital caverns?

In other words, mankind is able to fly, and mankind is able to she-bop the goo-gun. Which is more profound? Thankfully this is not important, because these gifts can be merged.

Quite literally, Fortuna encourages us to coalesce these two activities  at each and every opportunity. It is our sacramental duty as 21st century men and women to disregard TSA and PETA warnings and flog the bottle-nosed-dolphin whilst engaging in commercial airline flight.

Need more proof? Please visit our friends at Yahoo! Answers for a more nuanced understanding of what this really means.

PSA Slut (1967 Edition): LSD-25 Friend or Foe?

The greatest doctor once said “I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence or insanity to anyone, but they’ve always worked for me.” FTVS staff, on the other hand, jovially advocates for the golden quartet; it usually and perhaps always contributes to the procreation of groundbreaking FTVS content.

Can you imagine what would become of the FTVS Exclusive Interviews, and sometime Uninterviews, without this potent potpourri of all four (4) ingredients? Of course you can not, it is too depressing.

The point is, and of course, has always been, that the groundbreaking internet rarity below contains exclusive footage of the drug itself talking to you, dear reader.

PSA Slut: Merry Christmas

Readers, FTVS is aware of all things sacrosanct and incorporeal. We are fondlers of the spiritual and the sexual, oftentimes simultaneously. Accordingly, we wish you all a Merry Christmas, and ask that you appreciate your family, friends and of course Jesus H. Christ with extreme prejudice on this fine day. May you all indulge in this 25th day of December with the type of titillation and stimulation that is unfurled below.

PSA Slut: FTVS Aircraft Crashes, FTVS Intern Still Missing

balloon

Groundbreaking FTVS aircraft in peril. Lesson? Don't let humans under the age of seven (7) drink and fly, especially if named after a bird.

FORT COLLINS, Colo. – FTVS’s latest contribution to humanity went impossibly wrong after six (6) year-old FTVS intern Falcon Heene accidentally fell in the cockpit of a balloon built by legendary craftsman and mediocre father Richard Heene. This very groundbreaking apparatus was developed exclusively and with extreme prejudice for FTVS transport, as airplanes had proven inadequate for the editorial team.

Richard and Mayumi Heene, two old FTVS acquaintances, wished to stimulate the already immense FTVS readership by offering to send their son to the sky in a “specially designed balloon” — the purpose was to test drive the aircraft before handing it over to FTVS. Mrs. Heene said that Mr. Heene and Jack Colt were “playing outside in a non-sexual manner with our Shetland pony” during the short pre-flight celebratory celebration, which involved a precisely excessive amount of libational intake by all parties. Jack Colt, with his castle-building vision, witnessed the young intern Falcon, who was “too drunk to walk”, fall into a compartment at the bottom of the balloon and fly away.

“We were sitting eating, out looking where they normally shoot off hot air balloons. My husband said he saw something. It went over our rooftop. Then we saw the big round balloonish thing, it was spinning,” said neighbor Lisa Eklund.

After flying for more than two hours, the half-deflated aircraft landed in an empty field, but the FTVS intern was not extant within the balloon.

This represents a major blow to the FTVS editorial team, which lavishly relies on nubile interns to maintain absolute quality and sovereign turnover of the publication. We invite you, dear reader, to refer anybody of age six (6) to twelve (12) willing to fill the currently vacant position. Dearest Falcon, while in possession of a strong yet provenly inappropriate name (Falcon’s after all, generally do not suck testiculars when it comes to flying), will probably not be missed by FTVS.

All applications should be sent to post [at] fortunathatviciousslut.org

PSA Slut: Announcement in Portuguese

Dear readers,

FTVS staff is constantly concerned for your well-being and fortitude, which is why we, in partnership with SOS Mata Atlantica, endorse shower urination. One must not possess Portuguese fluency  to appreciate the inherent cleansing utility of splashing your little footsies about in golden puddles.

It’s truly an every-person activity; although drinking from the fountain of yellow love might pose a larger challenge to eunuchs than to FTVS editors.

Peruse this visual display. FTVS will wet its bed better knowing you did.