Category Archives: Reviews

Culture Slut: Vagazzling is The New Ear Piercing

Disco smells funny

Glorious readership, a bedazzling revolution is upon us. Vagazzling! The trend that’s causing the nether regions of celebrities to twinkle like the starry snatches they are will  certainly illuminate non-celebrity naughty bits in time. Like Reaganomics, FTVS applies gravity’s logic to cultures of genital adornment. And so, we are certain that vagazzling — the art of dressing up your nectar hole with rhinestones and cheap crystals — will soon percolate down to the less fortunate.

With absolute precision, FTVS predicts that within a decade vagazzling will become as banal as ear-piercings and as comfortable as Juicy Couture sweatsuits. Oh god yes; a girl’s prom preparation will include picking out a prom dress, and scheduling appointments with the manicurist, hair stylist, and the certified vagazzlist. Condoms will be made to withstand the friction of Swarovski-crystalled (vagazzled) vaginas. Vagazzling artists will show their art at vagazzling conventions. See minute 2:40 of the clip below to taste the rainbow, and the brilliantly vagazzled future.


The following conversation between a father and his 13-year-old daughter will certainly occur in the not-so-distant future:

Daddy, can I get vagazzled?

No.

Why not? I’m almost 14!

When I was your age, girls wanted to get their ears pierced. I’ll let you get your ears pierced.

What? do I look like mom to you? I wanna get vagazzled!!!!

Dear readers, the not-so-distant future will be glorious!

Career Slut: Remi Gaillard, Internet Superstar

Remi, eating little white balls.

FTVS salutes ten years of online bravery by French funny man and Internet superstar Remi Gaillard. Mr. Gaillard is, to put it simply, a genius of theologically advanced humor capable of inciting comedic riot.

While most socially cushioned French bastards regard an economical recession as an abnormally long paid vacation, the former soccer player used his imposed recessional freedom to craft a style of prank that catapulted him to media superstardom. How? By genuinely pissing off the law enforcement as well as his baguette chomping fellowmen.

Mr. Gaillard remains at war with the TV establishment he justly hates, considering it has mistreated him on several occasions. “Television feeds you something you do not necessarily want to watch, whereas people search for content on the Internet and choose to watch what they like,” laments the Montpellier (France) local. Indeed, the FTVS editorial team is always on the look out for more videos featuring nude Japanese women playing with octopuses and their vaginas.

Mr. Gaillard’s videos have now been watched more than five hundred million (500,000,000) times (close to the FTVS readership), establishing him as the most famous persona in the history of the Media (close to FTVS). Monetary rewards appear to be on the rise too, after several conglomerates such as the superior sweatshop shoemaker Nike, the deliciously carbonated soft drink Orangina, and the exquisitely white shaving cream Nobacter all commissioned the young man’s service for the production of a series of viral videos.

Ride the capitalist wave, dear Remi, and do not forget to tell your fellow countrymen to go fuck themselves. FTVS strongly suggests that you, dear reader, follow Remi’s lead and consider a similar form of employment for yourselves while you seek to outlast this cunt of a recession.

Art Slut: Corey Helford Gallery, Culver City CA

Possessed -- Luke Chueh

Possessed -- Luke Chueh

Corey Helford is the owner and curator of the eclectic, refreshing and mostly geometrically sexual Corey Helford Gallery (CHG) in Culver City, California.

The gallery concentrates (not exclusively) on a palette of upcoming and well-established Los Angeles based artists. With uncanny skill, these bifurcating bastards of art combine death and childhood, horror and fantasy, macabre and sweetness. In sum, they provide exquisitely thought provoking pieces, while also provoking the cock and vagina. The murderous soft toys of Luke Chueh, the morbid photography of Chris Anthony, the sugary ghosts of Buff Monster, and the neo-pop imagery of COOP, among others, coexist peacefully in the tiny gallery.

The rapid turnover of exhibitions, accompanied by the finest specimen of men and women Los Angeles has to offer, establishes the gallery as a great coitalist institution worthy of a regular visit.

It is time, dear reader, to fight the bland army of over-hyped artists currently lurking in the wake of money-fiend Shepard Fairey. FTVS suggests you dive into the brightly dark and deliciously perverted Angelino art underground.

FTVS readers who invest in originals from the aforementioned maestros are guaranteed to enjoy more frequent sexual activity with guests visiting their tastefully decorated living rooms (no rophynol, only art). Simultaneously, dear reader, you will be stimulating the numbest, yet utterly most important part of our flaccid economy.

Currently on view at CHG: SHAG – Autumn’s Come Undone November 21st – December 9th 2009.

Black Balloon -- giclee on canvas panel - 72" X 54"

TV Slut: The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret [Download]

FTVS’s ongoing search for an additional staff writer is proving to be an exhausting and testing experience, increasing the already sky high level of stress among us. We need, dear reader, a break.

Quality entertainment delivered rapidly is of quintessential importance for the cosmopolitan FTVS leadership, and until now, mouth sex, masturbation, poppers, and Shetland ponies were obvious candidates. FTVS can now add another option to its rigorous list: The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret, written by American bald ambassador David Cross, co-starring Canadian “I’m gonna live forever” actor Will Arnett and VBS.tv art director Spike Jonze.

The United Kingdom, being the humorless country it is, will not allow the non-UK FTVS readership to stream the pilot episode from Channel 4‘s website. However, unlike the Huffington Post, FTVS of course gives you a possibly illegal download link for the pilot. The bit torrent download was tested by the FTVS IT team, and is one hundred (100) percent working.

http://tinyurl.com/yz8brzf

Product Slut: Christmas Special

If your life, dear reader, is anywhere near as exciting as FTVS’s (namely Senior Editors Bob Albatross and Jack Colt), you will, like them, probably be masturbating in public on North Venice Boulevard (California, United States) on Christmas Eve. Maintaining the phallus warm and fully erected at such low temperatures during this cumbersome yet immensely rewarding exercise requires talent and a precise amount of on-the-spot libation.

We are pleased to present you the perfect accessory which will without a doubt assist the most adventurous FTVS reader during this arduous holiday season: the Cheers Mother Fucker hip flask. The aforementioned container is a recession proof product that can be enjoyed by the unemployed and employed FTVS reader alike.

FTVS rating: four (4) and a half (1/2) stars

This flask will attract women

Music Slut: Infusion – All Night Sun Light

All Night Sun Light

Wollongong trio Infusion announced today the release of their new artist album All Night Sun Light.

FTVS urges you, dear reader, to study their first single So Soon (available for digital download below) and Dog Town. Thorough review is a must in order to dispose of the prejudice against the Terra Australis you rightfully developed during Kylie Minogue‘s spurious rise to fame in 1994.

The FTVS editorial team endorses one hundred (100) percent the euphonious theology sometimes referred to as “truly futuristic transcendental dance music”, which was so masterfully crafted by the Australians despite their hemispherical handicap.

All Night Sun Light is to be released December 15, 2009 on Omnis Recordings

[MP3] Infusion — So Soon (Album version)

Movie Slut: Gentlemen Broncos

The only thing white people enjoy more than law school and Talib Kweli is Flight of the Conchords.

Of course, FTVS is not trying to burglarize from the PhD dropout honkey who wrote Stuff White People Like, which is, naturally, now one of white people’s favorite things (you just can’t win with the cracker — s/he is infatigable).

Let us digress. The point is, and has always been, that Jemaine Clement is featured in a new film that will soon have the Caucasian nation roaring in laughter. FTVS is currently trying to shuffle its rigorous schedule to accommodate an interview with Mr. Clement, but for now, a trailer must suffice.

Movie Slut: Another 48 Hours II

48hours

Bears, blacks, whites and smiles.

The indefatigable Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy are the seminal miniaturists who lay the tender, inviting foundation of modern democracy and theology. FTVS was pleased to see them perusing cocks and breasts large and small at the Folsom Street Fair.

The duo’s film, 48 Hours, is the finest moving picture of all time – it possesses the geometry of a nuanced, cleansed quim socket. Please see Rotten Tomatoes reviews for averment, and understand: the six (6) percent of analyses against this chocolate-swirled cinematograph were scribed by Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Under pseudonyms, of course.

Why does our dearest Mahmoud hate this movie? Because Nick Nolte and Eddie Murphy are amazing Jews. Also because they have fornicated thousands (1000s) of women, mostly Persian.

Let us stay on topic.

FTVS captured an exclusive first look at their new film, Another 48 Hours II. Between scenes, the actors were salivating over the hairy chests and firm buttock of well exercised bears. And sometimes frolicking with severely over-mammarized women. And maybe smoking crack while getting bobo from a prized tranny. FTVS gives this movie ten out of ten (10/10) stars, one hundred percent (100%).

Food Slut: ROSCOE’s 1/4 Bird Smothered with Gravy & Onions, 2 Waffles = the FTVS Mix

Perfect symmetry between sweet and savory

Sweet, savory, and very soggy. Like Seattle. Or semen.

West Hollywood is the last bastion of geometric tastefulness in this transvestite of a world. It is FTVS’s place of comfort when we occasionally lose sight of the profundity of our existence. Roscoe’s House of Chicken’ n Waffles, flanked on Gower between Sunset and Hollywood Boulevard, is one of the four (4) places in Los Angeles able to offer an orgiastic mix of waffles and chicken covered in gravy, onions, butter, table syrup, and Cajun Chef Hot Sauce.

The mix of savory and sweet merges the best of both worlds – like penetrating an Asian hermaphrodite (delicious), sans the weirdness of having to explain it to your friends, or worry of acquiring syphilis. The restrooms are kept clean at all times by the hard working and friendly Mexican staff, to facilitate fast regurgitation after the wonderful binge. Indeed, the sophistication and ebullience of the post-meal parade of shit that flows from flesh to porcelain almost rivals the feast itself.

FTVS Rating: Four (4) and a Half (0.5) stars.

Food Slut: Panda Express

2248564873_cd62f54d09I’d like to call attention to the fortunes in fortune cookies. Specifically, the sick fuck in China who slips his molesting prognostications into cookies that make their way to my Panda Express.

You can’t imagine the disappointment I feel. The digestive gratification of a three-item meal – kung pao pork, pepper pork, egg rolls, washed down with a Dr. Pepper. My eyes set on my cookie. I frantically wrestle it out of the plastic. I expect some direction, some sign by which I’ll navigate my life.

Perhaps I’ll learn that “A warm smile is testimony of a generous nature.” I’ll walk around smiling at strangers. I’ll give an approving nod to those who smile back and I’ll verbally lash those who don’t. Perhaps I’ll visit an elementary school. People watch on a playground bench.

Or, my fortune might read, “A secret admirer will soon send you a sign of affection.” I won’t leave my seat at Panda until dinnertime when I order again. I’ll bashfully peek out from whatever book I’m reading (probably something about the post-modern immigrant experience) to watch every man, woman and child who comes in, awaiting a sign of fondness.

“Person you love give you AIDS. Can you feel the molecule?”

Instead, and it’s happened twice now in a week, I receive something else. Lecherous. I don’t dare imagine the den from which this opium-addicted ignus fatuus dreams his sordid dreams and puts them to fortune cookie paper!

“A dong tickle you all over face,” I read on Sunday. I ran home and showered immediately. I scrubbed my face raw. My cheeks stung with tears and soap. Despite this fearless purification, I couldn’t escape the soil of that omnipresent dong.

And yesterday – this arbiter of molestation is merciless – my fortune cookie read, “Person you love give you AIDS. Can you feel the molecule?”

Now when I close my eyes I hear his filthy nails type his tapestries of ruin. Click. Click. Click. I awake drenched in sweat and urine. His evil giggles dance around my dark room. His snake-hiss whispers, “you have AIDS.”

I taste his fingers in my mouth. His spindly dick-hands kneading those infernally baked wafers. Sweet, vanilla crackers of guidance? No. They are Trojan horses! Biscuits of betrayal! Those crackers put cock stigma all over my face and fortell my contracting the virus meant for apes!

More disturbing is what if in his opium induced trance he actually glimpsed, continues to glimpse into my future. The very Panda Express I frequent. While I loath him, I long to ask him, is the dong attached to the person I’ll love?

I am terrified to learn that he touched himself envisioning the tickling. Do I taste his sour result in the batter?