FORTUNA, THAT VICIOUS SLUT » Technology

Product Slut: Apple iPad to Extinguish JazzMutant Lemur?

Jack Colt — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 00:02:28 +0000

MIDI controllers are to live PAs what dildos and strap-ons are to lesbian porn and long bus rides: essential and very nice. Among the glamorous bunch, the Monome open source concept and JazzMutant are the choice of the riches. Until today, perhaps.

A theologically and surgically resurrected Steve Jobs announced today the release of the highly sexed and thoroughly menstruated iPad. With so much geometry it looks like it may render the docile Lemur extinct. We shall see, dear reader, what Fortuna has in store. If nothing else, the iPad will force the MIDI controller market to innovate and masturbate at a much faster rate, like Bob Albatross in an airplane lavatory.

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Product Slut: Christmas Special

Jack Colt — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 07:53:56 +0000

If your life, dear reader, is anywhere near as exciting as FTVS’s (namely Senior Editors Bob Albatross and Jack Colt), you will, like them, probably be masturbating in public on North Venice Boulevard (California, United States) on Christmas Eve. Maintaining the phallus warm and fully erected at such low temperatures during this cumbersome yet immensely rewarding exercise requires talent and a precise amount of on-the-spot libation.

We are pleased to present you the perfect accessory which will without a doubt assist the most adventurous FTVS reader during this arduous holiday season: the Cheers Mother Fucker hip flask. The aforementioned container is a recession proof product that can be enjoyed by the unemployed and employed FTVS reader alike.

FTVS rating: four (4) and a half (1/2) stars

This flask will attract women

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Art Slut: iPhone Finger Painting

Kip Penn — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 21:35:36 +0000

The New Yorker’s designer-bootlicking tongue is soiled inexorably with its latest adulation. In its unyielding allegiance to all things obtrusively bourgeoisie, the magazine resolves to gentrify our purest and most organic art form – fingerpainting. Once the expression of the masses (or of those with at least one finger and something to smear something else with), fingers are now the brushes of the haute monde thanks to the iPhone’s touchscreen flatulence; mind your drool Pedro Samise, you corrupting stain!

Please, dear readers, join FTVS’s embargo of Jorge Colombo’s and Luciano Kelkebrenner’s cruel, sterile fingers. These fingerblasting, fishy infidels must be showered upon with consternation! These men are crusaders against preschooling academies, and must not be allowed within 2,500 feet of where children congregate!

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Technology Slut: Tamagochi Menagerie

Kip Penn — Mon, 13 Jul 2009 03:14:39 +0000

Tamagochi animals, those interactive digital pets that require their owner’s constant attention – pushing buttons serves as petting and feeding and picking up shit. While most children let theirs die faster than they did their guinea pigs, a few children never learned.

These dedicated children are now adults, and most certainly perverts who would do unthinkable things to their Tamagochis if not prevented by biological incompatibility. They forgo society in favor of nurturing decade-old mechanized varmints.

TamaTalk, haven’t you learned that amicicide is more pleasurable? Let FTVS pet-sit.

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