PSA Slut: FTVS goes Pay-Per-View

Dear reader, since the year two thousand and nine (2009), your life and loins have swelled freely with the most geometrically economical content on the internets. No longer! The time has come for FTVS to follow her intellectually inferior cousin, the Wall Street Journal, and capitalize on her entrepreneurial and coital talent.

Starting today, the FTVS team is pleased to offer you the right to orgasm off of forthcoming FTVS content for only $18.99 (+ taxes) per month. FTVS is, in essence, the new Rupert Murdoch, but younger and with longer lasting erections and a smaller prostate.


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Culture Slut: Billy Dee Williams Asks “Why Take Chances?”

Some things are better than words but no things are better than Billy Dee Williams. He is the original erogenous black man.

FTVS often asks: should we risk child support liability and allow the full release to occur inside? Can we place so much sexual kismet in Fortuna’s petite if not calloused hands? Of course, FTVS errs on the side of caution — why take chances? — and always pulls out. Leaving it on the tummy is also nice, and is the ultimate prophylactic.

Yes, Billy Dee, of course.

Film Slut: Dirty Pictures

While UC Berkeley is currently nurturing a nasty crop of Keynesian syphilis among its Economics department,  Cal’s Chemistry department remains at the forefront of theological psychotropic exploration.

These groundbreaking seeds were initially sown by FTVS’s favorite mind explorer and Cal alum Alexander Shulgin (co-author of the penis-inflating monographs PiHKAL and TiHKAL). Dr. Shulgin is the subject of a new documentary, which weaves a tapestry of narcotic libertarianism.  Yes, Shulgin created, synthesized and self-tested more than two hundred (200) mind-altering chemical compounds. The film is inappropriately titled Dirty Pictures, and does not include gratuitous footage of the cocks or vagines.

Music Slut: Lazers, Tits, and King Britt

The Saint Patrick’s celebration is and has always been a most adequate day to reawaken your latent alcoholism and to force sex upon Irish looking people. Vice versa is also acceptable.

This year FTVS will help you, dear reader, with your endeavors by offering you one of the most groundbreaking websites ever to emerge from the Internet womb: www.lazertits.com. And because lazers and tits go hand in phallus with space disco and black sex, we will now take a moment to remind you of Josh Wink’s Philadelphian brother-in-arms, King Britt.

King’s upcoming artist album, Intricate Beauty, will be released on Nervous Records later this month. The album is very good, and will make even the most restrained, snaggled tits shoot blinding lazer beams (please wear protective goggles, but only on the head).

[MP3] King Britt – Now (feat Astrid Suryanto)

Film Slut: I Am A Motherfucker

The motherfucker is Thomas Alexander Bruso, a bearded gentleman famous throughout the Oakland area and also the internet area. Mr. Bruso is an expert, shall we say, at doing the right thing at the right time in the right place.

Perhaps justifiably he was tasered at an Oakland A’s game by the Orwellian pigs, and more recently knocked the teeth out of an obnoxious bus rider about twenty (20) years his junior. There is no question that Mr. Bruso is Bob Albatross’ genetic although perhaps not hermeneutic father.

Let the Motherfucker himself do the explaining in the brief documentary below. Keep in mind that this film should have won an Academy Award for best documentary because being a motherfucker is much more theologically palatable than being a social worker for dolphins.

FTVS ESSENSUAL MIX, First (1) Edition: DROOG

Readers, we present to you the culmination of it all: the FTVS Essensual Mix. It is hot like gay porn, but with more phallus and even more vagina.

An iteratively monthly podcast event, the FTVS Essensual Mix is curated to expose Fortuna’s effete sensuality and easy virtue. It is an effort to spread her lips and dive in, penetrating at once her mighty mind and sordid snatch.

The selection process is discerning and only moderately racist, based entirely on the artists’ ability to inspire strong erections among our editorial board. FTVS encourages one hundred (100) percent musical freedom, experimentation, a daily selenium supplement, and of course, lots of spit.

It was only natural, like a teenage hermaphrodite, to pop the FTVS Essensual Mix cherry with Droog. This Los Angelean triumvirate has been instrumental in educating the Southern Californian masses in musical theology, by launching the Culprit label a year ago, and of course instigating the Culprit sessions atop the Standard Hotel Downtown L.A.

Let us leave it to the artists themselves to describe their concocted orgy of breasted grooves and fellated snares. As phrased by Sirs Andrei, Brett and Justin (in alphabetical but also preferential order):

Upon a well lubricated commencement of our RebelRave inspired musings this Saturday past, we have birthed (those mix-rearing hips came in handy) a set filled to the brim with sensual and amorous innuendos and bravado. When you listen, think of our potent seed.

[ download | iTunes | subscribe ]

Tracklisting:

  1. P. Toile – One (Tanner Ross & Sergio Santos’ remix) [Kina Music]
  2. Geddes & Mick Newman – Lost Souls [Tsuba]
  3. Glimpse – If I Was Your Girl (Beats Mix) [Crosstown Rebels]
  4. 20:20 Soundsystem – Broken (Uner & Coyu remix] [20:20 Vision]
  5. Geddes & Mick Newman – Solaris (Anonym remix) [Tsuba]
  6. Joss Moog – Fat Mama [Minority Music]
  7. Veitengruber – Make You Crazy [Hohenregler]
  8. DJ W!ild – Goiabada [Love Letters From Oslo]
  9. The Drug Punks – Drug (Erick Morillo Dub) [Sondos]
  10. AKA JK – SOTWTGYO (Runaway Remix) [Throne of Blood]
  11. John Johr – Baby [Left’d]
  12. MANIK – Shaolin [Culprit]
  13. Lee Foss – Solo [Culprit]
  14. Kenneth James Gibson feat. Kelly Johnston – Something in The Way (Ryan Crosson’s Dub Trip remix) [Culprit]

PSA Slut: FTVS Editors Brawl over Deniz Kurtel, FTVS Output Negatively Affected

Readers, sometimes life throws lemons at you, in which case it is very advisable that you self-medicate with rophynol and reacquaint yourself with PornHub.

This past week, FTVS editors found themselves in a mutual lemon, when what started as a groundbreaking and exclusive interview of young female producer Deniz Kurtel escalated into organized warfare at the FTVS office.

While the exact source of the conflict remains unclear, rumor circulated about a Jack Colt receiving a ‘hug’ from the aforementioned sex icon, while Bob Albatross received nothing.

Output from the two FTVS editors dropped immediately to zero (0). The shock propagated very quickly in the FTVS office through various coital and non-coital channels, leading to a complete halt of content output. Similar to Corey Haim, FTVS has been rendered inert.

One hundred and six (106) hours after the crisis (aka Kurtelgate) began, the two heroes understood business could perhaps remain mixed with pleasure on the condition that the mixing is to be performed simultaneously (i.e. group sex). Video of the altercation is below, and FTVS is glad to report it is back online, sort of.

Music Slut: Songs For Sex, Volume 1

Readers, sometimes we just need a little bit more 80s Negro action in our lives. FTVS does not really need this because of course Grace Jones and Carl Weathers are both interns in our office.

Still, the videos below will assist in stimulating those of you undernourished by a lack of African American companions. Spice up your day and let the theology and geometry of Black Sex take you over.

Music Slut: Exclusive Interview of the Year 7th Edition – Deniz Kurtel

Readers, this interview tested the extreme limits of lust and erotogenic mutuality. While our readership has come to expect nothing less than the most groundbreaking catechisms and inquests from the brilliant yet seductive FTVS staff, we surprised even ourselves with this dialogue, entering a previously unattainable arena of sexuality and theology.

The hedonic, erotic connection between FTVS and Deniz Kurtel is strong, perhaps too strong. Read on, but first be sure to lay down, for this interview will cause a rush of blood to the (phallic) head so robust you will likely faint at least three (3) times.

Let us commence.

Deniz, trusted sources indicate that you are the spawn of “mining magnates turned championship racehorse breeders”. This suggests FTVS has read about you in a Dominic Dunne article, or has seen your family caricaturised in a Bond film. Please give us five (5) sentences about your upbringing in the Anatolian Peninsula. Also, are you expected to marry an aristocrat (please note that the blood of FTVS industrialists Bob Albatross and Jack Colt is very blue)?

I lived in Turkey till I was 18, and had a very close relationship with my parents growing up.  My mom’s world consisted of making/teaching/sponsoring art, and she took me and my sister everywhere she went so we grew up in her art world.  My father was obsessed with the sea so we spent 3-4 months of every year on the boat, definitely the best times of my life.  I didn’t have so many friends and spent most of my time out of school taking all sorts of lessons, studying piano, riding horses, didn’t feel like so much fun! I’ve been to more parties with my parents as a little kid than I had with my friends growing up (which I believe I made up for afterwards) so the main style of dance music that was etched in my head during my upbringing was 80s electro and disco. Not sure if I’m expected to marry anymore, although I’m sure they’d be pretty happy if I married anyone!

Interesting, yet subtle. It is a coital refreshment to witness a woman of both fomenting intellect and sexual perspicacity grace the highest echelons of the electronic music circuit. Not since DJ Irene has the FTVS boner/brain dialectic been so rigorously stimulated. Please review this video (see below) and share with us what you feel you have yet to learn from the sensually virile DJ Irene.

I need to learn some cool dance moves.

Yes, yes you do. As you are certainly and cogently aware, one FTVS founding editor refused an impotent scholarship offer to pursue his PhD in Political Theory at a famous university on the isle of Manhattan, while the other is completing his PhD in Economics somewhere in California. The point, if one can be found, is this: is it both necessary and sufficient to have a PhD to impress you, Ms. Kurtel? In other words, if the objective is to explore your physical and metaphysical curvatures, must Bob go back to school and acquire his doctorate? Or would you settle for Jack and his sexually banal yet quantitatively astute PhD?

If the objective is to explore curvatures you might be better off exploring someone else, as I’m pretty flat physically — and metaphysically.

Both our mind and member disagree, but we must forge onward with this discussion. FTVS is quite certain, of course, that you are the Iannis Xenakis of the 21st century. How did your time at Columbia’s ISERP shape the mostly correct theology of your music?

Really funny … I’m sure there is a lot that influenced me indirectly but one direct influence I can remember is being inspired by studying mapping in set theory in a math class to map sound (first other people’s music, and then my own music) to color, using LEDs.  I’m working on implementing this on my live shows.

We digress. You will recall that the FTVS readership yearns for human interest stories from the exotic world of techno music’s most esteemed vendors. Accordingly, who is more nectarous when dealing with the sweet babies: Jamie Jones or Seth Troxler? FTVS observes that both men are in possession of inspiring hair follicles. Do you know if the carpet matches the table cloth and napkins, as we say in San Francisco?

I’ve seen Jamie more than Seth (who I’ve seen once) on the tour so far so I’ve been seeing quite a lot of sweet babies wanting to deal with Jamie (true story!). And the carpet definitely matches the table cloth, oh and napkins of course.

If your music was a statistic it would be (explain):
(a) sufficient
(b) complete
(c) complete and sufficient
(d) anscillary

I’ll leave that to your readership to decide.

What stochastic process best characterizes your personal and perhaps sexual life (explain):
(a) Brownian motion
(b) Martingales
(c) Markov process
(FYI: Jack Colt’s is characterized by Markov, a result of heavy self-dosings of rophynol, which usually prevents his ability to recall, well, anything.)

Well, I try to learn from my past but don’t let it spoil a fresh start, so a bit of both Martingales and Markov.

What is the role of gender when one is gurning on the donkey dust at 5am EST in the Marcy Hotel?

The role of gender at 5am at the Marcy is girls start really getting down, but there is no grinding because it’s all about the music.

Like most other aspiring musicians and DJs who are subjected to the blinding sunshine that is the FTVS spotlight, your life will certainly change once this interview is published. Fame, glory, theology and geometry will present themselves to you in ways previously unforeseen. Accordingly, will you commit to purchasing FTVS editors a drink at your show in San Francisco on February 26? Do you want to have a sleepover?

For sure!  I’m afraid there’s no time for a sleepover though as we head to LA right after. Maybe next time.

No, this time. Tell us about 2010 for Deniz Kurtel. Tell us about your album and your art. Tell us everything. Also, have you heard of sexting and what is your mobile phone number?

Album is almost done, it will probably be out sometime in the summer.  I’ve built my LED installation that I’m using for a few of the main shows during the RebelRave tour, which I’m working on improving as I go along.  I’m doing some of the RebelRave dates in the US till Miami WMC and in Europe till June. We’ll see what happens after that. Perhaps some cool projects with Gadi’s new label Double Standard.  Sure I’ve heard of sexting. My number is 888 382 3483. +69 if you’re dialing from San Fran.

That was the best sext you have ever had. You are welcome for this interview Deniz. You have achieved maximum coital satisfaction and your toes will continue to be numb for perhaps 24 hours. We look forward to seeing you at Mighty in San Francisco on Friday night, and will gladly join you in your bunk on the tour bus for the ride to your gig on Saturday evening in Los Angeles.

Party Slut: RebelRave or Die

As any al-Qaeda operative will tell you, an endorsement from FTVS is more influential than Allah’s consent and seventy two (72) unsullied virgins. FTVS does not endorse al-Qaeda but does genitally and theologically endorse the upcoming RebelRave event in San Francisco on February 26, and perhaps also in Los Angeles the proceeding eve. Even the most nescient of sexual Luddites will recall that RebelRave is the touring incarnation of the resplendently titillating Crosstown Rebels record label.

Headlined by the perpetually agreeable and coitally amenable Damian Lazarus, with procreative support from FTVS favorite Jamie Jones, not to mention 2010’s wet-dreamed statistician Deniz Kurtel and the fearless sexual icon Seth Troxler, this event will posolutely make the sweet babies rave, squeal and ostensibly gush with glee. It is without saying that FTVS editor Jack Colt will be in attendance to assist the said babies in reaching maximum satisfaction.

Occurring at Mighty, San Francisco’s most diaphanous nightclub with San Francisco’s most pulverizing soundsystem, the event is hosted by the lasciviously prurient Listed Productions family. RebelRave TV, Crosstown Rebels pornographic documentary series, will be recording segments of the Bay area event, soon to be aired on Comcast’s A&R Channel.

FTVS has never led its readership astray with our steroidal recommendations. As such, it is both extolled and demanded of you to buy tickets ahead of time, because this fervid slut of a show will sell out.