FORTUNA, THAT VICIOUS SLUT » Jack Colt

PSA Slut: FTVS Editors Brawl over Deniz Kurtel, FTVS Output Negatively Affected

Jacques-Yves Perichon — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 22:46:05 +0000

Readers, sometimes life throws lemons at you, in which case it is very advisable that you self-medicate with rophynol and reacquaint yourself with PornHub.

This past week, FTVS editors found themselves in a mutual lemon, when what started as a groundbreaking and exclusive interview of young female producer Deniz Kurtel escalated into organized warfare at the FTVS office.

While the exact source of the conflict remains unclear, rumor circulated about a Jack Colt receiving a ‘hug’ from the aforementioned sex icon, while Bob Albatross received nothing.

Output from the two FTVS editors dropped immediately to zero (0). The shock propagated very quickly in the FTVS office through various coital and non-coital channels, leading to a complete halt of content output. Similar to Corey Haim, FTVS has been rendered inert.

One hundred and six (106) hours after the crisis (aka Kurtelgate) began, the two heroes understood business could perhaps remain mixed with pleasure on the condition that the mixing is to be performed simultaneously (i.e. group sex). Video of the altercation is below, and FTVS is glad to report it is back online, sort of.

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Culture Slut: America Loves Animals

Bob Albatross — Tue, 11 Aug 2009 05:18:25 +0000

Jack Colt, scoring in G Land.

America hates animals like Charles Manson loves Jews. The question is this: were a man to fornicate a male horse, is said man indulging in a homosexual act? If a woman suckles a juvenile dog’s lipstick cock, is said woman satiating her pederastic compulsions?

What comes first in normed categories: species, gender, or age?

Ruminations, for the mind and soul.

Please peruse these case studies, and leave your comments in the box below.

Exhibit A.
Exhibit B.

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Culture Slut: Scholars and Sweet Babies

Bob Albatross — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 14:27:10 +0000

There typically exists an inverse correlation between an academic’s prominence and the droopiness of his matron’s labia and/or jowls. Slavoj Zizek does more than merely offer an exception to the rule, he sadistically waterboards it in a rusty vat of bull semen.

FTVS by no means venerates the Horkheimean, proto-Marxist drivel that Slavvy (as his friends refer to him) repulsively spits at his audiences, but we do applaud his capacity to endear and subsequently penetrate scorching Argentinean ass.

What is his recipe? Groundbreaking research suggests it may indeed be a hermeneutic form of rophynol, also known as the love drug.

FTVS would greatly appreciate acquiring this potent, slow-release recipe of chemical goodness. Evidence indicates it is exclusively sheathed by several accomplished yet physically maladroit scholars, such as Zizek and Stephen Hawking. How else can one explain their lavish spoils of tender lips and smooth, soft buttocks?

Most importantly, acquiring this sleepy love elixir would significantly unburden the FTVS operating budget. FTVS’s coffers are syphoned to Jack Colt’s abysmal thirst for puerile Indonesian jiggy jig, and the inevitable bail surcharge that regularly follows. These expenditures have skyrocketed particularly over the past 10 days. FTVS interns visit Western Union on Mr. Colt’s behalf most mornings – such is the price of fame, teen lust, and an unbridled appetite for decency.

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